


And All At Once, You Are The One

by emperoxgrayland



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Pregnancy, Roommates, Soft Ben Solo, Thirsty Rey (Star Wars), Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22505089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperoxgrayland/pseuds/emperoxgrayland
Summary: "Let's have a baby Ben."He freezes and draws back from her."What?""A baby. You and me, let's do it.""You want me to donate sperm?""No. Ben. I want you to do what I asked you to do all those years ago. I want you to fuck me, and have babies with me."What. The. Fuck.---Dr. Rey Kenobi had spent her entire life in university, and then in residency trying to become a neurosurgeon. 10 years of school, an on-going one sided love and a broken heart later, she finally made it. Except she's thirty, and is on the brink of getting her first cat on her way to becoming a crazy cat lady. A thirty year old, virgin, crazy cat lady.Dr. Ben Solo never much liked company, but something about Rey made him open up, and suddenly he wasn't alone with his demons anymore. And he liked Rey well enough. She was his Rey of Sunshine, his only family in the godsforsaken city that was Coruscant, New York.Except she came up with this crazy idea. And he might just be equally crazy to agree to it.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 275
Kudos: 931





	1. My Broken Bones Are Mending

**The Present**

"I'm pregnant."

Ben's hand shakes, as he takes the printed paper on which she tested her own urine. Trust Rey to not just use a pregnancy stick. 

But there it was, clear as day, indicated by the sky high levels of beta-HCG. She was pregnant.

It was real. This was happening. 

He was going to be a dad. 

"Oh my god."

He raised his eyes to her, tears shining in them. "Oh my god, Rey we're going to be parents."

Her eyes meet his and she grins, grins and throws her arms around him. "Yes we are. We're going to be awesome."

"Thank you."

He never imagined it. Never imagined he'd be a dad, but it was happening now. With his roommate. His one true friend. His best friend.

Things were not going to be the same ever again. 

\---

**One Year Ago**

"I'm ovulating."

"Today?"

"Yes."

"Shit, I'm on call."

"I know. I'm in the call room."

His tongue suddenly feels three times too large for his mouth and he turns to the board behind him.

"Rey, I have surgery. I have maybe an hour for the anesthetist to fucking set up but-"

"I know."

"This shouldn't be how your first time should go."

"Ben-"

"Next month. We'll do it next month. But before then... we should, probably get your first time out of the way."

"It's fine it's not a big deal it's just-"

"Rey, I'm not taking your virginity in a call room that probably hasn't had new sheets since last decade. We'll do it next month, in the meantime since you're here get your ass in the OR and help me with this case."

"Ben, I'm a brain surgeon-"

"Lacerated spleen, will have to take out the gallbladder too and bleeders. Lots of them."

There was silence on her end, and she sighs. 

"You're an asshole."

"You love me. Get your ass down and scrub in."

"Fuck you Ben."

"Oh you will. But not tonight."

She laughs and she disconnects, and something in Ben's stomach flutters. 

\---

**The Beginning**

"Fuck Poe Dameron."

She screamed as she threw back another shot of tequila and lifted her arms up to high heaven as she slumped back down to her barstool. 

"Rey, it's been what? Close to six years? Let it the fuck go."

"No. I am not letting it go. Fucker breaks my heart. He leads me on. Then he says he doesn't want to think he crossed lines? I've been confused my entire med school life. I _loved_ the bastard. And he won't even defend me to Bazine Netal."

"Oh my god, Rey."

"And then today? Today? He has the gall to question me and my want for an MRI for this patient? HE HAS RECURRENT PAIN! WITH A HISTORY OF NF2. IT'S DROP METS. FUCK POE DAMERON."

"Shhh, you're spreading patient info shut up."

He covers her mouth and she giggles, licking his palm and he yelps, wiping his hand on her scrub pants and glaring at her. 

"You're drunk. We're going home."

"I'm so glad you're here Benny-Ben Ben."

"Yeah, maybe don't call me Benny."

He lifts her up in his arms, Fireman style, the only way to make sure she doesn't kick, and signals the bartender for the bill who waves him off.

"Rey of Sunshine's too drunk. Pay it off next time."

"You're a saint Babu."

"I should really poison Dameron next time he comes though."

Ben laughs and shakes his head. "Dameron's been coming longer than we have. He's your favorite we all know it."

"I make no favorites."

"You have a nice ass Ben." Rey slaps at it and Ben's face flushes. 

Babu snickers and waves him off. "Go before she tries to hump you in here."

He settles Rey in his car, buckling her in.

He draws back but Rey grabs his wrist. Smiling at him. "You're the best Ben."

And then she sniffs. Oh. Shit. 

"Hey sweetheart, we're not crying."

She leans forward and coils around him, hands fisting in his shirt.

"What's wrong hmm?"

"After all this time, he still doesn't respect me. He still thinks I'm too childish. Bazine was the one who refuted the MRI. He agreed. He always takes her side Ben. He always thinks I'm in the wrong. And I just don't want to love him anymore. I... can't even date anyone because they're not him."

She wails and he sighs, patting her back. Every once in a while, Rey will have these, episodes when Dameron just sets her off and he really, really wants to take his head off. 

"Sweetheart, you're an amazing doctor. I'll personally review the things tomorrow and see what we could do. Bazine's his cardiologist, what the fuck does she know about this patient?"

She nods and burrows further into him. 

"I'll be forever alone Ben."

"Don't say that."

"I will. Because I can't ever date. Because no one will be Poe. Because I won't love anyone like I do Poe. I'm thirty, Ben! THIRTY! And I probably won't have any children because I can't date, and I'll die, alone with my ten cats I don't even want. Why am I so pathetic?"

She wailed and he cursed. He never really minded Dameron. He was an okay guy. And okay, Rey wasn't completely faultless. And Dameron did care about her. In his way. He just didn't like her romantically. But at this moment he wanted to pummel the living daylights out of him. 

"You're not pathetic and you won't be alone. I'm here. Rose and Hux, and Phasma and the many people who love you. Sweetheart. I am here. I will always be here. You're not alone."

And he means it. In his life, he has very few people he can tolerate, much less be fond of. Even rarer are those he loves. 

And Rey was that for him. She was family to him. She stuck up for him when no one else would. Believed in him more than he believed in himself. She was his best friend. His Rey of Sunshine. And she would not be alone. 

She lifts her head up, and there were tears in her eyes but she reaches out and grips his hand. Her hands were cold so he grips tighter, warming her up.

"Neither are you, Ben."

Warmth blooms in his chest. Because it was true. Since he met her, all those years ago... he has never been alone. 

He smiles at her, stroking his knuckles down her cheek to wipe her tears.

They stay like that a bit, his hand wrapped around hers, her eyes on his, just looking at him contemplatively. She wasn't crying anymore, taking comfort in his presence.

"Let's have a baby Ben."

He freezes and draws back from her.

"What?"

"A baby. You and me, let's do it."

"You want me to donate sperm?"

"No. Ben. I want you to do what I asked you to do all those years ago. I want you to fuck me, and have babies with me."

"Rey you're drunk-"

"No. I'm brave. You know I will remember this. I'm just brave enough to say it. I won't marry. I won't love anyone the way I loved Poe. You don't want to be married and tied down. You hate people. You haven't gotten laid in two years! But we have each other. We're family. So what if it's a bit unconventional. I refuse to die a virgin because of Poe motherfucking Dameron. And we'll have a kid. Think about it Ben. Our kid will be so awesome."

She moved against him, her fingers digging into his wrist. 

"Rey... we'll talk about it tomorrow. When there isn't a vat of tequila in your bloodstream."

"I know I'm not... attractive. But Ben-"

"Sweetheart. No. Not like this, okay? We'll talk tomorrow."

An adamant line takes her mouth. Rey hates leaving anything hanging. 

"Fine. First thing tomorrow?"

"Yes. Miss One Track Mind."

She grins nodding at him. "You love me anyway."

He sighs and releases her, closing the door on her, and making sure she doesn't fall asleep, because she'll wake up puke-y. 

"I guess I do."

\---

**The Meeting**

"What brings you here?"

"Poster. You?"

She raises her hand to the bartender. "I'd like a Tequila Sunrise please."

Then she turns to him, all curls, and red lipstick and a sunshine smile on her face.

"Presentation. It's nerve wracking. I haven't been out of an OR in the last year."

She was cute. If not conventionally pretty. She reaches her hand out to him. 

"Rey Kenobi."

"Ben Solo."

She gets her fruity drink and turns to look at the margarita in his hand, raising an eyebrow.

"You like cocktails too?"

"Yeah."

"Have you tried this before?" She gestures to her drink and he shakes his head.

"Try it. Margaritas are good, but this is better. You're my new tequila sister."

He laughs and sips from her glass. She made it easy he thought, to make friends. She was just... warm. And open.

"It's good."

"Truth be told I'm nervous. I'm painfully introverted, but I try. I can't stand silence. Sorry. I'm just... I thought I should meet people. Ben. Would you like to sleep with me?"

He chokes on his margarita, and he turns to face her, her whole face flushed red as she gulps from her drink. 

"I-What the fuck?"

"Sorry. I just... okay, here's the thing-"

Ben didn't know what in the world compelled him to sit there, as a total stranger shared her entire sordid romance history with him. But one drink turned into five, and the next thing he knew the bar was closing, it was 4 AM and he was pretty fucked because they both were presenting in four hours. 

But for the first time in his life, Ben did not feel alone. 

And neither did Rey. 


	2. Paint Me In Trust, I'll Be Your Best Friend

**The Present**

She didn't feel any different. 

She kept staring at her belly in the mirror, expecting it to be more rotund, but it was still just the jut of her lower abdomen against her hips. 

She had never been particularly bombshell type. She always had tiny breasts and love handles. But she liked herself well enough.

She waited for the pregnancy glow, the blooming health of vitality. Or even the tiredness and the morning sickness.

But to be honest she didn't feel... any different.

"You're being such a quiet baby aren't you. Just like your daddy."

Her heart trips at the words. She didn't let herself hope or wonder, until this moment. But now that she was actually pregnant, and this was actually, really happening, she allowed herself to imagine. 

She was a feminist, she was a brain surgeon, and she believed women can do anything. 

But as of this moment, all she wanted was a little boy, with ears that are just a tad too big, and dark floppy hair, waving around a princely face. Maybe her eyes will be there, because if her son gets Ben's eyes, she'll be a goner - lost to puppy eyes and be forever outnumbered. His lips, definitely. The nose could either be any of theirs. 

She imagines all the basketball games, the museum trips, Disneyland, Universal Studios. 

And her eyes well with tears. This was happening, she wasn't alone. She had a baby, and a best friend who loved them both. 

She had family when she had been alone for so long.

"I got your peanut butter - Meyer's as you wanted, I had to go all the way to the Upper East Side but... what's wrong?"

His arms wrap around hers as he sees her sniffling in front of the mirror, and he kisses her head.

"We're having a baby Ben. He's going to grow up so loved, and so happy..."

She snuggles back against him, turns in his arms and burrows in his warm laundry plus Ben smell that has her mouth watering. 

"And you're crying because?"

"Pregnant. Hormones. Happy."

He relaxes and chuckles, rubbing circles on her back. 

"Well that's great then, sweetheart. And of course our baby's going to be well loved. She's going to be a princess."

Her nose furrows and pulls back levelling her gaze with his. 

"He's going to be a prince, you mean."

His dark eyebrows meet to form a stern line on his forehead. 

"You want a boy?"

"You want a girl?"

They stare off at each other, hackles rising, grins splitting their lips. 

"Wanna bet?" She challenges, her hands moving back from him. 

"A hundred?"

"I'm incubating this baby - an even thousand."

"Plus the Falcon."

"Ben-"

"If our baby is a girl you will cease to drive the rust bucket."

"Your dad-"

"Will want his granddaughter in a safe SUV with smart technology that will prevent you from getting crushed like an accordion or transmitting blunt force through you should you ever get into an accident."

"Not the Falcon!"

"Take it or leave it Kenobi."

She grumbles at him, but nods her head. 

"Fine, I'm his milk train and his incubator for the next few years, he better make sure he has anti-Mullerian factors in there."

"We'll find out soon enough." Ben murmurs, tugging her back into his arms and rubbing her back again. She almost purrs in satisfaction. She always loved Ben's big, strong hands. Especially on her body. The things he can do...

"In fourteen weeks."

"Hmm?"

Ben grins down at her and presses a kiss to her forehead. "The twenty week scan."

But she can't focus, his lips were moving down her cheek, pressing light kisses there. 

It's been three weeks... since they last fucked. Since she told him she was pregnant. 

That was the agreement. 

Have sex only until she was pregnant.

But she had a taste of Ben Solo, and now she can't get him out of her system. 

His lips brush her lips and she closes her eyes, and presses forward to kiss him deep. 

He pulls away, resting his forehead on hers. 

"Rey..."

"I don't want to stop having sex with you Ben."

"But that's what we agreed on."

"Fuck that. I want you."

His eyes open, pupils blown wide and dark. 

"I won't be able to stop."

Not just now she thinks. But forever. Friends with benefits with the father of her child... what could be worse? It's not like there's ever going to be anyone else.

"Who says I want you to stop?"

He smiles, her smile, the one reserved only for her and her heart goes melty and before she can process what that means her hands fist in his hair and she crashes her mouth to his. 

Three weeks is a long time, not when she's had him inside her, filling her for the past year on a daily basis. 

And she doesn't plan to go without him ever again.

\---

**One Year Ago - The First Time**

If her calculations were correct, she should be ovulating in the next three days. 

It was Christmas, and she had two weeks of leave left. And the hospital had other neurosurgeons, the world won't end... she hopes.

Ben was equally antsy, both of them haven't left the hospital in such a long time since they started.

But... Ben was insistent. The first time has to be special. So he planned a Christmas get-away in Iceland, in the igloo, under the Aurora. 

"At least we won't have to tell our kid she was conceived in an airplane bathroom."

She giggled, remembering Han and Leia, and how red Ben was when they shared that particular information with her. 

It was beautiful here, with the lights glimmering overhead, all greens and purples and blues against the snow white ground. Her and Ben and her tiny sliver of peace.

They were both uncharacteristically silent. Ben knows she hates silences, so he always tries to speak with her, but today was different. Today they were going to have sex. Today Ben was going to see her naked.

He ruffles his hair, and she's always loved his hair. 

Truth be told Ben was an attractive man. He was tall, broad, built, and the many times she hugged him she knew he was packing underneath his blue waffle sweater. He looked like a prince brooding in a moor. Angels wept at the way his hair framed his face. His hands... how does she even begin. 

Ben was beautiful. She knew it. Even as someone who has been in love with someone else for a long time, she knew Ben was beautiful. 

"I'm not... attractive."

She sighs and decides to get it over with. She pulls her sweater up, over her head, revealing her tiny breasts in her wireless sports bra. 

Ben's eyes fix on her eyes, and she can feel the heat of his stare as he goes down to look at her chest. 

She squirms when he says nothing, before wrapping an arm around herself. "Sorry, this was a bad-"

"Stop."

He approaches her, gingerly walking, before taking her hand and placing it on his crotch, where his dick was hard, and straining the fabric. 

"Never say you're not attractive Rey."

Her breath hitches. She's seen a dick before, she's inserted countless of catheters in them. Nudity wasn't new to her, she was a surgeon for goodness sake. But the way Ben's hands trailed from the flare of her waist to the sides of her breast made her shiver, and shy away.

"I... I'm not skinny. My thighs have cellulite. I have a love handle. My underarms are a bit dark... I shaved all the hair away but... oh God Ben."

She groaned as his hands, dipped from her sides to her back, squeezing her ass and dragging her close, pressing her to his erection. 

"Shut up, Rey."

She swallows and nods, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders - god he was so _massive_ \- and looks up into his eyes. 

"I'm going to kiss you." She whispers.

"Okay."

She gets on her tip toes and keeps her eyes open. On his. And he's waiting. And she presses her lips against his, soft, slow. And he waits a beat, two, three, before tightening his arms around hers and pressing back against her mouth. 

She groans at the sudden assault, and he uses that to his advantage, pressing his tongue inside hers, licking at her mouth, once, twice, before tangling his tongue with her own and wetness pools at her crotch, as she clutches his hair, and kisses him back. 

His hands go to her ass again, squeezing before lifting her up and her legs wind against his waist as he walks them to the bed and dumps her. 

She lands with a gasp on her back, her breasts heaving, her mouth swollen, and her hair released from it's ponytail. 

He towered over her, eyes dark, princely hair mussed from her hands, his beautiful mouth curved in a smirk. 

He was so beautiful. 

He reaches behind him and tugs his sweater up, revealing the deep V of his abdomen, his abs, his delicious pecs, and she squirms, rubbing her legs together, trying to get some friction as she gets on her hands and knees and licks at his hip and Ben groans, hastily throwing off the sweater from his head.

She keeps her hands on his waist, his shudder pleasing her, as she licks and nips at his stomach, flexing under her touch. She looks up at him, her eyes meeting his, as she licks from the waist band of his pants, up to his xiphoid, and then Ben's hands were on his shoulders, pushing her back and she laughs as he climbs on to her, spreading her legs wide as he kisses her again, his hands tugging at her sports bra, lifting it just enough to expose her breasts.

He separates from her lips, a loud suction sound getting her worked up again, and heaving looks down at her breasts. 

"Fuck."

He murmurs before diving down and sucking one into his mouth, harshly that her back arches off the bed, and her hand tangles in his hair again, pushing him closer to her as her hips buck against his, seeking friction. 

"Ben, fuck, fuck, Ben, so good."

His hips bump against hers, once, twice, and that combined with a nipping bite into her nipple, sent her into an obliterating paroxysm of pleasure she never experienced before.

\---

**The Beginning**

She wakes up with a headache, and a need to vomit, and Ben was right there beside her. 

She groans and rolls over to him, burrowing her face against his deltoid.

"Shit, Ben."

He says nothing but he rolls to her, legs and arms flung to her and she's tucked in his chest. 

"You got shwasted."

"I know. I have to be at the hospital at 8. I have to round."

"Me too."

"What time is it?"

"9."

"What?"

"Shh... I called Phasma. She's covering for you."

"And you?"

"Dameron's covering me."

"Ugh."

She burrows into him more. "Well then, we might as well sleep in."

"Rey."

"Yeah?"

"About what you said... last night?"

She freezes. She meant what she told Ben. She doesn't really black out. She remembers. Everything. 

She just gets bolder.

"Yeah?"

"Let's do it."

She pulls away, looks up at him with startled eyes. 

"Ben-"

"I mean... I won't get married. And you won't love anyone other than Dameron. And... I do want a kid, Rey. A family. I was actually thinking of a surrogate... But this way... at least it's not so clinical. Like... at least I know you. And we're family anyway. So why not?"

"You're sure?" Because she was. She's been thinking about it since she turned 30. She wanted a kid. She wanted a family to nurture and nourish. And it was easier this way. 

"Yeah. I am."

"Like... right now?"

His breath caught and she felt a familiar twitch in his pants.

"I mean... no. Like... when you're ovulating."

"Ben. You did attend medical school. You do know we need to have sex more times than that."

"A week before. And a week after. In case we're off."

"Okay so... that's like... a week. From now. Give or take. My last period was about a week ago."

"Okay. In a week then."

He wrapped his arms around her again, burrowing in her neck to sleep. And she couldn't resist inching closer, feeling his dick on her thigh, wondering how next week was going to be.

\---

**The Meeting - Four Years Ago**

She was sitting on the back row during his presentation and he could not help the smile that spread across his lips.

"Dr. Kenobi, what does a neurosurgeon want with novel laparoscopic cholecystectomies in war zones?"

"I don't know Dr. Solo, my skills might come in handy in a war zone. Or... I could just be bearing gifts."

She hands him a plate of mini-chocolate eclairs. Three of them, arranged in a row. He gasps and looks at her. "How?"

"Neurosurgeons. We get first dibs."

He rolls his eyes and stuffs one in his mouth and his eyes roll back and he groans. 

Rey grins at him and slides her arm through his. 

They've only known each other a week, and it already feels like a lifetime. 

"I don't know what I'll do without you, now that I have to go to Coruscant."

"You're not staying in Harvard?"

"I... I guess I miss New York. Boston's nice and all, but... it's not like home. I miss Central Park."

"Well then, Dr. Kenobi, I think you made my decision for me."

"What decision?"

"Three weeks ago Amilyn Holdo offered me the position of Chief of Trauma Surgery at Coruscant General. Pay is twice what I earn now, plus my own research funding. I've been debating what would be good in New York. I guess I have my answer."

She looks up at him startled, and the blushes. 

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll never force me to eat a cronut. Then we're even."

She laughs and lays her head on his shoulder. 

It feels just like home. 


	3. Squeeze My Hand, Three Times At The Back Of Your Taxi

**The Present**

Sunday family lunch meant an elaborate lay out in the Organa-Solo mansion in Manhattan.

Summer meant a barbecue. 

Winter meant soups and pot roasts and a real fire place with a real fire. 

It also meant eating with Senator Leia Organa of New York, her husband General Han Solo of the Air Force and Dr. Luke Skywalker, Chief of Surgery in Coruscant General. Her boss. Ben's boss. Amilyn Holdo's boss. He and Ben had a rocky start during Ben's medical school days - leading to Ben's enlistment in the Marines and serving under Snoke... and she didn't want to think about that because she had a baby in her belly and she had to tell all these people. 

Her family for the past 4 years that she's been in Coruscant with Ben. 

Chewie and his wife Maz were also here for vacation, which meant the entire family is here.

"It's going to be fine, they love you."

"You knocked me up outside of wedlock."

"Sweetheart, I was conceived in an airplane bathroom, my mother lost all the high horse there."

"Benjamin-"

"They love you. And this is our baby. Yours and mine. They're going to love her no matter what."

She swallows the sudden surge of affection for Ben that's been coming up to her in weird leaps and bounds lately. She thinks it's the hormones. Some form of evolutionary bond that has you fond of the guy who knocked you up. Or it's the baby projecting his love on to his dad.

Whichever it was, Rey grinned up at Ben and tucked her hand into his, and breathed out. "Okay, let's do this."

\---

The Organa-Solo household was never quiet. When they went in, Han wearing a kiss the cook apron - a gift from Rey, was arguing with Chewie whether to put more fennel into the stew. Leia was pouring a sangria into her glass and rolling her eyes at her husband went to sit beside Maz and Luke who were debating the finer points of using an airfryer versus a skillet for the potatoes.

It smelled like good food and sounded like a cockfight. It was home for her and just seeing it, knowing her baby was going to have this growing up - grandparents and uncles and aunts... a family that will love him and not leave him behind, warms her heart, and she feels the tears surge again.

"Honestly guys you do this every Sunday - can we get a bit of quiet here?"

Leia looks up first at Ben's teasing and she throws her hands up and runs to hug her son.

"My baby boy welcome, welcome. And Rey! We missed you guys last week!"

Ben looked down at her and grinned and squeezed her hand. 

She grinned up at Ben again, resting her head on his shoulder. 

Through the four years they've been friends they've always been touchy with each other. It wasn't anything new to Leia but she quirked her eyebrows at this development. 

"Well.. what's this?"

"Mom, maybe you should sit."

"Oh my God it's happened. AMILYN!" Leia shouted and Amilyn's feet padded from upstairs to the kitchen. "What, what?"

"THE KIDS! THE KIDS ARE TOGETHER!"

Ben squirmed in his shoes and Rey smothered a laugh. "Mom that's not.. it's not-"

"WHAT?"

Thundering feet suddenly appeared and Amilyn seeing Rey's head on Ben's shoulder squealed. "I KNEW IT! SKYWALKER, PAY UP!"

Luke finally looked up from his airfryer and looked at the commotion. 

"What in the world is going on?"

"Does anyone want more fennel?" Han raised his voice and Chewie growled in response.

"Oh shut up Han, no one cares about your stew! Your son finally asked Rey out!"

"What? SERIOUSLY? PAY UP SKYWALKER!"

"Would everyone quit it about me paying up? I said last December! I'm still nearer than both of you who said the Coruscant Gala."

Ben squirmed as everyone regressed into their own bickering and Rey finally took pity on him and blew into her fingers, into a loud version of a whistle.

"Guys, we have something to tell you."

She murmured as everyone in the kitchen grew quiet. 

"Ben and I..."

She grabbed Ben's hand and wrapped it around her, his large hand resting on her stomach before she placed her own hand on top of his. 

"We're having a baby."

There was a beat of silence, then two, then three, then all hell broke loose.

\---

She was plied with a lot of stew, a lot of hugs, teary kisses to her cheek, and pats to her still flat belly. Her feet were up on the hottest seat in the Organa-Solo living room - Han's Laz-Boi complete with massager and she had a bowl of brownie fudge with vanilla ice cream because she needed to put more weight on for the baby according to Maz and Ben was under the glare of his mother, his Aunt Amy and his Aunt Maz. 

Han, Luke and Chewie looked on with unsuppressed glee in their faces. 

"You knocked her up."

"And didn't propose marriage."

"You're not even dating?"

"BENJAMIN BAIL ORGANA SOLO."

The tips of his ears were red and he was fidgeting in his seat in the couch. 

"We just... it's a thing these days."

"This is the mother of your child Ben and you love her, you can't just wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" Leia threw her hands up and Ben scowled. 

"I'm not! Rey and I will be raising our baby together. We'll be a proper family."

"But you're not married!" Leia whined at him and Ben's face took on a thundering look. She knows that look. He'll say something he doesn't mean.

"Ben and I don't love each other that way Leia. And... we don't need to be married. I love Ben. He's my family. You all are. And this baby is going to grow up well loved and you all will be here. I don't need a piece of paper to be part of this family. You all already made me feel welcome. And... I'm so thankful." She lets the waterworks escape this time to help Ben, but he only grew concerned when she started leaking. 

"Hey, hey sweetheart."

He lifts her up from the chair and she wraps her arms around his neck, sniffling against his chest.

"There, there. I got you. I got you."

He sat down on the couch, her on his lap cuddling her close. 

Leia sighs and smiles at them, and she lays her hand on Rey's head.

"You and Ben are old enough to make decisions and whatever it is, we support you. I just can't believe it, my baby is having a baby. I'm going to be a grandma. Oh fuck, Han, we're going to be grandparents."

Han scowled at the term and took a sip from his tumblr. "We got old Princess."

\---

**One Year Ago**

Her pager went off on the bedside table and she groaned as Ben pumped inside her in a rapid, jerky rhythm, until he slammed his hips against hers, spurting cum against her cervix. 

The hot pulse of his semen triggered her already sensitive insides and she bites down on his deltoid to keep from screaming as she has her fifth orgasm for the day.

Her knees quiver as Ben stays inside her for a bit longer, pressing kisses on her neck, to her chest. 

His pager goes off beside her and she groans. "You know that means trauma right, if we're both being activated?"

"The fellows will be there, let them handle it for a while."

"Let me just see if it's 911."

"It's not. If it is, it would be beeping like mad."

He shifts his hips, his semi-hard dick feeling wonderful inside of her. 

"Ben, we can't fuck our call away."

"Yes we can I am an attending we shouldn't even have calls."

"We're surgeons it doesn't count."

"One more. Just one more."

He strokes inside of her, his lips trailing down to her breasts, mouthing at them, until her hands fist in his hair and she forgot why she even wanted to leave in the first place.

\---

His cum was still inside her when she walks out of the call room, her hair in a high ponytail, and her scrubs finally on. She had a consult about a bleed in ER. She looked at the scans, they don't look promising.

"Hey, you got a minute?"

Poe hardly came to her, if he had a consult he asked Phasma. 

But maybe it was a call thing. 

She didn't stop to speak with him, continued walking out the attending's lounge forcing him to keep in step. 

"I have a consult at the ER, if you don't mind walking and talking?"

"Sure, yeah, that's fine."

He says nothing as they walk out of the lounge and down the hallway of the surgical floor to get to the ER.

"So... is it a patient?" She begins unable to take the silence. And the rush of memories as they walk down the same halls they used to walk together in med school. Before. Before all of this messed everything up. 

"Ben Solo."

"Excuse me?"

She does stop this time as he turns to face her. Poe was not a tall guy, she didn't have to crane her neck to meet his eyes. She used to love his eyes, the way they glint behind his gold rimmed glasses. 

Now... it's not the same. 

"You and Ben Solo. You're sleeping together."

"That is none of your business!"

"Be careful, you got passed over for a promotion because of Solo. I thought your career came first. Rey. I'm just looking out for you." He reached to grab her elbow and she flung it away. 

"In the same way you looked after me when Bazine said those horrible shit about me?"

"Rey that's a long time ago!"

"Well Ben has been looking out for me. And he's doing a better job than you. And for your information? Ben's more important than my career. Ben's my family. Not that you would get it. What was it you said to me? You only look out for yourself. Well keep doing that Poe."

She shook her head and made to walk away. 

"Rey. Do you love him? Ben?"

She didn't even bother dignifying that with a response. 


	4. Candlewax and Polaroids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present: The world knows of baby Kenobi-Solo  
> One Year Ago: Iceland 2.0 (VERY VERY DIRTY FORGIVE ME)

**The Present**

Their baby was a blob. But the soft swoosh swoosh swoosh sound of his heartbeat filled up the room. 

"He looks good for an 8 week old bean, amniotic fluid's all adequate and mommy's health is great." Rose chirped as she printed the scans and handed them to Ben. 

He still gripped Rey's hands in his, tears in both their eyes and his lips attached to her head as he stared in awe at their little zygote. 

He's been through Ob-Gyn as a medical student. But this was... this was something else. 

"He looks so cute, I hope he gets your hair Ben."

Rey murmurs as she kisses his hand, nuzzling against his head. 

"She, sweetheart. She looks cute."

She rolls her eyes but startles when a flash goes off in front of them. Rose was grinning from ear to ear, practically bouncing on her feet. She had doubts if she wanted Rose to be her doctor, but she was going to be this baby's god mom and she was the best in the country and they wanted her in case anything would go wrong. 

"I knew you guys were boning. Just too much sexual tension there. You guys are the cutest parents to ever grace my clinic and my godbaby will be the cutest baby ever and I am so excited! You're telling already right? You're not waiting for that first trimester shit?"

Ben laughs as he looks at the printed blurry outline of his little bean of a baby again and nods his head. 

"You won't be able to keep it from Hux even if you tried." 

Hux was their pediatrician. He might as well know now. And he was Ben's closest friend from the army. 

Phasma would need to know as well because she's going to have to cover for Rey. 

And so did their bosses. 

And basically the world. 

Given their history, Leia didn't say anything, but a grandbaby from a well loved son who looked as good as Ben will do well for her reelection campaign. 

"We're having an announcement, at the Organa-Solo Foundation gala, everyone's invited, I think Luke hasn't stopped inviting people to it."

Rey winces as she wiped nether regions with a tissue, and pulled her underwear back up and straightened her dress. Ben lifted her into his arms and down on the floor, keeping her tucked against him as he turns to face Rose again. 

"It's going to be fun having your mom announce our out of wedlock pregnancy."

"Wait- you guys aren't getting married?"

The smile slipped from Rose's face and Ben looked up from Rey and nodded at Rose. 

"We're co-parenting we don't need to married for that."

"Co-parenting? I thought-"

Rose looked between the both of them and grinned, shaking her head. 

"I can still win this, apparently."

"What?" Rey asked with a furrow on her forehead. 

"Nothing, nothing! Do you guys need more copies of the sonogram? I already know the Chief would want one..."

\---

Everyone was going to find out eventually but Ben can't help showing off the sonogram.

He replaced the wallpaper of Rey, baking in their apartment the first time they got it, total chaos around her as she laughingly held a spoon out to him with their baby's sonogram, relocating Rey to his home screen. 

He showed it off to everyone who asked him how are you doing, whether it was out of politeness or genuine inquiry. 

And because he was double board certified in Trauma and Orthopedics, he had a lot of ground to cover for today. 

He was whistling when he hit the floor, calling on his intern to start his rounds. 

"You're late today Dr. Solo." The tiny bouncy intern, lovingly called R2 by everyone in the ward for reasons unknown to him siddled up with a grin. "Dr. Dideux, good morning to you too." 

She frowned at him and reached around his back. 

"Come on boss, you showed the trauma intern! They're already sharing your sonogram in the group chat."

He chuckles because he figured that was what would happen. 

"There, my little bean."

R2 whistles as she stares at the image, a smile gracing her face. "I hope the little one looks like Dr. Kenobi." She laughs as Ben swipes the sonogram from her and grins, lovingly down at it.

"I hope you're right though." He whispers quietly.

"Aww, boss, you've gone all soft."

"Never thought I would see the day." Poe walks to him, a smile on his face. 

He and Dameron never really got along much. He was Rey's friend when he got here and though Hux and Phasma were common friends, Dameron hung out more with the likes of Bazine and Dooku, people Rey didn't really like very much and so he didn't like them by default. 

And of course he knows about his history with Rey. 

"I heard the happy news. Chief won't stop inviting people to the gala. Congratulations."

Poe clapped him on the back and he nods. "Thanks... I... this is the baby. She's quite small... just, barely eight weeks..."

There was a flicker that crossed Poe's expression when he takes the sonogram from Ben's hands. 

"Baby Kenobi-Solo."

"Dameron-"

The sonogram was handed back to him and Poe was smiling again. 

"Well, congratulations. I never imagined Rey would do it, but... here you are. Dr. Dideux, my patients?"

R2 didn't notice anything amiss and ran through their patient list. 

"Everyone's pretty stable, but we do need a neuro consult for Mr. Threepio in 107. He's still complaining of bilateral loss of sensation over the L3/L4 area. I paged Dr. Phasma, but she's post-call, so Dr. Kenobi's coming unless you want me to call Neurology instead?"

Dameron avoided getting Rey on his cases. No one exactly knew why, but the one time Rey handled his spine case Dameron blew a fuse at the intern that paged her. 

"Rey is more than fine. Especially since Dr. Solo is here with us now."

Poe smiled at him again and there was uneasiness settling in Ben's gut. 

They were halfway through the round when Rey walks in the floor, with her own intern BB in tow.

"Make sure to get the CT with contrast this time, I don't know how they expect me to find anything on a plain scan when this guy's brain is not bleeding- Ben!" Her face lights up when she sees him, and she walks straight up to him, burrowing her nose in his chest, before he even recognized what she did. 

She froze and hastily pulled away, blushing when both BB and R2 snickered at her. 

"Sorry."

"Everything okay?"

"Dr. Kenobi's been sick all day. The hospital smells bad to her."

"Dr. Acht!" 

"You really should rest, boss, you don't look too hot."

"I'm pregnant, not terminally ill!"

"You did just assault Dr. Solo."

"That's because Ben smells nice!"

"Okay. Enough."

Poe cut in between Ben and Rey, handing Rey Mr. Threepio's file. "I need a consult. Phasma's away. If you're done?"

Ben took her hand again, and squeezed. "Call me when you're done okay? I'll drive you home."

"I'm fine!"

"Sweetheart, you're pregnant. You can take it easy."

"Okay."

She rolls her eyes but grins when Ben kisses her cheek and leads R2 on. 

"Where's your consult?"

She turns to Poe, who regards her with something in his eyes. "Dr. Acht, would you mind loading up the MRI scans of the patient in 107? Rey, if you don't mind?"

She shrugs and follows Poe out of the huddle room to the patient. 

"Can you give me a rundown? All R2 told me was that it's a longstanding sensory loss-"

"You're not seriously having Solo's kid are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

She looks murderous as she opens the door to the floor store room and gestures Poe inside. 

"How dare you? We were friends once Poe but I don't think-"

"You're making a mistake."

He cages her, arms around her head, pinning her against the wall. 

"Poe-"

"You said you never wanted to be pregnant. That it would hinder your career. You never wanted to be a mother."

She shoves against him but he wouldn't budge. "I was 23 and I didn't know any better, Poe. You can't think I meant that?"

"I did think you meant it."

"I didn't. I didn't mean it. I wanted... I wanted the family, the kids, the dogs, the late nights. I wanted it."

With you, she thinks. I wanted it with you. 

"You... you sent so many mixed signals that I-"

"I sent mixed signals? You told me you had no feelings for me THRICE. And you act like a jealous asshole-"

"I wasn't jealous-"

"THEN WHAT IS THIS?"

She shoves against him and he stumbles at the face of her anger. 

"Poe. I am pregnant with another man's baby. You can't do this. You're... whatever this is, it's inappropriate. Ben's my family now. He's my kid's dad. I... I gave you a decade Poe. I'm done. You're too late."

"Rey."

He steps forward again but she cowers away. 

"You should have told me, about wanting kids."

"I did."

She cradles her stomach and opens the door. "You just never read my letters."

\---

**One Year Ago - Iceland**

She knew objectively that Ben was a massive guy. He was 6'4" and there was no way his dick was going to be tiny.

Objectively knowing that, and seeing it in action, in front of her, were 2 different things.

She wasn't a complete prude. She had seen porn before. And she inserted many a catheter in her days as an intern. But his dick... erect, with all the blood pooling there... she had never seen anything like it. 

"Fuck, Ben."

She reaches a hand out touching the leaking tip before inching forward and licking it away. His taste was a sensation of it's own. Salty, bitter and weird but... it was Ben. It was Ben and she likes it. 

"Sweetheart, you can't do that."

He pushes her down, her legs spreading to accomodate him in between her thighs. 

God, she was so wet down there, even her thighs were wet. 

He spreads her folds again with his hands, spreading the ooze from her vagina up to her clit and rubbing her slowly. 

She hisses at the sensation, arching against his hands and her lips sought his out. 

"Ben, Ben... I need... I need."

"Yes, I know. But you're so tight, sweetheart. I don't know if..."

"It's going to hurt either way. Please, just... fuck me Ben."

"Rey."

His breathing sharpens and she takes advantage, spreading her legs even wider and rubbing her slit on his dick, stretched against his belly. 

"Fuuuuck, you're so big. You're going to fill me, Ben."

Filthy, her mouth was so filthy and she didn't even know it. 

But he made her cum so many times with his mouth and his hands and she was now delirious for more. 

"Get on top."

He flips her, sliding her on his belly, her hands braced on his chest and his dick squished in between her pussy lips. 

She glides against him, causing him to hiss and dig his hands on her hips. 

Once, twice, thrice, until the pressure of his dick, and the ridge of the glans hitting her clit sent her over the cliff again. 

"Fuck Rey that's so hot. Take me. Take me inside you."

He fists his dick in his hands and points it up, hitting Rey's clit once, twice, thrice before notching against her vagina. 

Her breath comes in shallow gasps as he drags her down by the hip, the head of his dick sliding inside of her. 

She felt like she was being split into two, her pussy stretching wide to accomodate his girth. 

"Fuuuuuuuck, Ben. You're big. So big."

She rocked her hips, taking more and more of him inside of her, until he hits resistance and she feels like she's at maximum capacity, she doesn't know how more would fit. 

"Sweetheart, Rey, look at me." She opens her eyes, her breath coming out in shuddering pants. 

Her eyes lock with his as he rolls his hip upwards in a powerful thrust and something breaks inside of her, and there's pain, but his fingers were on her clit, and she was coming around him and it was so tight and so full inside of her. 

He stays still, not moving until she comes down and shakily sits back up after collapsing on his chest.

She lifts her hips up, and then slams back down on him and both groan at the sudden bolts of lightning from their nether parts. 

Sex... she thought, was this good. 

If she had known she'd have jumped him sooner. 

She repeats the motion, up and down, slowly, slowly getting used to his girth, allowing her pussy to unclench and relax and take more of him in. 

"Ben?"

He responds with a growl and she smiles, laying her head on his chest. 

"Ben I want you to fuck me now."

He didn't need telling twice. He flipped her without slotting outside of her, and then he was pumping his hips, his arms hitching her thighs and bending it so her knees were on her breasts and his mouth was on hers, his tongue lapping at her own the same way he was dicking her down. 

He was so deep inside of her, hitting against her cervix she knew she would be sore tomorrow. 

But he switches his angle and he's hitting above her now and her eyes roll back into her head, and stars explode in her vision. 

God he was big enough to hit her G-spot. 

She comes three strokes in and she screams his name, her toes curling, as she grabs at his hair, his back.

"Fuck Rey, I need to come. I want to come inside you. I want to fill you up."

"Yes. Yes, come inside me Ben."

He does a series of three unrhythmic jerks and then he's balls deep inside her, his come spurting against her, once, twice, thrice, hot jets of cum against her and then he's sliding in and out of her again, as if he hasn't orgasmed, his cum squelching with every pound of his dick inside her. 

"Ben. Ben. Too much. Oh god, I'm so full, it's so full."

"Take more. Take more of me sweetheart."

"Can't, too much. It's too much, you're too big."

"It's not too much."

He grabs her knees and wraps her legs around his hips, freeing her breasts to be assaulted by his mouth. 

"Never too much. Take one more for me sweetheart. Come around me now."

She keens as he increases the pressure on her breast and shakes, hips bucking, legs kicking as she orgasms against him. 

She comes down from her high only to feel Ben bottom out in her again and his come spurts inside of her again.

He collapses on top of her and she welcomes his weight, shakily wrapping her arms around his as he cradles her. 

"I think... you just got me pregnant."

He chuckles as his dick twitches at the thought, spurting more cum inside of her than her pussy knew how to deal with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey have been living together for the past 4 years, and because they're this touchy feely couple, everyone sort of assumed they were dating but not, so a news of their baby didn't come as a shock to all - the same way it wasn't for the Skywalker-Organa-Solo family. 
> 
> I debated giving Poe's POV, but I haven't found the right... time for him to make an appearance. We'll see how it goes.


	5. You And Me Babe, How About It?

**The Present**

"Ugh."

"Sorry, sweetheart."

Six weeks of pregnancy thinking her baby was going to be quiet and helpful, and the morning of her sixth week, she has been hugging a toilet. 

She feels like she hasn't really left the toilet ever since. 

And now going on her eight week, she was sure - it's hyperemesis gravidarum. 

"Rey, I really think-"

"Ben, shut up."

He's been saying it since week seven. And now she's forced to admit it, because there is no way she's walking into the hospital like this. 

"You have to file your leave."

Her maternity leave starts at the third trimester, which was years, ages, eons away from now. She'd have to use up all her vacation time for this. 

"Damn it, it wasn't supposed to go this way. Phasma's going to kill me."

"I'll be right here with you."

She blinks and stares up at him. "You'll take a leave?"

He rolls his eyes and nods. "I got you in this, might as well be here to take care of you."

"Ben, you're Chief of Trauma-"

"And the father of our child. I know what job is more important for me."

He pulls her up and wraps his arms around her as they crab walk to the sink. 

"Besides, it would be fun. We can finally do all those marathons we swore we would, but never do."

"Because we keep watching Friends reruns instead."

"And go to some vacation in an island-"

"You hate sand."

He pinches her and she giggles. 

"Face it Ben, we're boring. We're going to go stir crazy without being in the hospital."

"Well... I can think of ways to entertain you."

She squeals when he lifts her up in a fireman's hold. "I'm on bed rest! I can't have sex!"

He swats her butt and she laughs. 

"Who said anything about sex?"

He plops her gently on the bed, lifting his shirt that she had taken to wearing for bed exposing her down there, sending her an evil grin before burying his mouth in her. 

\---

"You're... glowing."

Phasma quirked an eyebrow at her as she passed on her updated patient notes, projected patients for the next nine months or so and leaned back on the cafe table she agreed to meet Phasma in. 

She was on week ten, the nausea still strong in certain days, but the stress free days of lounging in the house, going to mommy and me classes, and birthing classes with Ben, walking in Central Park and just... living a stress free life of waking up when she wants and not when her alarm or her pager goes off is doing wonders for her. 

"It's called sleeping, Phas. I forgot how good that felt."

She had on a summer dress, because by week nine she developed a slight bump that had been a source of fascination for her and Ben, and by week ten she was, definitely showing. Her pants don't fit her anymore, and she quite liked cradling the small bump and showing it off to people. Her hair was loose, she had Darth Vader crocs on her feet, and she had a strappy green sundress on, and she had color in her skin, from afternoons of walking in the park with Ben. 

Phasma grinned at her and leaned back with her drink. "Is it sleeping or is it Ben's dick?"

She choked on her orange juice and stared up with wide eyes at Phasma who chuckled at her reaction. 

"I knew it. The boy is hung isn't he."

Rey blushed and sipped from her glass again, smiling into it. 

"Shit, I should throw you some kind of shower shouldn't I?"

Phasma and her weren't really close in med school. She was friends with Bazine, so... that made it difficult, but working together, they developed a sort of friendship with each other. 

Most of her friends in med school had relocated. Rose and Armie were the only ones really left. 

"I don't want a shower. Really. Truly. The Organa-Solo ball would be bad enough, but a shower?"

Rey shuddered into her cup.

"Then... come tonight. At Falcon. Everyone's gonna be there."

"I can't exactly drink or be around smokers Phas."

"We'll get a private room, and Falcon has become non-smoking since Babu got pneumonia. Just... come. It'll be great."

She sighs, remembering the long ago agreement Rey has made with Ben in Falcon. When they started this project together. The baby making project. 

"I'll see if Ben wants to go. We're going to look at houses today."

"Why?"

"We can't exactly raise our baby in our apartment. And I want the yard, the dogs."

"Oh God, are you moving to Brooklyn?"

"Or... somewhere close to Ben's parents? The park will be there, and the kids can go to a nicer school."

"Kids?"

Phasma's eyes widened and Rey cradled her stomach, flushing again. "I mean... it's not like there's ever going to be anyone else for me Phas. And I would want my kid to have siblings. And Ben and I are friends..."

Phasma sighed and was about to say something when Rose siddled in next to them, still in her vagina squad scrubs and a large coffee in her hands. 

"Sorry I was late! Gosh last minute delivery. Cute baby though. What I miss? You talked about Ben's dick yet?"

Phasma laughs as Rey buries her head in her hands. "Jesus is that what everyone's worried about?"

"Well Rey, you're tiny. And Ben's... massive. We just wondered, you know..."

Rose made a tiny hole with her thumb and ring finger and proceeded to ram her fist through it.

Phasma bursts out laughing and she groans, not even bothering to entertain Rose. 

\---

"Oh my God."

There were 18 feet floor to ceiling windows that looked over a little courtyard where she can plant her trees. In a kitchen where her children could play. 

It was on the West Side, sure, but the park was still there, and it was a little less snootier than all the places they've seen, and there were floor to ceiling windows. 

"Ben."

She grappled for his hand and pointed to the library sitting right above their kitchen. 

"Ben it has a library with the rolly ladder. Ben."

He laughs and slings an arm around her tugging her close to his side. "Sweetheart, didn't I tell you, poker face? Now Connix will refuse to cut a deal with us on this house."

She turns sharply to their housing agent and blushes. "She has to give us a discount, I'm pregnant. It's mean to upset a pregnant woman."

Kaydel grins at them and brings out her calculator. Usually she shows houses to annoying stuck up and snooty rich people who care more about prestige than the house itself. But she likes the Solos. 

Okay, maybe selling a house to Senator Organa's son and the girlfriend the entirety of New York loved was one of the perks. Her commission and the business she would get by word of mouth alone is staggering. 

But there's also something that feels great selling a house to people who are adamant to build a life in it. They asked more about schools and parks, and libraries than value. They were so happy and bubbly, and the way her hand or his hand lingers over their bump is just... wonderful. Amazing. And it's days like this when she loves her job. 

"Kaydel. I really want this house. But I have a budget, and Ben has one too." She turns to look at Ben and he withers under her stare. 

"Rey, I told you, the money isn't an issue-"

"Don't worry, I only showed you places within your budget. This is on your high side, but it's definitely in it."

Rey's eyes beamed and she turned to Ben. He looked around at the place, high ceilings, a kitchen to have meals in, playrooms, 5 bed rooms enough for them and the kids. 

It was a fifteen minute drive and a thirty minute walk to his parent's. The park was right across them. 

"Connix, you have a deal."

Rey gives a shout of yay before jumping his arms and laughing. He holds her tight and kisses her forehead. 

"Our family, Ben. This is where we'll build our family."

They were too wrapped up in each other to notice the flashing lights as they stepped out of the house with Kaydel.

\---

**One Year Ago - The Pregnancy Test**

"Negative."

She breathes out as the three blue capped pregnancy test screamed at her. 

How that's possible she wouldn't be able to understand. 

He fucked her, for a week straight, in Iceland. There wasn't a day his cum wasn't oozing out from her, it was just... not possible. 

She sniffed as she walked out of the bathroom, into the kitchen where Ben was anxiously wringing his hands. 

"Well?"

"It's... negative."

"It is?"

"I'm... Ben. I'm not pregnant. Shit, I'm thirty... what if... Ben what if it's too late?"

He held her hands, and gripped tight. "We know, objectively, it takes a year. A year before we have to worry. Stress makes it harder. You know this. The likelihood of us getting pregnant at the first try is low. 

"And... we have been doing it wrong."

He rubs his hands at the back of his neck and she stares up at him. 

"Look, Rey, how serious are you, about wanting a baby. Starting a family?"

"Ben-"

He nodded at the sour look that crossed her face and paced. He was nervous. Ben has three tells when he's anxious. The first is when he rubs the back of his neck like he's doing now. That either means he did something horrible - like clogging their toilet by trying to flush away evidence of him eating her last bar of artisanal chocolate they got from Rome. Or he's about to suggest something crazy, and he's nervous how she'd take it - like the time he suggested they skinny dive off a cliff off the coast of Mexico. 

The way to differentiate is pacing. His second tell. If he paces swiftly back and forth he's stalling. If he paces, pauses to turn back at her, and continues pacing like he's doing now - he's planning to tell her his harebrained scheme in the best way possible. 

And his last tell, is this, the firming purse of his lips as if he ate a sour lemon before strolling back to her and looking in her eyes. 

"If you're serious, I think we should have sex everyday."

She gasps. It's true. That's what they learn in those fertility tutorials in medical school. A year of constant sexual intercourse - at least five times a week, to ensure conception. Most couples get hung up on ovulation cycles and stress, that they forget the best way to have a baby is to have sex. A lot of it. 

And this was Ben. Her best friend Ben who had a dick the size of the empire state building and made her feel so good. She hasn't had sex before, and if this was the only place... and he was willing... and it's not like she didn't feel attracted to him, I mean... have you seen Ben?

"It's going to be awkward, and it won't be purely clinical, and... oh God, say something."

"Ben."

"Rey."

She tugs the sleep shirt she had on, and shoves her pants down her legs, standing naked in front of him. 

"Fuck me."

His eyes widen, darken, and his hands were on her and she thinks why didn't she do this from the beginning?

\---

**Four Years Ago - The Roommate**

Everything sucks. 

Her first day back, a fourteen hour surgery, and Poe Dameron waiting for her on the lounge. 

Sure, he's good at pretending this was just coincidence. He even went as far as ignoring her and not bothering with her, but she knows Poe well enough. If he wanted to avoid her he can. 

If he wanted to show up to her, he can. 

So she ignores him, as best as she can, even though he's a constant presence hovering over her. 

"Shit."

She grins as Ben raised his eyes to high heaven, his princely hair falling away from his face as the vending machine refused to spit out his coffee.

"Hey, stranger."

She bumped his hip with her own and proceeded to put her own money in the machine, kicking it thrice before selecting her option. 

"You gotta prepare her first Solo."

He laughs at her antics and almost kisses her feet when she hands him his cup of steaming coffee.

"God, today sucks balls."

She's been in constant contact with him since they met at the conference, weirdly enough, even though she knows him for just shy of three months, Ben has become her greatest friend. 

There was just something about him, that clicked. 

"You settle in okay?"

"There's trouble with my lease. Some double booked shit or whatever, anyway, there's some Airbnb folks coming to my flat for the next month, so I may have to commute from Manhattan."

"Manhattan?"

He blushes and shuffles his feet. "Yeah.., uhh... my parents stay there."

"Why don't you stay with me?"

Ben's eyes bug out of his head and he sputters at her. 

She rolls his eyes and repeats her sequence of kicks to the machine before putting money and selecting a fizzy. 

"Yeah, it's only for a month, I live like... fifteen minutes away by walking, and you won't have to worry about the morning Subway horror. Or the traffic at the Bridge if you got a car. And... for some reason, I trust you Ben. It's like I've known you all my life."

He nods at her because it's true. In many ways he feels the same. He just didn't know exactly what that meant. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's not entirely altruistic in his suggestion. I also want to establish how they became this close with each other although I have to say that when they met there was already a zing of familiarity. Have you ever had those people? In your life? People you just click with?
> 
> Also, Poe. I know, I know. Everyone hates Poe. But he's such an integral part of Rey's life. Before Ben there was Poe. And she loved him, truly. I think those kind of bonds don't necessarily fade but I want to write it in such a way that where Poe was difficult and messy and she had to try so hard, Ben was easy and simple and he just fit in her life without having to take away or reduce one relationship or the other.


	6. Something About It Felt Like Home

**The Present**

"Heey it's the Solos!"

Rey hits the back of Armitage's head and hugs Rose and Phasma. 

Bazine was there and smiled at her politely as did Dooku. Even though they sat at the table, they all had their mini conversations going on. Bazine pointedly did not join Rey and the rest.

She waved to them but mostly babbled to Rose and Paige who was back here for a short while for a conference. 

Ben politely accepted a bottle of whatever beer on draft Babu handed out to him and tugged Rey to sit on his lap as she continued babbling to Rose and Paige. 

His motion caused Armie's eyebrows to rise and he rolls his eyes. 

"There's only one seat. She'll insist I take it. We'll fight, she'll squeeze with Rose or Paige which she hates, it's easier this way."

Rey swats at his arm but leans back and settles against him. 

"Ignore the brute but he's right."

Just then Armie's phone lights up and an expression crosses his face. 

"What?"

"It's Poe, he says he's coming."

Ben refuses to scowl, remembering how Poe hovered around Rey these days especially when they both had to take the leave. 

"Doesn't he always come?"

Phasma shrugs and takes a swig of her drink. "Not really anymore. Poe hangs with the intern a lot, that kid... Rey's intern. He mentored him in med school after all."

"So why's he coming today?" Phasma addresses Armie and he shrugs. "Who knows with Poe, he comes and goes when he pleases. But anyway, how is the pregnant lady doing?"

Rey groans and shakes her head. "The nausea is unbelievable, I have a very specific, anti-puke diet these days."

"She's been grumpy about it, as it involves eating like a healthy adult, no Chik-Fil-A and a whole lot of exercise."

"Which Ben goes for by the way. You should see him at Mommy and Me class - the moms dig him."

He pokes her on the side and rests his chin on her shoulder. 

"It's been great, honestly. We have the twelve week scan soon, so... fingers crossed that everything's alright. Also we got the house that you suggested Hux. It was a great place."

Rose beams at them, and Phasma rolls her eyes. 

Ben and Rey have always been scarily in sync, but being pregnant made them a lot worse. 

"So... anyway... how did the entire thing happen, I mean... you guys said you were only friends, and then the next thing we know Rey's vomitting during morning conference and taking pregnancy leave."

"Wouldn't I want to know as well."

Poe appears behind Armie, clapping him on the shoulder and nodding to the rest at the table. 

"Hey Poe, there's a seat beside me here."

Bazine motioned to the seat beside hers and Rey rolls her eyes in reflex, a fact caught by Paige who snorted into her drink. 

To everyone's surprise, Poe ignores her and grabs a seat, and siddles it next to Armie which puts him beside Ben and Rey. 

An awkward silence descended the table as Ben's arms tighten around Rey. 

"So!" Rose squeaks as she waves her hand as if to diffuse the tension. "Tell us, how did it happen?"

Rey flushes and squirms against Ben's lap, and he hisses, and stills her turning with a tight smile to Rose. "It just... sort of did."

Rose rolls her eyes and slams her drink down. 

"Come on, Rey already told us your dick was the size of the Empire State Building-"

"ROSE!" Phasma and Rey both scream but Rose merely shrugs them off.

"What we all know it. Solo's scrubs don't hide jack shit. But what I'm curious to know is how said large dick made it's way inside Rey and created this scarily smart future doctor baby?"

"Leave them alone Rosie. You're drunk. Besides, I know the answer to that."

Babu chuckles as he hands Ben a frothy concoction of spinach, carrot and orange juice and leans by the bar at their table. Ben hands the juice to Rey who scowls at it. 

He smiles and kisses her nape. "Drink up and we'll get pizza on the way home."

Her eyes light up and she turns back to look at him. "You solemnly swear Ben Solo?"

"I solemnly swear. Now drink. Babu specially made that."

"Because you asked him, no doubt." She rolls her eyes but kisses his cheek. "Thanks Ben."

And he merely nuzzles her nape again. 

"See! See! You guys were touchy before, but this is new, like... what the hell happened? And how did we all miss it? Who made the first move? It was Ben, right?"

Babu chuckles and shakes his head. "How does everything happen? Rey bean here got wasted and propositioned Ben. In this very bar. I was there. My poor ears were there. And Ben looked like he was ready to bust a nut, pardon the language."

Roars of laughter chorused as Ben flushed and Rey covered her face with her hands. 

"Fuck Rey, get it girl. I knew you were after that D."

"Probably the only D she ever got in her life."

"If my school gave out Solo's D I would have happily flunked most things."

Another roar of laughter and Rey wondered if the earth would just swallow her whole. 

"Hey, in my defense, Ben has been taunting me for the past year before I even asked!"

"I have?"

Ben pulled back from her surprise in his features and she glares at him.

"You have! You walk around the apartment half naked, and you grew your hair, and you smell good always. And don't get me started on when Ben eats. Oh god, it's like a porno. He's been baiting me all this time!"

"I haven't! I don't... I didn't... I swear, oh my god."

He blushes and Rey smirks in triumph turning around in his lap to hook her arms around him. 

"No need to be shy now, I mean... you managed to knock me up so..."

"Oh my god, stop."

Ben was fire engine red at this point and Rey laughs at his displeasure. 

"But you guys aren't together. This is some sham deal to co-parent."

Poe's voice breaks through the teasing laughters and even Armie looks toward him. "Let's not go there, Poe. Today's to celebrate Ben and Rey and their little bundle!"

"To Ben and Rey!" Rose picks up quickly and everyone raises their glass, except Poe, who kept looking pointedly at Rey. 

"Isn't it true, though? You got knocked up by some guy because you wanted a kid. You're not together."

"That's enough." Ben's tone takes on an edged steel and Rey clamps a hand down his arm. 

"Yeah. Ben and I aren't together in that way. But we are the baby's parents, and we are going to raise it together."

Poe snorts and takes a swig of his drink. "I mean... sure. You know what, it's none of my business."

"Clearly, it's not."

Rey's tone was sharp, acerbic and she quickly turns to Phasma to answer questions about the house.

\---

"Do we have a problem Poe?"

Ben leans on the bathroom sink as Poe looks up from the urinal. 

"No, Solo. We don't."

"You sure? Because you're very hostile with Rey."

"Look, I just don't like it when she comes on my turf-"

"Phasma said you haven't even been around here much."

Poe's jaw clenches and he furiously stalks to the sink to wash his hands.

"Look, I know you and Rey have history and that her feelings make you feel uncomfortable, but... she's not... doing this to spite you. It's not like she's rubbing it in. She's moved on, she just wants it to be normal and have her friends back and she's a bit sensitive, though she won't show it, but the whole hyperemesis thing has taken a toll on her and she's tired and moody and I just wanted her to have a nice night out. So don't be concerned. Rey's not hung up on you or anything anymore, it's not a Finn situation-"

Poe slammed him against the door jamb and it is only through sheer surprise that he's able to do that. 

"Dameron-"

"You know nothing. Nothing about me and Rey, okay. Don't you dare speak for her-"

"But... I'm just saying she's not here to taunt you or anything."

"You don't know. I know Rey. She's... you don't know anything about us."

Ben's eyes widen and darken in understanding. 

"You know what, I think I do. Stay away from her. You've done enough."

"Why? You scared because she loves me? Ah... you know, don't you? She only loves me."

Poe grins smugly as Ben's face pales. 

"Yeah? But she chose me. She's in love with you sure. But between you and me, who do you think she loves more?"

He shoves against Poe and goes back to the group. Poe follows shortly after and he makes it a point to hug Rey from behind, and nuzzle his nose at the side of her neck so she tilts her head, making space for him as her hands tangle with his on her belly. 

"You okay, sweetheart?" She asks him, patting his cheeks and he nods. "Had a bit, I think. Can you drive?"

"Sure. You want to go home?"

He nods, and she extricates herself from his arms and holds his hand, before saying her goodbyes. 

His eyes meet Poe's across the bar, and he tightens his hold on Rey. 

He should have known, Poe gave him the exact look when Rey first introduced him 4 years ago. 

\---

**Four Years Ago - The Falcon**

"You guys won't believe who's back!"

Phasma dragged her in The Falcon and Rose squeals at the sight of her. She hasn't been out of the hospital in a week and a half since she got here, with her case load and Ben having to move in. This was the first time she was seeing everyone again. w

"You're back from Boston? For good?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god yes!"

"And she brought candy with her."

Phasma's eyebrows wiggle and Rose grins. "Oooh share share I wanna see."

She laughs and shakes her head. "He's not candy."

"Who's not candy?"

Armie slings an arm around her and she grins up at her old friend, hugging him back. 

"Good to see you again Rey Bean. So... candy?"

"What are we talking about?"

Of course, trust Poe to be a FOMO and siddle in with them when there's a conversation. And trust Bazine to follow him around like a shadow. 

"Rey's candy."

"He is not my candy!"

"Oh so it's a he. Tell us more." Armie nudged her and she blushes. 

"He's just a friend. From Harvard. He happened to get a job here."

"Wait... a guy from Harvard who just got a job here, you're not talking about... Benjamin Solo?"

She startles and turns to look at Rose. "How did you know?"

Rose's eye bulges and grabs her. "Benjamin Bail Organa-Solo is your eye candy?"

She rolls her eyes and nods her head. "I mean... it's just Ben. I didn't even know that was his full name. He just went with Benjamin O. Solo in the conference and in his papers. What's so-"

"GIRL. Half the hospital has been salivating over Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome! Honestly how does he not pop out of his white coat. Also, there's the fact that... he's Benjamin Organa-Solo?"

Rey's eyebrows scrunch. "So?"

"Oh my god, where have you been? He's Senator Organa's son! He's Dr. Skywalker's nephew!"

The information sinks in and her jaw drops.

_Amilyn Holdo offered me the job._

_My parents live in Manhattan._

_I think I have a reason to go home._

"Oh. Shit."

Phasma grins as the realization sinks in with Rey. "She offered to be his roommate. And he accepted."

Rose's scream defeated all decibels and Armie pats her on the back.

"Damn girl, get it."

"I can't believe you're living together with New York's most eligible bachelor."

"Phas, I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"Well it was fun watching you treat possibly the richest person we know as a peer and even make sure you pay equal of toilet paper."

Just then Ben steps in to the Falcon and smiles when he sees Rey. "Sorry, I got held up by Unc- the Chief." He turns to her friends and grins. "Hi, I'm Ben."

Rose almost swoons at his voice but Rey slaps his pecs, hard. 

"Ow? What the fuck?"

"You tell me what is the fuck Benjamin Solo. Or should I say _Organa_ -Solo?"

He flushes and rubs the back of his neck. "You found out?"

Rage crosses her face and she hits him again on the arm repeatedly. "I did you idiot! You're the senator's son, my building doesn't have that much security."

"Ow, ow, no one knows, it's fine, Rey!"

"Oh my god you invited me to family dinner. THIS SUNDAY! I MADE TIRAMISU! You were going to make me serve the Senator tiramisu from a tupperware!"

"I love your desserts and she would too, ow, will you stop hitting me!"

"Ben!"

"It's gonna be fine. Sweetheart." 

He trapped her fists in his own and smiled at her, praying it would work, the puppy dog smile with the dimples and all the teeth and her breath catches and she blushes and she stops flailing in his hold. 

"My mom will love you."

That seemed to refan her rage and she continued hitting him, much to the humor of her friends. 

\---

"I promise we had a normal friendship."

He glares at Rey, who was perched on his lap, making him the designated driver and thus unable to drink while dealing in an awkward social situation with her friends. 

She grinned at him, on her fifth tequila sunrise on top of a long island and he sighed. "Rey this better not be The Great Toilet Adventure Sequel."

"Aww but Bennyyyy... you take good care of me. Even if your mommy's sentore? Centaur?" She giggles at her own joke and he rolls his eyes, hoisting her up in his arms before standing up. 

Her arms hook around his neck and she settles against him.

"We going home?"

"Yeah sweetheart. And we are making you drink water."

"Mmkay. Don't tell your mom."

"Rey honestly-"

But she was already dozing in his chest. 

"I have to get her home." He says with a sigh. "She'll-"

"Puke when she wakes up. I know."

He looks up to see Poe, a bottle of beer in his hands, hips cocked on the bar watching him. 

"You shouldn't have let her sleep. You should have made her drink water and walk it off."

"I-I mean..."

"Just saying. We've been taking care of Rey longer than you have."

He shifts, not really getting where the hostility came from when Rey sniffled in his arms. "It's cold Ben."

"She snuggles in his arms and he sighs, he couldn't get his coat to her."

"Hold on a little bit longer okay? We're walking to the car."

Dameron then drapes his own coat over Rey, not meeting his eyes as he tucked her in. 

"Make sure she drinks water."

Then he turns his back on them and walks out the bar. 

Armitage clears his throat and awkwardly smiles at him. "We were housemates, while we did some electives at Chandrilla. Me,Poe, Rey and Baz. Poe was like... her big brother. Anyway, ignore him."

He nods but an unfamiliar clawing sensation found him. He's pretty sure he's found the man Rey was in love with, and was the reason they even spoke at all to begin with. 


	7. You Call Me Up Again Just To Break Me Like A Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tragedy of Rey and Poe (this would be an almost Ben-less chapter. You've been warned)

**A Three Year Tragedy of Poe and Rey**

"So who's your favorite basketball player?"

"Currently playing or all time?"

"Both."

"Currently playing should be Steph Curry. All time? Kobe. Hands down Kobe Bryant. How about you?"

He grins at her, with her hair in her messy three buns, feet up on the stool in front of her, happily munching on her lunch while they wait to be called to do something. Doing calls as a medical student was tough. You were in the way, no one wanted to teach you and it's basically a lot of waiting. A lot of it. 

Rey has been, so far, the coolest partner he ever had. 

She liked sports. 

She liked random TV shows. 

She smiled like the sun - bright, burning and all at once. 

He liked her, for sure. As a friend. 

Nothing more than that. He wasn't... looking for someone like her. She came from the foster system, she dressed frumpily and she was almost as tall as him. He just... didn't like her that way. But she was a friend and he liked her. 

And that would have been enough. 

She was a friend. 

And he was supposed to take care of his friends.

\---

"You want to fill up your logbook first? You can take this catheter we're asked to do."

He murmurs after she sighed about being worried finishing her procedures. 

"You sure, Poe?" She looks at him worryingly but he smiles. "Yeah. You go do it, I'll figure it out."

He ended up having to work an extra fifteen hours. But to see her smile... that was enough for him. 

\---

"Damn it Rey, you're annoying!" He walks away from her, as her mouth hangs open, as she was on the phone with Armitage. 

She was getting asked to go to the Falcon, and she was asking him if it was okay. 

Whatever, it was her life. 

If she wanted to talk to Armitage that was on her. 

He didn't see why she had to bother him with it. 

He wasn't jealous. He wasn't. He was just annoyed. 

\---

"You okay? You shouldn't drink that."

He makes to grab the Long Island Iced tea that was in her hand but she was far too drunk, and far too angry with him. 

"You're not my dad, Poe!"

He huffs angrily as she sways to some beat and turns to Armitage. "She's not my problem. She's yours."

Everyone assumes he likes her. He didn't. He really didn't. She just kept following him everywhere. And that was on her. 

He left the bar, but stayed up all night, wondering about her. 

At last he texts Armie.

"Did she get home okay?"

\---

"I like you."

He stares at her text message, her confession, that she likes him. Lost in a sea of long words saying she knows he didn't feel the same, didn't return it. 

"Yeah. I suspected. I told people I didn't have feelings for you. Not in a bad way, you know what I mean."

She types a bit, and erases it, and he waits with bated breath. He shouldn't have. Not this way.

"Yeah. Okay. Can we move past this? Can we be friends?"

That's all he wanted from her. She's a friend. He kept repeating to himself. She's just a friend. 

"Sure. Friends."

\---

It's been a week since she last texted him, and something about it makes him feel... empty. Agitated. Lost. 

His day was not the same without her. 

But okay, it was his fault. He often leaves her messages on seen. 

So sighing, he picks his phone up.

"Hey. You saw that last Warriors game?"

Her reply was instantaneous. And all was right in his world again. 

\---

He muscles in between her and the exchange student that she was flashing those beaming pearly whites on. 

"Yeah, Rey only reads text books."

"Shut up!" 

She grins at him as he laughs at her reaction. 

"Is it always like this?" Zorii asked Rose and Armie who nods sadly. 

"Yes. They're halfway married and don't even know it."

"Excuse me, it's not my fault his highness is so hung up on it!"

He grins and rests his feet beside her on the couch. Being with her just felt right. 

\---

"You can touch me, it's fine."

She was laid down on the examination couch in their practice clinic and he swallows. His hands trace her collar bone. Percussing down the mid-clavicular line. Right over the swell of her breasts. 

Her breathing arrests, she looks away from him, trying to pretend she was fine. This was fine. 

Just two medical students practicing a physical exam.

No malice.

Except he's wondering if he moves his hand to the side a little bit more would he feel the jut of her nipple.

She wears a sports bra, he felt it from listening to her back. 

Just a tiny motion...

But he snaps out of it, finishes the exam and writes the notes. 

When it was her turn he excuses himself to go to the rest room, willing his boner to calm the fuck down. 

Rey was just his friend. 

He asked her to study with him as a friend. 

Not because he wanted to know what her body felt like under his hands. 

\---

"Poe. I fucked up."

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I failed my Step."

"You did?"

"Can you please just talk about anything. Just talk about what you did today?"

So he did. He went on and on about his day, what he ate, what he sutured. He tried to soothe her as he heard her crying across the phone lines. When she gave a watery chuckle at one of his jokes, the vice grip around his heart loosened. 

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want. But Rey, I'm here. And you're stronger than this. You are more than one failed test okay."

When he puts down the phone he goes to his fridge and grabs a drink. He had a major presentation tomorrow. But he didn't study. Because he wanted to be there for her. Because the sound of her in tears broke him to bits. 

And he didn't need this. 

She was a weakness. He had to be a doctor. He had to be a surgeon. He can't make it if the very thought of her plagues his mind. 

She was just a friend, her sorrows not his to own. 

She was just a friend. He repeats as he takes a deep pull from his can, thumping the ache in his chest, at the thought of her, curled up and alone and lonely. 

\---

"I PASSED! I FINALLY PASSED!"

Her voice through the phone warmed him, through every inch of his soul. She was so happy, and he didn't know why but he was happy too, by extension. 

"We should celebrate."

The words were out of his mouth before he can pull it back. 

She mentions she loves Mexican, so he takes her to the one good Mexican place here in Coruscant. And they split the cost. 

It wasn't a date, he thinks as she regales him with tales of her adventures. 

It wasn't a date, but it felt like it was.

\---

"Have you applied to the exchange program in Chandrilla yet?"

"Poe, I'm in the middle of trying to pass my shit."

"Rey, you should apply. Here let me send you everything, you can choose my date, reshuffle your schedule around, it'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'll help you."

Cause he was her friend. 

Just that. 

Just her friend. 

Not because he wanted her there with him. 

He was just being a friend. 

\---

He hugs her for far longer than necessary. 

She had her exams in a week. 

And he drunk more than he should have. 

So he holds her for longer, and his hand grip hers. And she's looking at him. 

But he averts his gaze. "Study hard, okay?"

\---

She was in her tiny boxer shorts, and she made her way to him on his bed, cuddling up against his pillow as they watched a show. 

God, he wanted to touch those legs. 

He can see the way her eyes widen and take him in, when he walks out of their shared bathroom shirtless. 

If he touched her she would let him. 

He can see it in her eyes. 

She says they were just friends, that she's fine with that. 

But she loves him. He can see that. He can feel that. 

She loves him and will be there for him. 

But... he's not ready. She's too big and bright and bold. 

And he doesn't know what this is. And it's too confusing and too distracting.

He can't do it anymore. 

\---

"I don't think it's worth it, Rey. This relationship? I'm done. I don't think it's worth it."

He pushed her away he knows. 

He played on her insecurities. 

He threw Bazine in her face. 

He didn't take her side. He didn't stand up for her. 

But it was for the better. They've been fighting a lot. 

Because she was beginning to ask for more. 

Because she can feel he wanted to give her more but won't. 

"I don't have feelings for you Rey. I really... I want to be with someone. If I liked you I would have treated you better."

And he sees it, defeat in her eyes, in the set of her shoulders. 

She gave up. On him. On them. 

And maybe it was for the best. 

But something in him tears apart. Something in him longs. 

\---

He can't even look at Bazine. She caused this, brought this, whatever it is. She tries to touch him and he flinches. 

Only Rey. Only Rey can do that. 

He remembers the words he said. The anger in them. The vitriol. 

And now he looks as she smiles with this... radar techinician. Matt. Who was blonde and tall and cute. 

Matt who was not him. 

Matt who made her laugh when all he did was make her frown. 

He spends that weekend drunk, with Armitage looking over his form as he hugged the toilet and vomitted the contents of his stomach. 

"Damn Poe, you should have... you could have just told her."

He punches Armie. And doesn't speak to him for a week. Until he slinks back the next week to drink again - because Rey went to Naboo with the radar technician. And he couldn't stomach it. 

\---

He doesn't hear from her after graduation. 

His life was a void.

He missed her.

He missed her so much it hurt.

\---

She moved to Boston. 

He patches the hurt. He pretends he's fine. He gets his career. 

He lost her, and there are nights he drinks himself to a stupor because of it.

\---

She comes back with the golden boy. And this time her joy is different. Unlike with the radar tech. 

She wasn't faking it this time. 

When she hugs Solo, she means it. 

When she hugs Solo she looks exactly the same way when she hugged him. 

His glass breaks in his hand when she first brought him to the Falcon. 

Armitage approaches him, consternation on his face. 

"Poe. This time around, if you don't say it... I think this one will be too late."

"She's just a friend, Hux."

"Is she? Is she really? You've been a mess over her for years. For fuck's sake Poe, what the fuck is holding you back?"

Because he doesn't know how to handle it. How to love someone like this. Someone so different from the one you imagined. She wasn't petite, she wasn't a trophy wife with a fancy job that would still allow for raising kids even if he's a surgeon. She's loud and unrefined and childish. She was larger than life - not the quiet, meek, less busy wife he imagined he would have. 

He didn't know how to love her. 

And he didn't know if he wanted to learn. 

\---

"Poe. You can't do this."

His hands shake as he throws back one more shot in his throat. Everything burns. Everything.

But he drinks, and drinks some more. Because it would numb the ache in his heart. In his soul, the giant gap there, left behind. 

In his hand was clutched a sonogram. 

He cornered Rose in her office, saying nothing, breathing heavily, as the joy leeched out from her face, and she sat him down. 

"It's against HIPPAA, but... everyone knows. She's... Poe, I'm so sorry. But she's happy. She and Ben. It's... it's been coming a long time and you know it."

There on her desk was the sonogram.

Rey Kenobi, G1P0 4+3weeks  
Baby Kenobi-Solo

His hand fists around it crumpling the paper and Rose was about to scold him except he breaks in her office, breaks like he wanted to when Solo walked in the floor a spring in his step, a smile on his face, his child in the woman he loved. 

"Rose. Rose. I love her. I love her. I love her."

"Oh honey, I know."

And Rose sat with him at the Falcon as he throws drink after drink down his throat. 

"Poe. You have to stop."

He's been violently sick twice, and he keeps drinking back what his body expels. 

"You did this in Chandrilla when she went on a date with the lawyer. You can't do this. She's gone man. She's having Solo's kid. You... you're too late."

He throws his glass down and Babu sighs, putting an old withered hand on his forearm. 

"Son. Go home."

Armitage drags him up, and he slumps against him. Just holding, holding on, before burrowing his face in his shoulder and screaming. 

"Poe. Fuck. I'm so sorry."

Armie hold him up as the sonogram lay crumpled in his hand. 

He was late. He was too late. 

And it was all his damned fault. 


	8. You Are The Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: The Organa-Solo Annual Charity Gala and the hi-jinks it causes

**The Present**

Sometimes, she wakes up first. She sets her alarm a little earlier because Ben can sleep through an avalanche. And she likes to lay beside him and watch him sleep.

Before him she didn't really have a side of the bed. She just... slept smack in the center, surrounded by giant pillows on both sides - a habit she had from childhood. To keep the monsters at bay. Now she sleeps on the right side of the bed, for no particular reason really. It's just that Ben likes to keep his back nearest to the wall and observe the room at large, due to his military training and that happened to be the left side of the bed. So she got the right. 

It didn't matter really. 

Because she was a snuggler, and a cuddler, and a kicker. 

So wherever Ben was, she always ended up there. Wrapped in his arms, legs tangled with his - to prevent her from kicking him she was sure - and her face buried either in his armpit or his deltoid or his back. 

She likes days like this best though, when she wakes up against Ben's neck. Where he smells the most... Ben.

She inhales deeply and smiles when he shuffles closer in his sleep. 

In a year's time, it's only been a year, but she's gotten so used to Ben being here beside her. Whenever he goes for a call, which came rarer and rarer when they started their arrangement, she couldn't really sleep on her own anymore. 

So she got to schedule calls together, so they can huddle in the tiny bed in the call rooms. 

She shudders at the thought. Ben had become so integral to her life. She never imagined it could happen again. 

He was her first phone call whenever something, anything, good or bad happens. 

He was the one she wanted to tell every single secret to. 

He was the one he trusted the most. 

And she didn't think it was possible. 

Not after... not after Poe. 

And she wishes. 

A little part of her wishes. Maybe she should have met him first. 

Maybe she should have gone to Harvard instead of Columbia. 

Maybe then she would have met Ben. 

And she wouldn't have wasted all those years pining over someone who didn't feel the same way about her. 

But then again, maybe she was too young then? Too immature, back when she met Poe and it was all you and me against the world. 

Maybe time was a factor... because when she met Ben, it was just... easy. The things that could have driven them apart - her propositioning him for drunken sex the first time they met for instance, she smiles at the memory - only became funny anecdotes. 

Maybe... maybe... because it was Ben. 

She stopped believing in fate, because she thought Poe was the one, she was resigned, to a life of not loving someone so much they had the power to ruin your life. 

And she was fine with that. Life was simple, easy, like that. 

But she looks as Ben's hair flops over his face, traces the high arches of his cheeks, with a ghosting fingertip, and presses soft kisses on his lips, made for kissing, as he rouses, warm, and massive and all Ben and she feels his smile into her kiss, and she draws back because that, with his eyes all sleepy, and his hair soft and curling around his face, and his smile showing his croooked teeth, the dips of dimples in his cheeks, that, right there, was the best part of her day. 

"Good morning."

She whispers breathlessly as he hoists her under him, climbing on top of her to trace lazy kisses across her cheek and then nibbling at her lips. "Good morning sweetheart."

He grins and continues his journey, down her breast bone, and to her stomach, nuzzling at her bump. "Good morning baby."

Something flutters in her chest, a familiar thrum and warmth... a familiar feeling of being so... completely happy. A feeling she only felt while riding an electric scooter in the streets of Suburban Chandrilla with the wind in her hair and Poe Dameron screaming at her to keep to her left and not get hit by cars. 

And her hands tighten on his hair, and he looks up at her, attuned to her emotions, and the sudden panic rising in her throat. 

His hands cover her bump and he was already rising. 

"Rey? You okay?"

And she wants to cry because he was so good to her, so so good to her, that she couldn't do to him what she did to Poe. She couldn't take his friendship and think it was some romantic overture. She couldn't, didn't want to hate him, because he couldn't feel for her the same way she did. She didn't want to lose Ben, in the way she lost Poe. Because she's sure, losing Ben was something she won't be able to survive. 

So she tamps it down, the flutter in her heart. She was his best friend, the mother of his child, his co-parent, his bed mate. That was enough for her. She wasn't going to ask for more. She wouldn't. She couldn't. Not if it meant losing him. 

Once as a youth, when she told Poe that she loved him, she was a staunch romantic - a believer in Shakespeare's it is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. A Gryffindor by heart. She believes. She believes that if you love someone you tell them because you don't want to regret not knowing. But what she failed to realize was that you can regret knowing. Maybe if she didn't say anything she and Poe would still be the way they were. 

And she wouldn't make that same mistake with Ben. She wouldn't make him feel pressured, to love her, to return her feelings, to be the great man she expected him to be. She just wants him as Ben, and this is all he wanted. He made that clear. 

And she would do well to remember her boundaries. 

\---

To the media and everyone else, she was labelled as Dr. Rey Kenobi, girlfriend of Dr. Benjamin Solo, son of Senator Leia Organa. They were best friends, she went to every single Organa-Solo event. She spent her holidays with them at their Hampton home. And she lived with Ben. It was more troublesome to correct it, according to Leia and she agreed. It wasn't like she wanted to date or Ben wanted to date. Their arrangement made it a lot easier because the paparazzi weren't that interested in the perfect son of a perfect senator living in with his equally perfect girlfriend. 

Besides her connection to the Organa-Solo foundation allowed her to conduct medical missions in far flung places that the media selling her as the Doctor Princess, as combined with Leia's General Princess didn't bother her so much. 

So she dons on her nicest dress, a two year old black thing she got on a sale rack at Chanel when Ben and her were in Paris for conference and had been using in the past 2 years of Organa-Solo events. The media labelled her as an environmentally conscious person and touted her class and elegance going for simple styles. 

For Rey it wasn't so much as style as the dress was cheap enough, or at least as cheap as a dress in Chanel on a sale rack could be, and didn't cause too many snooty noses to turn up at her. And it fit, across her bump, having a flared skirt 

Her jewelry were all on loan from the Alderaan family jewels. 

She still can't believe that Ben had an honorary prince title in a small country off the coast of Europe that had been lost when it was annexed in World War II and the Amidala royal family had to relocate to the United States. Still, Ben has a nice villa in Alderaan, and was still awarded his official title whenever his mother visited there. 

Leia asked her to just wear something from the vault for these shindigs because seeing the Alderaan jewels on display brought out more fat checks from donors, trying to one up the royal-political and all around amazing family. 

For tonight, Leia asked her to wear Padme Amidala's necklace. It was beautiful, if she were to critique it, not liking jewels and gems herself. It wasn't the big chunky pieces you see on the telly. This one had a thin white gold necklace, attached to a large fat diamond, set in a delicate white gold filigree. It was simple, understated, and of precious value. 

Ben's eyes widened when he saw it on her and he blushed and stroked back his hair. 

He looked absolutely princely tonight. He wore a dark suit, with a dark shirt, and a white bow tie, and his hair, carefully styled by his mother's grooming team to cascade in soft waves down his neck. His hair was getting long, almost brushing his shoulders and she ran her hand through it. His beard was not shaven. "You need to cut your hair, sweetie."

His fingers toyed at the necklace she had on, and he sighed. 

"Of course my mom would make you wear this."

"Why? I like it, it's simple enough."

"My grandpa gave this to my grandma when they got married. The giant's tear."

"Oh... that's.."

Sweet. And it incited feelings in her, feelings she shouldn't be having regarding her best friend. And father of her child, a nasty voice whispers in her ear. 

She swats in away and takes the tie Ben has been struggling and ties it for him. 

She moves into his arms and he wraps his arms around her, grinning down at her as she ties a perfect Windsor and flattening his lapels, the glint of the Alderaanian crest on his lapel cold against her fingers. 

He stays like that, just smiling at her, swaying her side to side, and she grins up at him, her fingers still curled in his lapel. 

"Err... pardon me, Young Master Solo. Your mother is asking if you are ready to depart now?"

"Yes, thank you Threepio."

He releases Rey, but keeps her hands in his as he leads them out to the waiting car. 

\---

"And the man of the hour!"

Luke claps Ben on his back and his eyes gleam with joy when Rey kisses him on the cheek. "Lovely to see you my dear, and how is my grand baby?"

"You would know if you didn't overwork our Rey and pushed her to extended leave."

Han gripes as he hands Rey a giant plate of hors d'oeuvres. He winks at her startled glance. "I can't leave my grand baby to starve."

Ben's hand swoops for one of the canape's but Han swats his hand away, leaving Ben to grumble like a scorned child and Rey finding him adorable, sneaks him a bite which he gloats over to Han's amusement.

"Honestly you two..."

"Good evening to you all, and welcome to the annual Organa-Solo Gala. This year is really special because we have joining us, by this time next year, the newest addition to the Organa-Solo family. I'm sure as you all have seen, my son's girlfriend, and our favorite volunteer Dr. Rey Kenobi is expecting, so this gala serves as both a charitable event and a celebration for my son and his new family. To Ben and Rey!"

It was a typical gala where Ben had to be whisked away with Leia and Luke to deal with the pesky politics and she and Han usually hung out at the bar with Chewie and Maz. This year she couldn't drink, so Han, with the solidarity of a grandpa decided he too will remain sober for the evening. 

"How's the nausea kid?"

"The rest helps. And Ben regimented my food, don't think I didn't notice the menu for tonight was everything that would not send me puking my guts out in a lavatory. But mostly being stress free and unburdened. I'm not rushing in between surgeries, not rushing to go to a conference or a meeting. I've been sleeping. It's been great. It's going to be hard, when the baby comes and then I have to balance work and the baby."

Han sighs and pats her hand. 

"Yeah... about that kid, you sure you're... I don't know continuing work after the little one comes?"

"What do you mean?"

"Leia and I... we were hardly around for Ben. And. Well you know what happened. The Marines. Snoke. All that... anger and resentment before we got to where we are now. I just... if I can turn back time I would have given up everything and spent more time with Ben. Now don't get me wrong, I'm proud of you, and I think mothers can have a good career and raise a great family, so can fathers. And Ben... well you probably know better than I do, Ben's on your side. But... I don't want you to make the same mistakes we did. And I had the same talk with Ben... you can imagine how that went."

She laid her hand over his and smiled. "I already love this baby with everything in me. And so does Ben. And so will you. You won't make the same mistakes. Ben and I... we planned to tell you later but we actually bought as house, on West End, about fifteen minutes away from you guys. We want you to be a part of this baby's life. We're family now. And we will always have each other."

Han's hand tightens on her, and with a quirk of his lips he mutters - "I know."

\---

She wakes up with the nausea again, the first she was placed on bed rest. The fatigue, plus the overload of food was probably enough to set her system all wonky again. 

She groans and rolls over Ben to get to the bathroom, and ends up resting her full weight on him and whimpering. He simply grunts at her weight and groans awake. 

"Rey? What time is it?"

"I'm gonna be sick Ben."

"Oh... okay, you want me to carry you?"

She nods and adjusts herself as he pushes himself up off the bed. She winds her arms around him and lifts her legs around his waist, walking to their loo. 

"You want the sink or the toilet?"

"Sink."

He puts her down and holds her hair back, as her stomach heaves her nausea. 

"Oh God... I want this phase to be over."

She leans her head back against his chest, and he rubs soothing circles on her belly, over the swell of their child. 

"Little more to go, sweetheart."

When she was done she lifted her arms to be carried again, and Ben smiles fondly at her, sweeping her into his arms, and cradling her there. 

He plops her on the bed and stretches beside her, absently scratching at his abs. 

Rey grins and picks up her phone, determined to get a photo of cute sleepy Ben when she notices the amount of notices she's had from this morning. 

"Uh... Ben? Why is everyone we know leaving me messages? Is there a big trauma at the hospital?"

Ben looks at her phone, his brow furrowing. "My phone didn't go off... I left it charging in the kitchen wait let me see."

Ben walks out of the room and she turns on TV just to see if anything major happened before tapping on Rose's message. 

_You and Ben got engaged and didn't tell_ us?

What?

Then she looks at the TV, of a photo of her in last night's gala with Ben, Padme Amidala's necklace on her neck and another photo of her and Ben with Kaydel, outside their new home. The subline read: Son of New York City Senator Leia Organa Engaged and Expecting First Child With Fiancee.

"BEN!" The scream was out her throat the second Ben came thundering back in, phone held in his hand, face pale. 

"Shit." They mutually exclaimed.

\---


	9. If You Let Me Down, Let Me Down Slowly

**One Year Ago**

"Ow."

Ben's head peer around from the shower curtain as she groans, and shudders as she tries to force her pee out. 

"Shit."

"Yeah. Shit."

She was almost religious in the way she followed the golden rule of sex - pee before, and pee after. 

Except in the past week or so, she's had sex more times than what her bladder can pee out. And it's not like Ben was pulling out. When he came, it was inside of her.

She'd be so full of him, he leaks out of her. 

A UTI was not a question of if - it was a question of when. And it finally came. 

Another wave of pain goes through her and not even caring about his shirt that she has on, she stands up and walks over to him, to burrow in his arms. 

"Your giant dick finally gave me cystitis."

"I told you I should have pulled out the last time."

"I wanted it... I wanted you."

She blushes at her own brazenness as she licks and sucks water out of his collarbone, but like many things in her life - this was Ben, and she can show a side of herself that she has never shown anyone and he wouldn't judge her, or shun her. In the three months since their arrangement - Rey found out that she vastly enjoyed sex. 

Or, specifically she enjoyed sex with Ben. 

Anything he makes her do, it's fun, it's safe, it's okay, it's highly erotic and guaranteed to have her screaming his name out. Because he was Ben and she trusted him more than she ever trusted anyone in the world. 

"We can't have sex. You have to get antibiotics."

"Ugh, but I don't want to see a doctor for this."

"Rey-"

He knows what she wants. She wants him to just write her prescription for her. 

"Please Ben? Then we can just... stay in?"

He grumbles and catches her face in between his. 

"I need your liver function. I am not giving you gentamicin without."

"But..."

"But what."

"It's so embarassing."

She blushes fire engine red, when he chuckles. 

"Okay, we'll go out of town, and seeing someone else. My mother's family doctor? She's discreet. And well... she won't tell anyone, not even my mom."

"Okay."

"Come to think of it, she's my grandpa's student."

"Really? So... she's a surgeon?"

"No."

A curtain crosses over Ben's face. 

His grandfather was a sore subject still. Dr. Anakin Skywalker, who became a military surgeon under the name Darth Vader. He and General Sheev Palpatine were hailed as heroes, for evacuating a hospital during the war. He was the reason Ben went into military despite opposition from his mom and uncle. 

There were some issues there - that lead to Leia and Luke being separated at birth and Leia being an Organa, while Luke remained a Skywalker. 

She never asked because Ben looked so sad whenever he thinks about it. And... she always wanted to know about Poe before. Be the only person he trusted. And he found that invasive and annoying. So she shakes her head and hugs Ben tight, and soothes him. If he wants to tell her, she'll listen. If he wants her to just be here and hold him, she'll do that. 

As long as she's with Ben... she can take what she can. 

\---

Dr. Ahsoka Tano ran a small free clinic in Harlem. It's halls were pristine and clean and smelled exactly like the insides of a surgical floor. 

There was a special quarantine center in the floor below where the homeless can get a bath, hygiene products and change of fresh clothes. They can come in everyday if they wanted to, at no cost, to keep grooming. 

She charges nothing for medications and consults. 

There was an AA meeting, a small inpatient service for drug detoxification and alcohol withdrawal. 

And all the people kept a wide breadth of her because Ahsoka has helped more than they can count. She was neutral territory in otherwise terrifying Harlem. 

She looked up at them with lips quirked to high heaven, as she personally rushed out of her clinic room to look at them when her nurse handed her the next patient file - which contained her name, and her chief complaint. 

She was a tall woman, with ice blue eyes that cut to laser points. Her white hair in a poofy braid around her tanned skin. She looked like she can kick their asses, even in her age. 

"Dr. Kenobi, I heard many great things about your from Leia."

Rey blushed, as she sank down in her seat. 

"I... please call me Rey. Given the circumstances."

Ahsoka chuckles and sits back down behind her consult chair. 

"I skipped a lot of the Organa-Solo fundraisers. Didn't seem right for me to be there... given the..."

She circles the air to indicate something and Ben stiffens. 

"Anyway, when we met I certainly didn't expect it to be because of... you having a UTI."

She blushes again and Ben squirms beside her. 

"And for you, a doctor in the most prestigious hospital in this town, to drive all the way here, to a free clinic, for antibiotics. And a blood test. Your uncle not paying you enough Ben?"

They say nothing and her smile flicks up on her face, wide and beaming. 

"It's alright kids, I've been a doctor for so long, I have seen things worse than a UTI from two oversexed people, trying to hide it from their workplace."

"How did-"

"It's not-"

She lifts a finger and wags it. "If this was a run of the mill UTI you would have gotten it treated in Coruscant. But you wanted no one to find out, so you came to me. Which begs the question - what is so embarassing about a UTI. And for some weird reason, Ben knows about it too. Enough to bring you to me, because he knows I will be discreet. And unlike Luke, I won't blab to his mother."

The both blush and Ahsoka laughs. 

"Oh to be young again. I'm guessing I shouldn't remind you to pee before and after?"

"I try but-"

Rey turns to playfully glare at Ben who further blushes and Ahsoka chuckles once more, patting Rey's hand.

"And your symptoms?"

"Irritative symptoms that started this morning. No loin pain, no flank pain, no fever. My urine's not cloudy too."

"And the last time you had sex?"

"Last night... this morning."

She blushes and Ahsoka grins. 

"I know I shouldn't be reminding you this but since you both are guilty school children in my clinic, I should remind you of the necessity of using condoms even on birth control? Once in a while? It protects you. From all this."

"We're..."

Rey reaches for his hand. "We're trying to get pregnant."

Ahsoka's eyebrows raise to high heaven and Ben smiles at Rey, squeezing her hand. 

"Oh... oh how wonderful! Are you on your prenatals?"

"I started folic acid, eating healthy and avoiding most teratogens... but... it's been three months."

"And you've had sex-?"

"Dr. Tano, I have a UTI. What do you think?"

Ahsoka pauses at Rey's wry tone before laughing loudly. 

"Oh, I see why Leia adores you, young Rey. Well, as you should know, these things take time. Just take it easy, don't stress. You're young yet. I'll give you a different set of antibiotics, in case you get pregnant in the next month. Gentamicin is not good for the baby so we'll give you Ceftriaxone. I'd need you to do a urine test and a pregnancy test, and that should be it. Ben. A baby."

She stoops down to hug him and Ben smiles into it, holding her close. 

"I know. Don't tell mom. Not yet. She'll add to the stress."

Ahsoka grins and pats his cheek. "Just like your grandfather. Very well, but, you promise to let me visit your little one, once they arrive."

\---

She was quiet in the car ride, just looking at him. 

She loved Ben in shirts the most, the way the tight cotton of his white shirt stretches across his chest, and frames his biceps deliciously. She loved the way his jeans showed off the length of his legs. And with his hair all... princely, brushing the edge of his shoulder and his face clean shaven, he almost looks like... some dangerous tall man, ready to sweep her off her feet. 

"What?"

He turns to her at a stop light, picking her hand and twining his fingers with hers. 

"Your grandfather..."

His jaw tenses and the hand she was holding tightens around her fingers. 

"You don't have to tell me anything. I was... just wondering."

Ben breathes out, and turns to her. 

"About what?"

"Uhm... what happened? And if... Leia didn't even know... how did you find out about him? You don't have to tell me anything though."

Ben withdrew his hand when the light changed, putting both of them on the wheel, and his grip on it knuckle white. 

She swallows, she knew it. She shouldn't have... she shouldn't... and now he's angry and she's annoying and she's rocking the boat. They were just friends. Just friends. 

"My grandfather was a surgeon, but during the World War, he decided to sign up for the army. To help. He wanted to be neutral, help both sides, anyone who needs medical attention. He was a good man."

His voice surprised her, the fondness in it, and she smiles. That was enough, she won't push him, won't prod him, won't demand more than he offers. She nods, preparing to change the subject, when he takes her hand. 

"Until he wasn't. He was sent to Naboo in his third or fourth year. My grandmother's country. Where she was Queen, but even then it was an honorary title. Naboo was small, mostly a passageway to bigger countries it bordered, and not a stronghold. They surrendered of course, like Switzerland, and became neutral territory. My grandfather set up camp there as soldiers from all fronts can come to Naboo and be treated. They fell in love, and my grandmother... she was the light of his life. Then... my grandmother got pregnant. And... it was bad. She was sick a lot, and she was carrying twins, and she needed specialist care. Medicines that were not given in a time of war. But she was queen of a neutral country, she cannot go anywhere to seek help, as her leaving Naboo would be an act of war, of her allying somewhere. So... General Palpatine came up with a plan."

She reaches over the console and lays her head on his shoulder as he tenses. She nuzzles with her cheek and Ben sighs, turning the car off the mainroad, away from Coruscant to the park. He was silent and she recognized where he was taking them, their favorite place in the world. 

She wrapped her arms around his waist when they got off the car, the sun high in the sky, the air smelling of horse dung and city, but this was their place. The faint strums of Imagine playing as they got nearer and nearer Strawberry Fields.

They sit on a bench, just listening, her head tucked against his shoulder, a typical lazy Saturday for them both. 

She soothed and comforted, until he at last raises his head from against hers and nudges her out of his shoulder and holds both her hands as he looks to her. 

"He planned to... bomb the hospital. With a bomb from the Germans. They were losing the war at the time America came in to help, and... they needed more countries to be angry at the Germans. It would allow my grandmother to leave, and the fall out would be on the Germans - they attacked a small neutral country, helping their countrymen. At the time most of the patients in were from the German side. My grandfather... agreed."

Such horror crossed his face, and his jaw clenched. 

"Oh... Ben. It... he didn't have a choice."

She gripped his hands as the horror flashes on his face. 

"When the hospital blew up... they were able to save everyone, except... my grandfather lost an arm in the blast and he was supposed to evacuate the children's wing... and he wasn't able to. Those children... those children died in the second explosion. There were a 130 of them, at last count. Give or take."

"Ben..."

"He was hailed as hero, but he wasn't. He wasn't. My grandmother found out, how I don't know... but she was so betrayed, she wanted my grandfather gone. He went back to the warzone when his hand healed, with General Palpatine. They both died in Pearl Harbor. My grandmother, she got sicker, and sicker. And when she gave birth, she died of a broken heart, over her husband. My mother, and my uncle... got separated, because it was still a dangerous time, for the prince and princess of Naboo. They were both sent here to America. But my father's family was poor, so they can only take one child. My mother was sent for adoption. And my uncle with my father's family. They didn't know about each other until they all met for the Korean war...and the truth about my grandfather came out. I... sorry Rey, it's too much."

"It's okay."

More than okay. 

He had demons, she knew that.

But they would figure it out. 

Together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we all know it, it's obvious. Rey's in love with Ben. Ben's in love with Rey. And before life happened to me, I expected that once you love someone it's simple. You fall in love, you tell them, story over. The fun part is in the falling. Now that life happened to me though? Telling someone you love them is shitty. Especially because when you're the person involved you're not 100% sure if they love you, or are just trying to be friends with you, and you don't want to rock the boat. Because your choice is to have a label or lose the person you love. 
> 
> Which is exactly what happened to Rey. She fell in love with Poe - who did, by all intents, love her to a certain extent, but not... in that way. So her telling her feelings for him, rocking the boat when they were essentially okay, just... uncommitted - and she started wanting more - it caused her relationship with Poe to fracture. 
> 
> Someone said it - those were the make or break moments of Rey and Poe and they didn't make it. She doesn't want the same to happen with Ben. 
> 
> Ben on the other hand... has issues. Issues we haven't explored yet, because I'm putting in the final clinks of pieces in Rey's story. 
> 
> There is no third party in this. I think we can all tell Rey has moved on from Poe, and there wouldn't be a universe she would jeopardize her relationship with Ben. (But Ben does not know that). But the crux of the matter between Rey and Poe is that they ended so horribly broken from each other, and neither had the opportunity or desire to forgive the other because it was easier to move on hurt and broken. 
> 
> So... there would need to be some closure for them, and for Rey to understand that Ben is not Poe and her situation with Ben is different - in that her feelings are returned. 
> 
> I do want to handle this as delicately as possible - again without taking away what those three years of a half relationship with Poe meant for Rey.


	10. Love Save The Empty

**The Present**

"I can't believe it."

"Believe it."

"You and Ben."

"Yes."

"He proposed?"

"Not exactly."

"Well then, what?"

She sighs and cradles her bump, now at thirteen weeks, she was very pronouncedly huge. There was a definite bump there now, whereas her ten weeker bump looked like a mild beer belly. 

"Well... for starters when Leia's office tried to refute the claims, no one really believed it, and the frenzy of the are they or aren't they was so huge, Ben and I were tailed by paparazzi day in and day out. So... admitting is easier. They got their photo, their storyline, and... they left us alone. And then..."

Rose leaned forward, expecting some big romantic gesture from Ben. 

Rey leaned back and shrugged. 

"I want our baby to have a family. A proper one. I know... it's... dated of me. In this day and age you don't need a marriage to be a family. But... I never knew my parents, and I look at Han and Leia and how even after everything they're a unit. And Ben is my family. He'll be there for the big decisions, for raising our kids. He's it for me. But legally he's not. What happens if I get into an accident? He can't make my decisions for me, because legally he's no one to me, no matter how big he is in my life. I don't want Ben to be just nobody. I really want him and me to be a proper family. With our kids. And if I need this slip of paper to have that, then I don't see why not."

Rose's eyes dimmed and she studied Rey through her glass.

"But... you don't love him."

"Of course I do."

Something in her physically recoils, at the notion that she doesn't love Ben, that he's not the first thing she thinks about when she wakes, that he's not the last thing she is thankful for before she falls asleep. That he doesn't occupy every space left in her heart.

"Yeah but... not romantically."

"That doesn't mean I love him any less!"

On her phone was a photo of the first Christmas she and Ben spent together at their apartment. It was Christmas Eve and his parents invited them to go to their house, but Ben hated the annual Christmas Party at their house - filled with smooching and trying to gain favor with Senator Organa. So... they created their own tradition. His hair was long then, and they were in matching ugly Christmas sweaters, both laughing madly as Ben ran like a giraffe learning to walk to make it in time for the selfie. 

It was the happiest day in her life. 

He was the happiest part of her life and she won't have anyone belittling his role just because of a preconceived notion that she has to be in love with him, like boombox over your head in love. 

Rose looks at her, as she stares at the photo on her lockscreen and sighs. 

"You should tell him that Rey."

"What?"

"None of this, I want to legally be a family bullshit. You should tell him you want to marry him because you love him."

The last time she did that... she didn't want to think about it. 

"It's better this way Rose."

"Is it?"

Rey's eyes raise to hers. "I have him. With me. He's marrying me. I... I won't change that. For anything. I can't lose him Rose."

Rose hands grip hers and the look on her face was of pity. 

"Rey. You won't lose Ben. It's not the same. He's not Poe."

But she has the sinking feeling that it is. 

\---

**One Week Ago**

"I swear they're everywhere."

She was in his hoodie and her leggings, and she just wanted to go to a local bodega to get Milky Ways. 

Because oh God, once she stopped vomitting her guts out by week twelve, something else set in - cravings. 

Weird, out of the mill cravings. 

Today it was Milky Way, but not the big bar, the tiny, small sized squares that come in a party pack. 

Two weeks it's been since the engagement rumors came out, and Leia's office was quick to refute it - saying that Ben and Rey will be co-parenting but not marrying. But annoyingly enough they had a lot of press coverage. Photos of her and Ben walking in Central Park, hand in hand, ice cream stains on their shirts. Of them walking out of the hospital after the twelve week scan, grinning and smiling as every bit of their baby was growing as expected. 

And even now, when she hasn't showered in a day, her hair stuffed in a ratty ponytail under a Knicks cap, and Ben equally rumpled as she is, they were still taking photos. 

No one bought Leias's retraction. Everyone thinks they were hiding it and there were awkward zoom ins of her fingers whenever they were featured in the news. 

"I swear at this point, maybe we should just get married. Maybe then they'll leave us alone." She muttered annoyingly when another photo of her ringless fingers were zoomed in and people were convinced Padme Amidala's necklace was her engagement ornament. _She's a surgeon and Ben knows that. She probably can't wear rings._

Ben looks up at her, heat in his eyes. 

"Do you mean that?"

Something in his stare offset her and she swallows walking over to where he was sat, in the patio with the newest surgery journal in his hands. 

She straddles his lap, curling against his chest, and sighing when his hands rub up and down her back. Her belly nicely nestled in between them. 

"Honestly Ben? I have been thinking about it. I told you before, when we planned to have him, I don't see myself... with anyone. You're it. You're my family. You, and this baby and Han and Leia and Luke and Chewie, and maybe Rose and Armie. But when it comes down to it, it's you. And our baby. And I'm happy with the way we are. I am. I also don't want to trap you in something, in case... you know. You meet someone else."

The ache of it pits at her stomach. And she wonders at it, why the notion of Ben being with someone else hurt her so much. 

Ben was quick, to pull her face up to him, and he kisses her, deep, hard, his tongue against hers. 

"I won't meet someone else. You're it for me too, Rey. You're my family."

"Wouldn't you... I mean, want someone to love?"

He scoffs and shakes his head. "Love is messy. Just... look at my parents. They were so caught up in their careers, their emotions, always fighting, blaming, getting jealous, getting petty... love makes a bad environment for a kid. I like what we have. We're sane. Rational adults. Who respect each other and care for each other. And I do love you. Maybe not in the romantic sense, but I love you still. And it's more solid that way. And our kids will grow up with both of us there supporting them, not just... using them as leverage when the romance goes sour."

Of course. Of course. That's why he agreed to this anyway. They were set in their ways, they weren't messy. They were... easy. Simple. People who cared for each other. 

So why was she hurt at his description? When it's the exact same sentiment she shared?

"Yeah, I feel the same way Ben."

The words were like sand in her throat, but she says them, because it was true, it was supposed to be true. 

"So... then... if that's the case, then why not get married?"

She asks Ben and his eyes widen. 

"Rey... you can't possibly-"

"I mean... it's paper. It's just paper. That makes you legally my family. So in case something happens to me-

"Don't-"

"Or any emergency, you'd have the law, to act on my behalf. You'd be my family. I think I want that Ben. I really want you to be legally my family. And the world thinks we're getting married anyway... so why not?"

"You want to marry me?"

"Yes."

He pauses, for a second, and then a huge smile erupts on his face.

"Oh... wow... Rey. I'm happy. I'm so happy."

"You are?"

"Yeah I mean... when we got pregnant I considered, because... but then you said you wanted it casual, like co-parenting, no strings and I wanted to respect your wishes but... I mean... yeah."

"So we're getting married?"

"We are."

She grins and kisses him, and moans when his hands start to dip below her pants. 

"I think our engagement is something to be celebrated, yes?"


	11. Thanks For The Memories

**The Present**

"Go."

"No. I won't be that kind of dad."

"The scan's finished, the baby is fine, heart beat and all that. I can bring myself home. Or honestly, Ben, it would be nice to look around, I do miss the hospital."

"Rey-"

"You're a surgeon and a dad. You're good at both. Going to one emergency surgery doesn't mean you'll miss his first basketball game - which we will have words about if it does happen. But that's not this case. Go save a life babe."

She pats his ass, and tugs his shirt down to give him a lengthy kiss. 

"I'll come get you when I can?"

"Yes. Now go."

Ben was technically on leave. But there was an eighteen car pile up on the free way and they activated all trauma surgeons on hand. 

Her 14 week bump was much more pronounced now, which should not surprise her at all given Ben's size, but she happily cradles it, as she walks out of the scrub change room she forced Ben in to and made her way to the attending's lounge, hoping to catch Phasma or Rose or Armie to join her for lunch. 

"Hello people did you miss me?"

She opens the door, the beaming smile on her face fading as she sees Poe Dameron, putting on his scrub top over his naked torso. She flushes and averts her eyes. 

"Hey..." He says, nodding at her direction and she nods. 

"I was just... ah... I'll go-"

"What do you need?"

He turns to her now, eyes drifitng down to her overt bump, emphasized by the maternity dresses she had started to wear, along with her cartoon sock of Captain America and her crocs. 

A smile crosses his lips, and she sighs. 

"I was looking for Rose, or Phasma or maybe Armie? Ben has surgery so... I have some time."

"Yeah, the trauma."

"You don't have to be in there?"

"No. Just scrubbed out. I'm post call."

He rubs at his face, and she nods, biting her lip, unable to say anything. 

"I'm free... if you need to... I don't know, grab lunch?"

He never asked her before. She always had to make the effort to spend time with him. 

"Oh, no. No it's fine... I can wait..."

"I'm heading to Let's Eat. I'm craving for the chicken."

He loved that place. And apparently, her baby decided it wants that to as her mouth started salivating. 

\---

They sat in awkward silence waiting for food to arrive. 

When their buzzers sounded off he took both and got their food. The smell of lemon grass chicken and coconut rice assaulted her senses and she forgot to be awkward as she eagerly dug in to her food, moaning happily as she shovelled all the umami goodness in. 

She blinks her eyes open to note Poe smiling softly at her. 

She flushes and looks down on her plate. "Sorry. It's... I think he's compensating for when I puked everything out."

"It's a boy?"

Her kid. They can talk about her kid, that's an easy enough topic.

"We don't know yet. The screening scan's in 8 weeks. But I think... I mean I hope he's a boy. A little Ben. Ben thinks it'll be a girl though."

She grins at the image of her boys standing together, dark hairs curling around their princely faces. 

Poe's smile falls at that and he attacks his chicken. 

"Yeah, what an unfortunate kid to look like Solo."

She looks up sharply at his acidic tone. "Ben's handsome."

"No need to be defensive."

"I'm not, I'm just saying-"

"Remember that time, in Chandrilla?"

She flinches, she doesn't like to think about the month she spent in Chandrilla, with him, imagining a life of what ifs and could have beens. 

"No. I think I was drunk a lot then. Armie's fault."

"No, remember, we took a Spin out, to go to the mall, and it ended up being a bust? And we were looking at shoes and caps? And you wanted shorts?"

Of course she remembers. It was one of the best days of her life. 

"I do. I fell down, it was my first time riding an e-scooter. It was... one of the best days of my life."

"What happened to us, Rey? When did it get so complicated."

"I think it always was. I just got good, at pretending it wasn't."

"What if I tell you it doesn't have to be complicated anymore?"

"No. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I never lost you before Rey. Not really. If I had known it feels like this I would have said damn everything and jumped in with you."

\---

"Poe and I ate lunch together today."

He stiffens, and turns to her.

"Oh?"

"He spoke about Chandrilla."

Hands tighten on the steering wheel. 

"I see."

"No, you don't."

She turns to him, hands opening his zipper and taking his cock out of his pants. 

The windows of his car were heavily tinted, thank God, but-

"Rey. I'm driving."

"Keep driving, focus."

She sucks at his tip, and it takes an iron grip, to inch the car forward, slowly. 

"Rey."

She licks him from base to tip before taking him in until he hits the back of her throat. Her hands grabbing at what she couldn't fit. 

"Fuck. You have to stop sweetheart."

"You taught me how to do this." She murmurs, taking him out of her throat and licking and nipping at his glans, pumping him up and down.

His breath shudders as he hits another stop sign. Four blocks and a left, he keeps thinking to himself. Four blocks and a left.

He leans back on his seat and takes one hand through her hair, stroking it as she bobbed up and down his shaft.

"Fuck, I'm close."

"I haven't touched anyone like this. I don't want to touch anyone else like this."

She leans back up, mouth away from him and he whines, and she grins, hands pumping him, as she turns his face to look into hers.

"I don't want to fuck anyone other than you, Ben."

And he comes apart in her hands, as the light shifts and horns blare from behind him. 

"Drive Ben." She tugs the stick to drive, as he shakily urges the car to go forward, in a speed faster than he should have to cover the four blocks and a left that was keeping him from her pussy.

His cock hung out of his pants, cooled by the airconditioning on his cum and her saliva and she hummed happily, licking her hands as he drove them both home. 

He barely got the car in park, before he was on her, leggings ripped at the crotch, fingers in her tight pussy, and tongue lapping at her clit.

\---

He lay spooning her back, as she panted, kissing his arm, sucking at his fingers, that had him moaning and thrusting against her ass, his free hand on their child. 

"Rey."

"Hmmm?"

"I think..." His voice croaks and she grins, spreading her legs as his hands wander down to her slit once more, rubbing at their combined wetness.

"I think if this is what speaking to Dameron does to you, you should do it once a day."

She laughs but turns her head to him, her eyes open, eager and seeking.

"Do you mean that?"

"Yeah. It would be fun reminding you that you're _mine."_

He bites down on her shoulder as he says it and she gasps, coming apart against his fingers.

"I'm yours."

"What's that Rey?" He grins as he moves his fingers up and down inside of her and she moans, gripping his wrist, pulling and pushing him away. 

"I'm yours, Ben. Yours. Yours."

"That's right. You're mine."

She explodes against him, and slumps against his back, panting hard and promptly falling asleep. He smiles and kisses her nape.

\---

"Leave Rey alone."

He wanted to say it with his fist against his face, his hands in his throat, lifting him into the air. 

Dameron only smirks at him. 

"Sure. Won't say she won't come to me though."

Ben felt the anger rush through him. And let it go.

"Why are you even doing this? You could have... she loved you for so long. Why now? She's... look, she's pregnant, and she can't have this stressing her out, otherwise I would let her chew you out on her own."

"You stole her away."

"Excuse me?"

"She came back, and I was willing, I was going to... crawl, beg, do anything she wanted. But you were here, and you stole her away. And she watched you, and she looked at you, and she smiled. God the last time she smiled like that was in year one, before she even knew I existed. You stole her away. Before I even got the chance to make it up."

Ben frowns in his beer bottle, and tips it back. 

"You had six years, Dameron. I didn't steal anything from you."

"I'm getting her back, Ben."

He remembers the way she clenched around his cock, milking him of his seed.

He feels the vibration of her calling him, and her ten text messages. 

_You said until 10. It's 9:45, come home Ben._

_Please I'm really really wet._

_You promised. You'll make me come so many times I won't walk._

He calls her again, eyes on Dameron and when she picks up with a breathless moan he grins, the reason not lost on his adversary.

"Hey baby."

He never calls her that, she was always sweetheart, or sweetie or Rey.

She laughs at his deep voice, clearing her throat and replying with a breathy "Hey back baby."

"I'm coming home."

_Oh you'll definitely come Ben._

He drops the call and tips the last of his beer into his mouth. Rey likes using him now to taste things she couldn't. Coffee, sushi, alcohol, sucking the taste down from his tongue 

"You can try Poe. But I think we both know who she'll choose."

"Do you love her?"

He asks, glasses drooping down his nose, hands clenched tight around his glass.

"More than you could."

It was a truth he's known since the first morning he woke up with her in his arms. 

She was Rey, she was family, she was his.

"Then don't make the same mistake I did. Make sure she knows."

"It's... not like that."

"Isn't it? Because if you don't do it Ben, someone will come, someone will get her, and you'll end up in a bar, with the man who got her pregnant, wishing to hell it was you. I loved her the most. You wouldn't understand it, but I loved her the most, more than my own life. More than anything. Don't make my mistakes."

\---

**Three Years Ago**

"Happy birthday Ben!"

She enters his room, a tray on her hands, with pancakes and eggs and bacon, and a singular chocolate banana cupcake with a candle in it. 

He groans as he sits up, smiling blearily as she sings happy birthday off key as she films him. 

"Make a wish!"

I wish...

He looks at her, hair in a bun, old Harry Potter shirt, and ratty shorts, grinning at him and smelling of sweat and bacon grease.

 _I wish I get to spend all my birthdays with you._

And blows out his candle. 


	12. Pretty Boy, Say You Love Me Too

**One Year Ago**

"I'm close sweetheart."

He grunts as he thrusts up into her, her ass held on his forearms, his sweaty forehead on hers, as his lips sought hers out.

"It's okay. Come inside me Ben."

He tilts her forward, releasing his hold on her ass and letting gravity sink her down on him, as he holds her back tight against him. 

"Fuck, Ben... that's... you're so deep."

She scrabbles at his back, fists tightening on his scrub top, her mouth licking and sucking at his neck. He smells of Ben - laundry soap and sweat and his facial wash. 

It smells so good she inhales it as she spasms around him, coming apart so intensely. 

"You're tight sweetheart."

He thrusts once, twice, into her before coming apart and squirting into her. His cum hits her cervix, triggering another orgasm from her, her legs still wound tight around him. 

His lips suckle at her breast, and she breathes hard, the fog of desire clearing for her to remember exactly where they are - in their shower, at their apartment, which now houses Armie and Rose whose apartment sprang a leak in the bathroom. 

"You're loud."

He says as he releases her nipple, licking at it with his tongue and she swats his bicep weakly. "Your fault."

She cuddles him close, arms tightening around his neck, his half hard dick still inside her.

"We better get going sweetheart."

"Can you carry me?"

"Wow, I really fucked your brains out huh?"

"Ben, I would have a decent comeback if I'm still not wrapped around you."

She clenched her muscles around him and he breathes out, feeling himself harden. 

"Rey-"

She sleepily holds him there and he grins, still carrying her slowly deadening weight in his arms, and hefts her to their bed. 

He puts her down but she keeps his hold on him, and so he goes down with her, lifting the covers over both their heads.

"Ben."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

She nuzzles against him, before huffing out and evening her breath. 

Shit.

To a certain degree he knows. He loves her too. That's what they always said. 

But this felt different. 

This felt forbidden. 

Don't mess it up. He thinks to himself. Don't mess it up. 

But he keeps still, wrapped around her. 

Holding her tight, as he stares into the darkness of the night. 

\---

**The Present**

There was no denying that she was beautiful. But like this, bathed with sunlight, mouth open, wide belly spilling out underneath her bikini in the afternoon sun in their patio, she was incandescent. 

He sits there for a while, just looking at her. How he became so lucky to have her now. 

He knows he loves her, always had from the beginning. 

But he never thought of that love changing, evolving, becoming something other than... this love. 

Bright, beautiful, golden - like daylight. 

So he didn't say anything, because they both weren't like that, they didn't need that. They were engaged, having a baby, raising a family. Surely... that love there, that I want to be here for you and build a family with you and lick your pussy dry every evening love is enough.

But no. People want poetry, and sonnets and romance novels - you know how those end? In tragedy. 

Whereas this love which is built on trust and friendship and respect, a love that is not a feeling but a choice - isn't that more essential?

He loves her, he doesn't want to lose her, but could he be enough?

He didn't want to be Poe. He didn't want to love her and break her. 

He didn't want to break her heart. 

Resolves not to. 


	13. Interlude: When I Fall In Love

**Interlude: Ben Solo Through Her Eyes In The Year of Baby Making**

The first time she sees him in that bar, something in her clicks. 

He was beautiful. 

It was his hair that captivated her first, long and princely it it's waves. 

She was halfway in love with him and she only saw the back of him. 

The copious amounts of tequila in her system did not do much for her too. 

But when she saw his face, when she first sees his smile, that wrinkles his cheeks, and transforms his eyes and makes him look a decade younger, she knew. 

He was the angel she had been praying for. 

\---

She knows she loves him when she wakes up, in their apartment, in his arms, after having fallen asleep to Netflix again. 

She wasn't alone anymore. She had Ben. 

And Ben stayed not because he had feelings for her, those fickle notions of falling in love and soulmate. Ben was her best friend, in a way she tried to make Poe be. Ben chose her. Ben was here for her. Even though he wasn't.... how does she explain how much that means to her. That someone can love her without conditions? That someone can choose her? That someone can give her so much of him?

So she loves Ben, in a way she has never loved anyone before. Whole. Unconditional - she just loves him for him. 

She doesn't even feel the familiar pull - the tell him or you'll regret it, because what she'll regret the most is not telling him she loves him. It's losing this with Ben, because this, already was so much greater, and so much bigger than what she feels for Poe. 

So she stays quiet and she watches him sleep, and she burrows in his arms, and it is enough, because this is Ben. And as long as she has him, in whatever way possible, she will keep him. 

\---

She's never thought she was missing anything until she has sex with Ben. 

And then she has never felt so full before in her entire life. 

So this is what it is, she thinks as he finds places inside her, places she never knew existed, and strokes it, caresses it. 

She's never thought she was incomplete, until Ben fills her, and that was all she can think about. 

\---

"I don't know what to do."

"Honey."

Rose grips her hands, eyes blurry with the haze of alcohol they consumed. 

"He loves you."

"Yes, I know. It's impossible not to know."

"But?"

"What if it's not like that?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, I'm not making any sense."

Rose sighs and Phasma groans from their feet, glaring at them both. 

"He thinks you're still in love with Poe. That's why he hasn't said anything."

Rey balks and points at her very sore vagina. 

"How can he think that? I have to _ice_ my vagina every night from overuse. How can he think I have room left in me to love some other man when I am pumped full of his semen every damned night?"

Rose grimaces at the mental image she conjured. Phasma only shifts to her side, using her arms as pillows and pins her with an icy look. 

"Because that's what you said when you met. You'll never love anyone other than Poe. And it was believable. You did... kind of... self destruct after Poe."

"Yeah but I haven't really been in love with Poe since..."

She saw Ben. 

She had lived in Boston for 4 years then. She was moving on, she made new friends, she had a different life. 

But she was still so afraid to take a chance. Because what if... what if it ends up like Poe. What if she loved someone so much, again, and it ends. 

She wasn't ready to open herself up to that again. 

"But okay... so... you're already sleeping together, you live together and if you get pregnant you both will be parents. It's not like Ben's going to run... so what difference does it make if you tell him? He obviously loves you too..."

"I don't want to pressure him, the way I did Poe. I don't want to make him feel he has to match my feelings because he loves me. Poe... I know what you both are going to say but Poe loved me too. And because I was greedy, because I wanted more... I asked for more than what he was willing to give. And I lost him. And it hurt when I lost Poe, it did. Losing Ben... losing Ben would destroy me."

\---

"More."

"Sweetheart, you're in pain-"

"Please. Please. I need to come. Please more."

"Slow. Slow. I have you."

She tries to make his hips move, tries to make him rut into her, but he keeps her arms and wrists pinned and her legs spread so wide by his hips. 

He pulls all the way until just his tip is in her and then drives all back into her in a flash. 

"Fuuuuuck."

His mouth latches to a nipple, already so wet and so swollen from his mouth and she is reduced into a wailing mess.

"Good?"

"So good."

He continues his rhythm, the push and pull of it, until she shatters around him, and only then does he allow himself to tilt her hips and pound her, she comes a second time and she can't shake the feeling that Ben just made love to her. 

\---

"I love you."

She blurts it, sleep hazy in her mind, drugging her lips, opening her mind. 

She jolts awake, his dick still inside her, his cum all over her. This is not how she wanted to say it. 

Ben only looks at her softly, pulling her in close and kissing her. 

"DOn't worry, I feel it too."

He keeps stroking in and out of her until he's hard again, and then he rolls over to lay himself on her, his mouth never leaving his, as he makes love to her, soft, slow. Their orgasms quiet and peaceful. 

He never once tells her the three words back. 


	14. Interlude: Lost Frequencies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE NOTES AT THE END FOR A SUMMARY OF THIS ACT!

**Interlude: Rey Kenobi In His Eyes In The Baby Making Period**

She was a truly, truly bad dancer. 

"Ben come on!"

It was New Year's Eve and his parents threw a party, and they just agreed to start this horrible baby making business.

And he was sure he couldn't go a day without sex with Rey ever again.

"BEN!"

She grabs him to climb up to the tiny bar she perched herself on, pumping her hips to this weird EDM shit neither of them likes and he shakes his head, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her down to his level. 

"You're drunk!"

"You're handsome!"

She presses her open mouth to his, tongue darting into the surprised laugh that spurred from his lips and he can taste all the bad decisions in her. 

"You're not."

She pulls away after a while, a string of saliva connecting them. 

"I'm not what?"

"A bad decision."

How she knows is a mystery to him. 

"You're the best I made in all my life."

He'd only slept with two girls - there was Zorii when he first got shitfaced at a frat party at undergrad, and then Kaydel Connix in med school.. on and off. They never were much... relationships. Then he went to the military and was basically celibate for the many years. 

Rey was... 

Rey was in many ways his first something, his only something. 

How a 30 year old virgin, and a 35 year old good as virgin can have this much great sex is a mystery to him. 

"Come dance with me Ben."

He does, he hold her close, lips on hers, bodies grinding against each other. 

It was the most beautiful dance he ever had.

\---

"Do you... love her?"

"Dad."

"I mean... you were molesting her on the dance floor."

"You saw that?"

"I'm old, I'm not blind. Or an idiot. I am certainly, not deaf."

He raises his eyebrows and Ben blushes. Last night was a blur, but they weren't exactly quiet. 

"Does mom-"

"She was dead drunk by the time I went in the door."

"Yeah... okay. It's just... I don't know dad, it's fucked up."

"How?"

So he tells him. 

About the pact, the agreement, the friendship.

The things that happened with Snoke. 

"I do love her dad, I do. I just... I don't know if I'm able to love her in the way she deserves. And she's in love with Poe."

"Bullshit."

Han was silent through all of it, letting Ben get it out, but this raises his hackles. 

"Dad-"

"You know as well as I do that Rey loves _you._ Don't deny it."

"She murmured it, in her sleep... after... after. But she hasn't not ever said it to me."

Han takes Ben's hands in his, looking him in the eye. 

"Ben, you are a good man, and more than anything you achieved, this Harvard shit, top of your class, surgeon - that means shit to me. You are a good man, and that is why I am proud of you. That is why I love you. And that is why I feel maybe I didn't fail so much at being a dad. Because look at you, everytime I see you I am so proud of the man you made yourself to be. You deserve love. Especially from a woman like this."

"What if... she's just projecting Poe on me."

"Benjamin Bail-"

"What if she knows, and she doesn't love me anymore. What if I shatter the illusion? Dad... I'm not... I love her. I do. I wouldn't have touched her if I didn't."

"I know."

"But she wants romance, a prince, a fucking rom-com. And I'm not... I'm not that guy dad. I don't feel as if my heart's bursting in my chest. I'm not a jealous possessive guy. I just... want her to be happy. Because she's Rey. And she deserves a guy who will love her so fully. To give her that fairytale romance, with the butterflies and the instant connection. To be honest with you I don't know if I need her because I love her..."

Han's eyes darken and grips Ben's hard. 

"Or if you love her because you need her."

"She's everything good in me dad. I can't lose her, not over such a silly thing as love."

"Ben... be sure. Be very sure, this is something only you can know. But what I can tell you is this... love doesn't have to be just one way. Passion, butterflies, all of it fades. What matters is what you choose. When feelings fade, love remains."

\---

"I love you."

She mutters as her eyes blink, asleep, sated. 

He takes a washcloth and wipes her down there, because she hates waking up with the feel of drying cum in her thighs. 

"Ben?"

She blinks sleepily as he gathers her in his arms. 

"Yes, sweetheart."

"I'm glad it's you."

Then she settles against his chest, and her breathing evens out. 

His heart doesn't stutter, not even a little bit and he's angry, so angry, that it's not thumping away inside of him. 

So he pulls Rey closer, and breathes her in. 

"I love you." Because he did, he chose to, everyday. There will be no one else. 

His heart remains steady, quiet. No butterflies in his gut. 

Just... quiet. A certain quiet. 

Ben's never been in love before. And after all he's seen, all he's done, he wonders if he's ever capable. 

But this. This he will fight for. 

"Rey. I will fall in love with you. If it's the last thing I do."

Until then... until then... he can just fake it until he makes it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND FINALLY we end Act I. So all the issues are outlined for them now.   
> Rey has trust issues - because her relationship with Poe mimics what she has with Ben - but they're both so drastically different, like opposite sides of the same coin. Poe and Ben initially started out as her friends, people she can rely on when she had nobody for most of her life and because of that she falls in love with them. With Poe, he broke under the gravitas of his role in her life, the enormity of it for her, how she looked at him and was completely in love with him. And she thinks because she pushed her feelings so hard on him, because she confessed first - she drove him away. So she's careful with Ben. She won't admit to anything, unless he explicitly says it, because she took the leap once and it backfired on her, and it took her a while to get over it. 
> 
> The key thing though is Ben's not Poe. And she loved him not because he fulfilled a certain caretaker role in her life - she was pretty stable when they met. But Ben clicked in with her. She found echoes of herself in him that made them have a friendship on an equal footing - where they both were there for each other. But she doesn't see that. Right now she sees Ben as Poe 2.0. Someone she loves more, completely, fully, whole - in a way her slightly selfish love for Poe was not able to do. But she doesn't see that yet. 
> 
> Ben on the other hand doesn't know what love means. He takes it from Rey who is all passion, and firestorm, butterflies and fast beating hearts. But love comes in Ben in a form of peace. He has so much baggage and issues from Snoke, he spent ten years away from any form of human relation and he was turbulent and violent and there are things in his past he doesn't want to discuss. And Rey is the one who quieted all that with her love. Ben doesn't know that simply choosing her, being better for her, and being there for her and standing up for her means he loves her. He thinks he can't love anyone or anything - which is a serious attachment issue most people with PTSD experience. 
> 
> So they have issues they need to work on - and now in addition - baby's about to arrive. So they also have to work those issues out before baby gets here.


	15. Jealousy, Turning Saints Into The Sea

**The Present - 20 Weeks**

"Are your eyes closed."

"Yes."

"Ben, I'm serious don't peek."

"I'm not!"

"Wait you're baby's really moving, but Auntie Rose is faster and - _ah-ha!_ Okay both of you look!"

Rose froze the image on the sonogram, and he blinks his eyes open, eager to see. 

The last time he saw an Ultrasound of a fetus was in medical school years back, so it takes him a second. 

Rey, who also only had eyes for surgery in medical school squints at her own ultrasound. 

Rose rolls her eyes and throws her hands to high heaven. 

"You need me to guide you? This is the femur."

Rose points to the hyperechoic structure and yes, yes, he can see it, and axial section through the baby's ass, and there's the limbs and then... there. A small, tiny outpouching of mixed density tissue, in between the baby's legs. 

"Boy. It's a boy."

Rey's hands were already gripping him, tears in her eyes. 

"Oh God, sorry, I cry at everything. I eat really terrible food too. Ben. I told you. I told you, it's a boy."

"Err... actually, remember at your dating scan?"

"Yes?"

"I might have... missed a certain something because we dated you at 8 weeks... instead of 12. And by then the two were still quite fused, and it's hard to distinguish the clusters from a sonogram and their heartbeats are hard to tell apart too."

"Rose."

She moves the probe to the other side of Rey's belly. 

"Congratulations! She's a girl!"

Ben's jaw drops as another fetus takes place on the sonogram, smaller than his son, and missing the small outpouching from between her legs. 

Two. 

There were two.

Rey's nails clutched at his hands. 

"Oh my god."

"Rey-"

"Twins."

"That's why you're so big! Fundal height is at 24 weeks." 

Rey looks to Rose, eyes still wide, staring down at her large bump. "Rose Tico. Do you mean to tell me, I have 2 children in me."

"Yes! Congratulations!"

"Two children, fathered by _Benjamin Solo_ , a 6 foot 4 big man?"

Rose smile drops and she looks at Rey, and then at Ben, and gulps. 

"Yes?"

Rey's eyes narrow into slits and she turns to Ben, who held both his hands up as if she pointed a gun at him. 

"Rey, sweetheart-"

"You... You did this."

"I- ah- thank you?"

Rey lets out a curdled scream before whacking Ben on the shoulder. 

"Ow, ow, Rey-"

"Oh that hurts? Really? You and your damned Skywalker genes! Imagine then how much it would hurt when you're pushing two giant babies out of your _vagina!_ "

"Rey!"

He swallows his laugh because really twins was a surprise. And he shouldn't really annoy the mother of his children. 

Wow, something in his gut tightens at the thought. His children. 

He grabs her fists in his hands then clunks his forehead painfully against hers. 

"Rey...."

Then he smiles, and Rey's breath stalls because it's her favorite smile, her smile, the wrinkly eye, dimply cheek, toothy smile that Ben only smiles when he's truly, truly happy. She's only ever saw it a few times - most of them after he lies on top of her, sated. 

"Twins."

"Our babies."

And then she grins back, and they're laughing because holy shit they had one whole baby they didn't plan for and it made their already full hearts fit to burst. 

\---

"You thought this into existence." Rey bumps her hip against his, as he walks arms around her, cradling the bump. 

"Why me?" 

"You wanted a girl."

"Hey what if she was there first?"

She laughs and shakes her head. 

"She's smaller, so medically we know she formed after big brother."

"Yeah well... my mom was younger than my uncle too, and look at who's more formidable."

"Me, who is technically your boss, mentor and favorite uncle?"

They stopped and turned to find Luke, in his simple shirt and tie, covered by his long whitecoat behind them, a cup of coffee in his hands. 

"Luke! We're having twins!"

Rey shrieked and she was already pulling out the sonogram handing one of their son and one of their daughter to Luke.

"I know, the whole floor was abuzz. Everyone's making bets on the weight, date and who will pop out first."

Rey's eyes narrowed and Ben laughs. 

"And how much, would you have riding on this bet my dear favorite Uncle - don't tell Chewie I said that." Luke claps Ben on his shoulder and motions to go forward. 

"I won't speak of it to the universe or it won't happen. Gotta run kids, unlike you, this old man has rounds to get to. Get off your feet Rey, your mother would kill me if you over-exert. See you kids at dinner."

\---

"Dr. Kenobi-Solo."

"It's a lot"

"Do you think I should just..."

Phasma turns to look at her, eyes comically wide. 

"No way. You are not changing your name Rey. You're a brain surgeon, it's against the rules of feminism!"

She laughs and kicks at Phasma, who was massaging her aching feet as they lounged in Rose's living room celebrating Armie's birthday.

Ben was roped into a pretty intensive round of beer pong, as apparently he was beer pong champion in his days as a Harvard undergrad.

"I don't know Phas, it just feels right. Kenobi was a name given to me by the state, as a foster kid. It wasn't... you know... wasn't really mine. But Ben Solo? He's... he's my family. I think... I wouldn't mind. Being Dr. Solo."

"Oh my god, who are you and what have you done with women are just as powerful as men let me show you by kicking you in the balls dickwad Rey Kenobi? Is this because there's two of them in there? Did Solo dick you down too much?"

"PHAS!"

She chuckles and rises and pulls her feet away from Phasma. 

"What if I told you he did. You've seen Ben in trunks right?"

Phasma squirms before rising up. "No. No pregnant lady, you are not dragging me into this. I'm going to go before I catch your pheromones and start wanting one of my own."

She rises, but she turns and hugs Rey. 

"I am so so excited to be Auntie Phas to these kids. Congratulations."

Then she scurries away before she catches the pregnancy fever.

"Twins, huh."

She opens her eyes as Poe takes Phasma's seat, on the other end of the L-shaped couch and she sighs wearily. 

"Poe..."

"I'm not going to say anything. I just want to see how you were doing."

There was defeat in his posture, and she sighs. They were friends once. She's... moved on? Right. She was pregnant with twins and she had Ben. So... it's okay, right?

"Do you want to see?"

He shrugs, like it's whatever, and he doesn't really care, but she knows him, which surprises her, still knows him enough to know he was excited for it. 

She pulls out the sonogram images on her phone, and shows it to him, and Poe siddles closer. 

"This one here, is our baby boy." Poe looks at him, at the side profile, then grins wickedly. "I think he has your nose."

She rolls her eyes and shows him the other one. "And this is baby girl. She's posterior and inferior to her brother, so... she was hard to find at first, all squished against him, but Rose tells me, he's curled so far forwards, trying to give her space."

He smiles, softly, eyes fixed on her baby, as he traces a finger around her face. "I hope she looks like you."

And in that moment, she was twenty-four again, in a cold house in the middle of nowhere, sitting on a rocking chair, her socked feet against his bare ones, talking about anything and everything, and the memory jolts her and sends her heart beating. 

She bites her lips, and her eyes dart out to the lawn, where Ben was chugging from a red cup. She grins, and turns back to Poe.

"Poe... can I tell you a secret?"

Maybe it was because she didn't want Ben to feel scared or blame himself. 

Maybe because for three years of her life, prior to meeting Ben, Poe was her first phone call whenever something went wrong. 

And maybe because for the first time in years, she actually feels like she has her old friend Poe back. 

"I... Ben's a really big guy. Rose said... the babies, if they're big, and they get placental insufficiency, they might have to come out early."

"They're monochorionic?"

She nods and rubs absently at her belly. 

"The placenta might not hold to support them both, she's suggesting we think about a cesarian at 36 weeks, but... I'm already a month too big for what they should be."

Without warning Poe's hands press on both sides of her belly. 

"Hey don't-"

"You'll make it right? Both of you. You'll make it for your mom."

And then she feels it, a tiny flutter, under where her daughter should be. Her eyes widen and she gasps. "Oh my god, did you feel that?"

"What?"

"That!"

She places her hand on top of his, eyes watering, "she's kicking."

Poe's eyes widen and looks down at where her hand was underneath his. 

"I don't feel it."

"She's never done this before."

They stay silent, hands still over where her daughter was fluttering away. 

"Is she still doing it?"

"Yeah-"

"Doing what?"

Ben's deep voice comes from beside her looming over her and Poe on the couch. 

There was... his face was blank, she couldn't read it. And she furrows her brows but she feels their daughter kick, a little more stronger this time, and she gasps.

"She's kicking! Ben! Can you feel that?"

Poe shakes his head, pressing his hand harder. "Maybe if I press- hey!"

But Ben pushes him away roughly, his ass falling off the couch and onto the floor. 

Rey gasps in shock and Poe sputters. 

"Solo- what the-"

"Don't touch my fiancee."

Rey's heart stalls, she's never seen Ben angry before. And the stiffness in his shoulders, the rigid set of his jaw... she can see it now. 

"Ben..."

She rises, hand still on their daughter, and she slips her hands into his. 

He looks at her scornfully before dragging her away from Poe. 

"Hey, Ben! You can't leave at the last... round... uh... everything... okay?"

Armitage surveys the scene, Ben looking murderous, Rey befuddled and Poe splayed on the floor. 

"Happy birthday Hux, we're leaving."

"Oh, already but there's cake and- oh..."

Rose stands still from the kitchen her apron around her as Ben drags Rey to the door, not bothering to say anything else. 

"Uhh.. sorry, guys, it was fun, Ben, slow down!"

He pulled at her, walking fast down the block to his car and Rey was tugging her arm. 

"Ben.. BEN! Slow down, you're hurting-ooof"

He says nothing, simply tugs her into his arms and picks her up in a bridal carry. 

"Ben, what is the matter with you!"

He looks down at her, his brown eyes, stormy pools of black before he looks forward again, and ceremoniously unlocks his car, dumps her inside and straps her in.

He was at the driver's seat in ten seconds flat where he grips the wheel and leans his head back against the headrest.

"Ben... you're scaring me."

She unlocks her seat belt and leans forward, cupping Ben's cheek and forcing him to look at her. 

"What happened?"

"They're my children."

She blinks at the sudden harshness of his voice. 

"What-"

"They're my kids. Mine. I'm their dad."

She furrows her eyes and pulls back, confusion etched on her features. 

"Of course you are, what the hell is going on?"

"You let him touch _my_ children."

"Okay, first of all - _our_ kids-"

"I haven't even felt them kick yet and I see you snuggled up with Dameron and he's fucking feeling _my daughter_ -"

" _Our daughter_! And he wasn't feeling, you can't feel yet, it's the first time she's moved!"

"And that makes it better? Why the fuck even was Dameron there-"

"He just wanted to see how I was, ask about the twins! About me-"

"Why the fuck does he care, so suddenly-"

"I don't know Ben!"

She screams and he pulls back at the sudden raise in her tone. 

"Sorry. I'm sorry.. why are we... Ben."

She huffs in frustration and makes an executive decision of climbing into Ben's lap from her chair and taking his hand and pressing it down on where their daughter was supposed to be. 

His hands were larger than Poe's. Warmer. These were the hands of her home. 

"See, she's kind of kicking me, but you can't feel it yet. Poe asked to see the sonogram, and... I told him.... I was worried, about what Rose said... and he sort of like touched the belly, like most people do with pregnant women and just said they should hold on, and she started moving and I got excited and... I didn't think too much. Of course you're their dad. You will always be their dad. You're my family Ben."

His hand clenches under hers and for a second and he breathes out slowly. 

"I don't want... Rey, I... I'm sorry."

He tucks his chin on her shoulders and adjusts his seat, so Rey has more room to curl in on his lap. 

"It's okay."

"I just... don't want to miss out on anything. I'm scared... I know... this isn't... and you and Poe... I don't want to miss out on their lives."

"You won't."

She understands because she knows him. 

"Ben. I... I know what I said, before... we started all of this. But... I really, I don't... I really am, not in love with Poe anymore. I... still miss him, and the friend he was, we had... have... will always have a lot of shared experiences. He was such a big part of my life and... I would want to repair my friendship with him, I really would. And I hope you're okay with that. Because Poe may be my friend but you're my family. You know that right?"

"He has feelings for you."

"Ben-"

"Don't deny it."

"Okay... okay yes. But... it's too late, I... I really don't feel that way for him anymore. We're getting married, we're having kids. You're... you're it for me Ben. I told you I was in this forever and I am. I'm not... going to change my mind."

She lifts her hand from her stomach and shifts in his lap to face him. 

She traces his face with her hands and snuggles her nose against his before pressing her mouth to his. 

She kisses him soft, slow, like they have a million more kisses after this, then her tongue darts out to lick at his own, and he sighs, melting into her, one hand on their child and the other wrapped tight around her. 

She breaks away and looks him in the eye. 

"You're it for me Ben. No one else."

He nods. He nods and she smiles and settles into her own seat and takes his hand and he drives. 

But there is still that burning pit in his stomach, that tells him, he can lose her if he doesn't do anything. 

And so... so... he makes up his mind. 

\---

He was gentle, so gentle, even if he did tear her dress, and threw her panties into who knows where the minute they entered the door. 

Then proceeded to lick her dry. 

And now he was in her, her legs wound tight around him, his arms almost choking the air out of her. 

When he comes, he pulls back and mashes his lips on to her. 

"Rey."

"Yeah?"

She was sated, her body still tingling, and she plastered herself on to Ben. 

"Look at me for a second."

He pulls her back, and he was beautiful like this, sweaty from her, from their love, muscles all tense and warm and rippling under her hands. 

She smiles at him, reaching up to play with his hair. 

"My Ben."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"No, Rey."

He takes her hand and places it over his heart.

"I really love you. I'm in love with you. I think I have been for a long while. And... I think you have been too."

Her heart stutters, and stalls, and beats and beats and beats until she feels that it's exploding inside of her. 

"Ben-"

"I think... from the minute I saw you I loved you. I just... didn't... I love you, Rey. I really, really love you. Do you?"

She blinks. Once, twice, and then joy. Joy fills her, bursts through her fingertips... and into her lips as she leans forward and grabs him tight in a hug. 

"Oh Ben, I love you too."

She was too happy to notice that flattening of Ben's lips, the panic in his eyes. The way his hands clenched at her back, the way he closes his eyes and holds her tight.

Ben Solo has never lied to her ever in her life. 

This was the first time he ever did.

\---


	16. I Never Wanted to Love You, But That's Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I re-read through the work and I realize I never explored how Rey's emotions for Ben grew... this is that chapter.

**The Present**

He loves her. 

Her lips curve into a smile, tracing the soft hair on Ben's head, as his face was planted against her chest, his happy snore, the wet pooling against her tit, and the very heavy weigh of both his arm and leg around her indicated his happy slumber.

She buries her nose in his hair, grinning to herself again. 

He loves her. 

Truth be told, when she knew she was in love with her best friend Ben as opposed to just loving him because he's Ben was a slow gradual process that involved... years. 

She met him when she was still, very much, hung up on Poe. 

But who was it that said? You know it's over when you're in love with the memories, and not the person you are faced with. 

She can't tell for sure when she knew she loved Ben, just knew that slowly, he mended the hole Poe left behind in her heart.

Slowly made her smile for real. 

Slowly... made her imagine life with him. 

He groans when her hand caresses down his nape, burrowing further into her, turning his cheek so he was effectively nuzzled against her boobs. 

She stops, wanting to let him sleep, but then he moves again. And again. 

And then she swats him on the shoulder and giggles. 

"Ben!"

The snores stop, and the mouth on her left tit curves into a grin. 

"Who's Ben, I'm still asleep."

She tugs at his hair, wanting to pull him away but he grips tighter.

"No. Sleeping."

He murmus that against a breast and her giggles turn into a moan when he lazily sucks at her. 

Then he pulls back and raises his eyes to meet hers. 

"Good morning sweetheart."

"I love you."

He smiles at her, ducking down from her, and pressing a kiss to her heart. He pauses for a while before he breathes out. 

"Love you."

\---

**Four Years Ago**

"What do you mean my lease is void? I signed for- no, no, I signed for last month- you had people use it as an AirBNB! Fine, fine, whatever."

She walked in to her apartment as Ben threw his phone against the wall, cracking the screen before muttering a series of fucks. 

"Lease fell through?"

"Fucking landlord trying to bleed me."

"Look, Ben... you can stay with me."

"What?"

"You've been here a month, you're clean, we go to work so I can save on gas money when we carpool. Besides. I like you well enough, and... I don't know. It's not lonely. When you're around."

She shrugs and puts her keys on the bowl because Ben gets pissed at her when she leaves them lying around everywhere. 

She also makes sure to hang her coat, and put her shoes on the rack. 

Ben didn't like outside shoes inside the house. 

"I... Are you sure?"

"Ben. I like having you here."

He smiles and nods. "To be honest, I like being here too."

\---

"There's a new series on... supposedly good..."

"Or we can watch Friends."

"Honestly I'm fine with-"

"Rey. I know you want Friends."

She did, oh God she did. 

She grins as she sets it up on her computer, attaches the tiny HDMI from the TV and settles in on her side of the couch for her pizza slize and her chocolate milk. 

She had her hair in a hairband and pajamas on, and she never felt more comfortable. 

With a sigh she scoots over to Ben's side and lays her head on his shoulder. 

He says nothing, simply raises his arm up so she can snuggle against him. 

She smiles for the rest of the night.

\---

"Hey Ben, can I just get my toothbrush?

She knocks on the door as she hears his hairdryer turn on. 

He opens the door and motions her in, and her eyes widen because there, in their bathroom was Ben Solo, in nothing but black boxers, shirtless. His back was to her, shapely and muscular and his arms flex as he runs the dryer across his head, and his abdomen was tones, and his nipples, pretty and pink, and she was standing there, stunned, in her pajamas with the bunnies on them and he quirks an eyebrow at her. 

She squeaks and goes to get her stuff, but Ben stops her "Just brush your teeth here."

And so she does, stealing glances at him from their mirror.

Ben never walks with a shirt when he showers. 

He also doesn't wear a shirt while fixing his hair in front of her on the mirror. 

And so began their daily ritual.

\---

"I can't believe they're cutting my funding!"

She cuts half her burger and slides it on to Ben's plate beside her while still ranting about her funding. 

Ben transfers half his pasta to hers, making sure to pick out all the olives. 

There's a shared bread bowl in between them after they debated what they wanted to get. 

"I mean... okay my results are worse off but it's a brain tumor what did they expect-"

She plops ketchup on her pants and Ben hands her a napkin. 

"Rey, it's gonna be fine, you're done with most of it anyway. Write a paper, get published, apply for a better grant."

"It's not that easy Ben."

She leans to him and hands him his utensils, wiped down with tissue just the way he wanted it. 

"Look you can whine about it or do something about it."

"I just want to whine, shut up this is my lunch with Phas."

"I'm just saying... whatever. Let's get froyo later, that always cheers you up."

Phasma watches them in delight. 

\---

"Hey you want breakfast?"

"Nah, I'll go to the gym first."

"Will you pick up lunch when you finish?"

"Sure what do you want?"

"A Gyro?"

"Rey..."

"I know it's all across town."

"I can meet you there, no point of me going this way and that for a fucking gyro."

"Ugh fine you whiney baby. I'll drive down, I'll probably spend the day reading, was planning to do it here, but I guess I can go to Strawberry Fields."

"Sure. See you later."

"Have fun, love you!"

She says it as an afterthought as she was frying bacon, and wondering if she should make a grilled cheese loaded with butter to go with her bacon and eggs. 

Ben stood frozen at the door. 

She turns to see him gawping at her and her brain clicks. 

"Oh, God Ben, it's... I had a foster mom, she used to... I didn't mean... It's not like that Ben."

And it wasn't. Not at that point. She meant it as I love you, you're my family. 

And Ben gets it. He loves her too. So he nods and waves, and if he spends an extra amount of time, punching a bag in the gym, well that's just because he has extra energy to spend. 

\---

"What do you want?"

"Meat. I want meat."

"Well it doesn't seem like there's a lot of meat... unless you want to get a pizza then put prosciutto on top."

"Sure, whatever."

"Okay you want the plain one..."

"Whichever."

So she turns to Leia to say what kind of pizza they both want and while she was perusing the drink list Ben leans over to her, and points. "This is a good beer."

"Really, you tried it?"

"For you. I like IPAs, I know you like the more fruity ones."

"Hmm... well I'm driving so if you want to get one..."

"Holy shit look at that amount of food."

"Ben, shh! Don't point."

"You think they'll finish that on their own?"

She stares at the couple Ben was pointing at and she sighs. Before caving in. If she was going to hell might as well enjoy it. 

"Well judging from their BMI's..."

He gave a hearty laugh and across from them Luke splutters. 

"What did I just hear?"

She laughs and points to Ben. 

"He started it!"

\---

**Three Years Ago**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY REY!"

"DISNEYLAND?"

"Yeah, you and me, and the mouse."

She jumps into Ben's arms and looks at the VIP pass at the Disney World. 

"Ben, this costs... our month's salary."

"Well if you're the senator's son..."

"You didn't."

"I'm apparently a security risk."

"Benjamin Bail!"

"It's gonna be fun, no lines, secret passages, a private tour guide..."

"No. No. I want a normal day, with hats, and you and me, and lines and... you've never been to a normal Disney world experience haven't you?"

He shuffles his feet. 

"Return this to your mom, we're doing this my way."

\---

He was sweaty in the end, stomach filled with all forms of simple carbohydrates that will add up to his coronary artery disease and diabetes risk. But Rey, in her pointy mickey ears, smiling up at him as the fireworks exploded, his feet hurting from a day of being a normal person, albeit hiding under a cap, and sun glasses was worth it. 

"I love you."

He murmurs to her, as she sings along to Part Of Your World from the Fireworks medley and she turns up and grins at him. "I love you."

It's home to them, having someone, having... a friend for the end of the world. 

So he wraps her in his arms, and he doesn't let go. 

They were on Page Six the next day but that was alright. They can call Rey whatever they want. It's not like she's going anywhere.

\---

**Two Years Ago**

"We're going home."

"No, I can stay here, sleep it off."

"Benjamin Bail-"

"Yes, mom."

She swats him and narrows her eyes. She told him not to go to work. Not when his wisdom tooth got taken out and he resembled a chipmunk. 

"If you don't come with me I am calling your mom."

"It's a tooth Rey!"

"That got infected and you have a fever and you should go home."

"I have the grant... it's not like I'm operating."

"I am taking you home and that is final or you're going to have your mother's security take you from here, make your choice Benjamin."

He pouts at her, he was always a petulant little boy when he feels poorly. 

"Fine."

She kisses his cheek and ruffles his hair. "Good. Get your shit."

She hears the snickers of his colleagues around them as she waits for him to pack his things. 

"What?"

"Didn't know you had Solo by the balls Kenobi."

She rolls her eyes. Orthopods. Vile cretins. 

"Jealous Mitaka? Life must be so hard when you have no balls."

Mitaka guffaws at her joke and fist bumps her. "No wonder Solo likes you so much."

He pats Ben on the back before making his way out of the room. 

"Ugh... I left my scrubs in the OR change room. I'm out of credits. Just... let me get it."

"You want me to do it?"

"Nah, it's just next door, wait here, and can you help me empty out my locker? I think I have a rotting apple there."

"Ben-"

"Thanks sweetheart!"

She grumbles because she knows she was just being used to clean up his locker. 

"So when were you ever Sally Domestic?"

She whips around, not noticing Poe, back against the lockers, hidden behind a tall book case. 

"Hey, I helped you when we were at Chandrilla."

"Yeah but you had feelings for me."

She drops the aforementioned rotting apple and turns to face Poe. "I DIDN'T! I was over you then. I was just being a friend!"

Poe scoffs and rises to approach her. "Don't lie to yourself."

"I'm not-"

"Do you like him?"

She stalls, Ben was her best friend, more than Poe ever was. He was her constant... she couldn't imagine life without him. But... so was Poe, once upon a time. Shit. 

"He's my best friend of course-"

"I was your best friend once, don't you remember Rey? You promised... whatever happens, whatever I do, you won't be mad at me. I'm your best friend. No matter what you said."

"What is the matter with you?"

"You left and brought back replacement Poe. That's what."

She shoves him, then slaps him straight across the face. 

"Fuck you!"

He grins, and rubs at his jaw. 

"Don't compare Ben to you! You're nothing like him!"

"Just don't get hurt, Rey."

He says and walks out of the locker room.

\---

There was dread in her heart, at the thought that he might leave. 

It was a notice, from the Marine Corps, and she held it in her hands while waiting for him to get home. 

There were dark things there, she knows. Things Ben doesn't really ever talk about. 

She fiddles with her hands, and wonders. 

If this was a summons... what would she do. 

What would she do with life without Ben?

Without him to be there?

She fears, and she dreads, and she's been on this same boat before. 

Once. 

When she was nearing the end of eight weeks without the assurance that she would see Poe Dameron ever again as a friend. 

She just might be in love with Benjamin Solo. 

And she was so fucked.

\---

**One Year Ago**

Sometimes, she thinks Ben gets jealous whenever Poe is near. 

"It's a good program, and you and I have always done this back in med school."

Ben's jaw clenches as Poe looks to her, and refers to their murky past. 

"It's good, but... they're still med students. I still think General Surgeons are better suited to take them for Call To See Patients..."

"It's good revision for us too, besides we're the only alumni surgeons involved with the club from before. We served as president. It would be good-"

"I mean... Ben can help. He's more general than we both are because he sees trauma. They might actually benefit from acute care CTSP..."

"No."

Poe's tone was sharp and Ben inched an eyebrow up. 

"It's us they offered this to Rey." 

There's a thrill that goes through her when Ben bares his teeth. 

"Dameron, she already said no."

Ben grabs her hand and drags her away. 

She couldn't help the smile on her face. 

\---

"Ben Solo, it's been forever!"

Her name was Kaydel, and she was a cute little blonde who looked at Ben like she knew what he looked like naked. 

"Kay? What are you doing here?"

She was a visiting trauma surgeon from the VA, and she had a patient. 

"I didn't know you were in New York."

"Not for long, I still get deployed. I miss you... I mean, we miss you around the base."

She touches Ben's arm a tad too long and Rey hisses where she stood. 

She turns away and marches to The Falcon. It was empty on a Tuesday evening of course, and she was sloshed on tequila when Babu calls on Ben to get her. 

It didn't matter she thinks. 

She liked Poe. 

Didn't she say that?

She will only love Poe. She can't ever love anyone again. 

She was just attracted to Ben because he was so hot. 

And perfect.

And loves her. 

And knows her.

And she cries and she's so fucked. 

And Kaydel is here and Ben might leave her. 

Except... Ben won't leave her if he knocks her up. And they have a baby. And then he won't need to be with Kaydel because he can fuck her instead.

When he arrives after Babu calls him, she has a plan in motion. 

All he had to do was say yes. 


	17. If You're Lost, You Can Look, And You Will Find Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fractures - When Things Take A Turn For The Worse

**The Present**

"I think purple would be cool?"

"Or yellow. At least it's brighter?"

"Yellow walls, lavender accents? Are you still painting a mural? Modern Family style?"

Ben chuckles as he dumps the paints into the cart and nods his head. 

"I'm more of a calligrapher really. But... it would be nice to make something for the babies. Some cartoon thing with a nice quote underneath it."

Her heart melts again, at this tall, gentle, understanding man that wanted to do this for their children. 

"Rey?"

"Sorry what?"

He grins at her, cocking his eyebrow. He was in a gray shirt, and yoga pants, and his hair was really getting really long, he really needs to cut it. 

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Staring at me."

She laughs and turns away from him to peruse shelving options. 

"It's okay. I like it when you stare at me." 

He takes her hand, and twines his fingers with hers. 

There's something there... something unheavy and unbalanced in him. She squeezes his hand and he turns to her. 

"You can tell me. Whatever it is."

He looks at her, eyes stormy, and heavy and he opens his mouth before he shakes his head. 

"No. It's nothing."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

He keeps a tight grip on her as they walk around the store, the banter there, playful as ever, but his guilt was weighing him down. 

\---

"So... you told her you love her."

"Yes."

"And?"

"Dad."

Han rolls his eyes and throws back his drink. 

"Ben. You do love her. Wake the fuck up."

"It's a lie."

"How is it a motherfucking lie? I swear Ben, if this is some jacked shit thinking you don't deserve to be happy or whatever the fuck you think it is, I'm not buying it. Snoke, The First Order, your grandfather, all of that is behind you. Behind you Ben."

"But it isn't!" Ben hisses. He thinks of the nightmares, the voices. He thinks of nights he has to hold her close just to feel something other than... _him_. His rage. His... darkness. 

He thinks of his selfish need for her. 

"Okay. Okay. Say you don't have feelings for her. Say it's true you don't love her, whatever your definition is. What does it matter? You're getting married. And you say you love her but in a friendly, familial way, what difference does this make? Frankly Ben I don't see it as an issue."

"It's like... she gives so much. Because she loves me. She puts me first. Everything else... she can forsake. For me. And I... I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I have to give it all back. And I feel like I'm failing. The... she... there's this expectation of me now, to be her prince charming, and if I was in love with her, I would... gladly play the part. But now, I just... I'm drowning. I love her, I don't want to lose her. But I'm drowning."

Han looks at him and sighs, his shoulders slumping forward. 

"Shit kid." 

"I know."

"You have to tell her."

"She won't take it well."

"If you feel this way, you shouldn't keep her. She deserves someone who doesn't feel like her love is a burden."

The thought of her, in the arms of another, his son, his daughter knowing another family. The though of Rey, _his Rey_ , not being there for him anymore, makes every fiber of his body sing in anger. 

"But I can't lose her. So I have no choice. I'll fall, dad. I'll fall."

\---

The first fractures come in when she was 23 weeks pregnant. 

"Rey, it's a really great opportunity."

"We're getting married in June. I don't think I have time to plan the wedding and then do this."

"It's only for a month. It's novel technology and you've always been interested in it."

"It's in Jakku though."

"It will be good. You'll get to see your old home again."

She rubs at her belly, thinking. Thinking. 

"Luke, I'm sorry... but I'd rather be here, with my family. Ben and I just started... and to take a job that would require me to be gone for a month every so often..."

He listens to her list the reasons why she shouldn't go. All of it revolving him. All of it. 

He feels his throat tighten. Han looks at him stricken. 

\---

"I think you should go." 

"To where?"

"That research fellow spot in Jakku."

"I'm twenty three weeks pregnant with the belly of a twenty eight week momma carrying the world's largest baby. I know it's sitting in a lab and crunching data but..."

"You can work remotely from here and only fly out here and there."

"But I'd rather be here with you."

"Rey, we're always together."

She stops. Stills. And turns. 

"What?"

"You and me, we just... we're always together. When's the last time you hung out with Rose? Or Phas?"

"I'm in bed rest-"

"But you come with me when I go to the hospital."

"What are you saying?"

He takes her shoulders and rubs there, eyes looking down into hers. 

"I just think... we spend a little too much time together. Maybe... you shouldn't have to change your entire life for me. You should do your own thing. We don't have to be together all the time."

Tears cloud her eyes and she pushes him away. 

"I... I didn't know you felt this way... I thought you liked being with me?"

He panics, he wants to slap himself. He hurt her. He _hurt_ her. The best thing in his life. 

He can't hurt her. Because if he does he'll lose her. 

"I do. I do. You're the best part of my day."

He tugs her forward and holds her close. His Rey. His. 

"I just don't want you to miss out on things because of me."

"I like being with you. All the time. I... I don't care about those things Ben. I only want to be with you."

He feels a kick, against his belly. And they both jump. 

"Did you... did you feel that?"

Another kick from a different place, and he's grinning and kneeling in front of her bump. 

"Hi. Hi babies."

"Oh my God, Ben."

He wraps his hands around her swollen middle and presses his lips there. 

"I love you." He whispers. 

Then he looks up at Rey. 

"I love you."

Because he does. He does. He just wishes that just because he does he's so burdened. 

"Ben, if you want space from me, it's fine. Just tell me. Tell me if it's too much."

"It's not too much. Never."

He presses his cheeks to her belly. This was his family now. His. To love, to protect. He can carry it. He can shoulder it. 

He would lift the entire galaxy if it meant deserving her love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND we enter angst-ville.   
> Is there love? Yes.   
> It's undeniable Rey and Ben love each other. In a way that is good and pure.   
> But as we've seen in the past few chapters, their fluff which I loved writing, speaks of a strong friendship that has been so good to them in the past.   
> Now they enter new territory - love. And it's really hard to love someone when you've been friends for so long, the dynamic just switches. Your flirty playful banters start to get old. You get to be more comfortable with each other and your issues arise.   
> Especially for Ben who thinks his love for her is not in the way Rey loves him - so his need to reciprocate, to not be seen as someone using her, burdens him a lot. Which I think is a common issue - too much love will kill you.   
> Rey on the other hand is so open with her love, she has an endless amount of it, so passionate with it, that now, because she trusts that Ben feels the same, she opens the floodgates with which she tried to temper her love before. It's a subtle change in their dynamic, but it's repercussions are extensive, and I have to warn you we'll have more angst coming!


	18. What If We Stop Having A Ball?

**The Present**

"Your mom will say that your sister is a feminist, and she can take care of herself. And I agree, but that doesn't mean we won't interrogate her boyfriend, just to make sure you see. She will be our little girl after all."

There was a resounding kick from where his daughter lies and he grins, lips curving up into a smile, against her belly button, his warm hand rubbing at her. 

"Good morning to you too, baby. Eavesdropping with my conversation with your brother?"

"And why, pray tell me Ben, are you having a conversation with my belly at 7:00 in the morning?"

Ben swiftly turns to her and smiles at her, leaning up to capture her lips in his and pull her close. 

"Good morning sweetheart."

His son kicks again and he grins, rubbing the spot where he was. 

"Your son kicked me awake."

But he yawns and there were bags under his eyes, and there was a shadow there too. Sometimes he looks at her and he won't meet her eyes. 

She worries and she moves into him, tucking her head on his chest. "What's wrong?" 

It's the fifth time she's asked this week. 

He holds her tighter, a little bit tighter this morning and she feels the familiar flutter of worry in her belly. 

"Ben. You haven't been sleeping. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Just hold me, please?"

He pulls back from her, and rests his head on her chest. And her worry triples three fold. 

"Ben-"

"Just keep holding me okay? Never let me go."

He burrows against her, his hand resting over their kids, and she feels his lashes flutter against his collarbone. 

"Never. _Never._ I'll be here. Until the end."

He nods, sleepily and falls hastily back 

\---

"I thought about what you said."

"About what?: He asks stuffing his face with the chocolate peanut butter. Holy shit that was good. 

"The research position. You're right, it's a novel approach to glioblastomas. It's going to be groundbreaking."

"Rey that's amazing!"

She moans at the taste of the lavender- Earl Grey and ducks her head. 

"I realize I've been hanging on to you too much. It was easy in the first weeks, just you and me. But, the babies are fine, my Hyperemesis settled. But I won't be operating much, Rose said exertion can retrigger my symptoms, so I'll mostly be in the lab, but it might be good, give me an excuse to churn out my papers."

"You'll make it to Diplomate soon enough sweetheart."

He grabs her hand and squeezes it firmly and she grins back. 

"It just sucks that I'll be seeing a lot of Poe Dameron too."

Her mouth curves down into a snarl. And his heart stutters in his chest. 

"Why?" He tries to sound nonchalant, and she's too preoccupied in Poe motherfucking Dameron to notice otherwise. 

"He signed up for it. He's apparently going to specialize in Spine surgery."

Spine? But Dameron was the sports guy. He liked knees and hips. 

"But he's been in Sports for so long."

"Yeah, well, he changed, Focusing on spinal tumors."

Because that brings him closer to Rey. 

His vision blackens at the edges. He remembers what he said. Tell her. Before you end up drinking in a bar with the father of her children. 

Well. If Dameron wanted to reverse the cards on him he had another thing coming. 

"Yeah, so anyway..." She continues and he blinks back to her conversation. 

"It sucks that I won't spend as much time with you."

He sighs, and tries to smile at her. Tries to ignore the burning desire to kill Poe where he stood. 

"I know sweetheart. But I meant what I said, I do love spending time with you. I just didn't want you to throw away your career. Because I'll always be here. I won't leave you."

"I know that. I also need you to know Ben, I don't... I never meant... I don't want to feel like your burden. I love you. It's out in the open now."

"I love you too."

The reply was quick, instant, and it breaks her heart a little. 

"You don't have to pretend. Not for me. I love you, I couldn't help it. When you told me you loved me, I was happy. I was so happy."

She smiled at him, but there was a dim there in her eyes. A speck of sadness. "But I realized these past five days you aren't. And I know having someone love you, and you not love them is burdensome. I know it's been on your mind. I haven't been subtle. I keep slipping after sex. That's why you confessed to me."

He remembers the sick burn of anger when he saw Poe Dameron with his hands on her, their children. He remembers the white hot flash of fear at the notion that if she so desired, she can go with Poe, and leave him and take their children. Because Poe Dameron was finally in love with her. And isn't that what she wanted all along? 

But he doesn't know how quite to tell her that. 

Doesn't want to even broach the possibility that Poe returns her feelings, and may in possibility, always have returned it. 

So he only nods, and plays with the cake in his tasting plate. 

"I suspected you did. You don't hide your emotions well sweetheart."

She grins, and takes his fork from him, replacing it with a wet wipe she always kept in her purse before fully turning to him. 

"I appreciate that Ben. And I should be angry with you for pretending with me. But I can't really blame you. You always look out for me."

She remembers an incident involving a basketball game, and her really weak ankle, and Ben's frantic pale face as she fell. Her in pain and Ben don't really go well together.

So she puts on her big girl pants. Because she loves him. God she does. It's enough for her to have him. Enough for her to just have him let her love him. And... the kids, the wedding, he won't leave. He can't. 

"But I want you to know it's not your burden. I love you. And I didn't want to tell you because then it would have been nameless. But now I feel like I've burdened you. I don't want you to feel burdened. I just want you here with me. Because Ben, more than my love for you, you're my person. And that one will never change."

She shrugs as the familiar pain lances through her chest. She can live with it. She can live with a onesided love. As long as she has Ben.

"I fell in love with you. i couldn't help it. I didn't want to help it. But I understand if you can't. If you don't. You're here, you won't leave. You don't have to pretend. It can be like it was before."

It's scary. So scary how accurately she can read him. So scary how well she knows him.

But he should have known. 

Rey knew him better than he knew himself. 

"Of course I'm in love with you." The lie slips easier from his mouth. Though it still grates at his heart. But he remembers Dameron, and his attempt to get closer to Rey. His threats. And the lie slips easier. It was the only way. 

She looks at him, furrowing her brows and she sighs. 

"You've been so unhappy with this Ben, I just want the way it was-"

"And I want this new life, with you. Of course I love you, I've been unhappy because I'm not sure about you."

"What do you mean?" She almost looks affronted, so he tries for a close approximation of the truth. 

"Because you said... you said you love him. Dameron. And I know you only wanted a kid. That this, a relationship, being exclusive, staying married forever it was all a convenience to you. So when you said you loved me too... I guess I didn't trust you enough. And that's why I was miserable."

It was odd, how the lie makes his chest lighter, how it rings true even to his own ears. But... that wasn't the case. Wasn't it? 

"Oh, sweetie."

She turns to him and gets up on his lap, wrapping her arms tight around him. 

"Of course I love you, you big baby. I loved you for quite a while now... I think I just didn't realize it. And I'm sorry, about all those things, all the Poe shit. I didn't mean it! I saw you... I mean like by accident... I mean not really, just I wasn't stalking... but I saw you and your friend from the army and I got so angry and I realized I loved you. I love you, so in love with you and I didn't want to be apart from you. But I think I loved you a long time now Ben. I just wasn't ready. I am now."

The blinding smile she gave him before she pressed her mouth to his was worth it, worth pretending for the rest of his life. 

But her words, her reassurance that she didn't have feelings for Dameron anymore... made him feel like he was on top of the world. 

Rey loved him. Rey was in love with him. 

"Rey. I love you." The words slide out like butter. And he grins. There, he was getting better. Maybe he just needed to say it again and again.

She never has to know. She can't catch him again. She looked so lonely. So lost when she said she knew.

He had to step up his acting. He had to act more like a man in love. 

\---

**One Year Ago**

"You guys went to Disneyland?"

"Yep."

"Rey you're 30."

She glares at Phasma and juts her chin. 

"What's wrong with Disney? Ben and I go every year on my birthday. I love it there, it's the happiest place on Earth!"

Armie rolls his eyes good naturedly. 

"Yeah Phas, Rey's always loved theme parks. Leave her alone that place is heaven for her. I remember like, when we were in Chandrila, Bazine wanted all of us to go to New Orleans for the weekend as a fun house party. We all agreed but Poe remembered Rey wanted to go to Disney, so he made all of us go to Florida instead. Bazine flew into a rage. That was your first time ever in Disney right Rey?"

"I thought we went to Florida because the tickets were cheaper than New Orleans?"

Armitage freezes in the act of drinking his beer, and from beside him Poe stiffened. 

"Uh... right! Poe was looking at the tickets, Florida was the best deal..."

"You vouched for Disney?" Rey turns to Poe who was sitting across from where she and Ben shared a single chair at the Falcon, the tips of his ears turning red. "I... yeah. I did."

"You hate theme parks."

It was the first time in a long while that Rey had addressed Poe. And everyone was watching the exchange with bated breath. 

"Yeah, but you loved it. And you wanted to see the Galaxy's Edge thing, God you were such a nerd Rey. And you wanted to see it, you've been telling me for months leading up to Chandrilla. And... I just wanted to see you smile."

There was a moment that passed between them, a moment that only exists between people who have had history and it twists at Ben's gut. 

He hates it. Hates it. 

Rey smiles softly, and for the first time in years, laid a hand on Poe's shoulder before realizing what she did and withdrawing her hand quickly. 

"I was. I was smiling the entire day. Especially when you were screaming so loud at the coasters. I... I thought you didn't have fun that day."

"I did." Poe was quick to blurt out. "I had fun, because you were there, and... you were you. And we had a blast. Didn't we? We had a great deal of fun.I still wish we could have gotten the ice though."

"Yeah. We did."

Rey ducked her head down and grabbed Ben's pint, taking a sip. And he saw Dameron smiling like a fool into his own cup. He wants to punch that pathetic smile off of his face.

"I think I have a picture!"

Armie blurts at the sudden silence and scrolls in his phone. 

"It's been years but... ah-ha!"

He shows everyone, it was a photo of the four of them, looking so much younger. It was a group photo, and no one would mistake that it was just something taken between friends. But his eyes fixate on Rey, who had her hair down, and had one small braid running down the side of her hair, she was standing in front of the entrance to Galaxy's Edge wearing a Do Or Do Not There Is No Try shirt, smiling so wide. She looks so young here, so carefree, so unburdened. She was in the middle with Bazine. Armie on Bazine's free side and Poe on hers. Her head was tilted towards his, and his arms were slung around her shoulder, the biggest grin on his face. 

"Damn you guys were fetuses."

He looks at it, that photo, the big beaming grin on her face as Poe Dameron holds her, in her happiest place on Earth. And he can't help but think that only he should have been able to make her smile like that. 

Only... Rey never smiled as bright as that for him before. 

\---

"Ben!"

He holds her hips down, even as her leg shakes around him, her back arching off the bed, bucking and crying and keening his name. 

Her pussy clenches around him and he stops his movements as he hisses. 

"Fuck. Don't do that sweetheart please."

"I can't help it."

He laughs despite himself and tickles her sides and she screams in laughter, trying to swat his hand away. He pushes inside her again and her laughter turns to moan and her hands move from his shoulder to his hair. 

"Ben..."

Her eyes lock on his, go molten, as her breaths escape her mouth with every time he drives inside her. 

His pace slows, enjoying the way she slowly, slowly engulfed him. 

"I love the feeling of your cock inside me."

He smiles at her, rewarding her with a deep thrust against her cervix. She jerks against him at the sudden pain/pleasure combination and she shudders, eyes still locked on his as her hips arch and she pulls herself up to him.

"You like that sweetheart?"

"Yes. Oh yes. Please. More."

"Who's pussy is this? Who's fucking it so good."

"You are."

"Say my name sweetheart."

"Ben."

She reaches up to kiss his mouth, eyes still locked on his.

"Ben. Ben. Ben."

Each name punctuated by a kiss to his nose, his cheeks, his mouth again. 

"Ben. I love your cock. I love it, I love it. Ben. My Ben."

He takes her through her orgasm, sliding in and out of her spasming pussy before she shakes again, her thighs spasming away from him and with one final thrust deep in her, he cums.

She moans as she feels him inside her, clenching him, milking him dry. 

He angles her hips up and stays locked inside her. As he lays her down on the bed. 

"Ben. That was... that was amazing. I love you."

Her arms go slack around him and she promptly falls asleep and he grins. No one else, no one else made her cum like that. No one has seen her like this, spent and sated. No one knows her like this. Only him. This was theirs.

He climbs out of the bed as her arms slacken around him and she makes a whine of protest. "I have to clean you off sweetheart. You'll thank me tomorrow."

He kisses her forehead and sighs when his call room had ran out of tissues. Figures. Good thing he keeps a wet wipes set in his locker - care of Rey. 

He steps out of his call room and into the locker room, whistling as he went, only to be confronted with the image of Poe Dameron his eyes dark and stormy, jaw locked in front of the attending locker bay. 

He was shirtless, not expecting anyone in the lounge as it was him on call tonight. He's pretty sure he has stains on the scrub pants he threw on randomly. 

His face flames and he gives a nod to Dameron. 

"Hey man, didn't know you'd be here. I thought the roster put me up for call today."

"I just finished surgery."

"Oh... must have been a crap one."

"Yeah. Hemipelvectomy."

"Ooh ouch. Sorry about that."

He scurries to his locker and grabs the pack of wipes and stands awkwardly in front of Poe. "I uh... I'm on call... so sleeping while I can... uh... good night Dameron."

"Are you fucking her?"

He stops in his tracks at the question, fists already curling as he turns to face him. 

"Excuse me."

"Rey. I... it doesn't take a genius to know."

"It's none of your business."

"We both know it is."

Rage. Blinding rage burns through him. He turns again, determined to ignore Poe.

"I didn't know fuck buddies are so desperate. Don't you live together? Why bring it here, when anyone can walk in you. If it had been anyone but me, you're fucked."

He really wanted to walk away, be a bigger man. But the image of her smiling with Dameron's arms, in their place, where they celebrate her birthday flashes in his mind

"And why is that?"

"You know. The papers would get a kick out of the Senator's son being all depraved and fucking in a hospital."

"We're trying for a baby."

Whatever it was Poe didn't expect that. He knows he's sick and belongs in hell for the satisfaction it gives him. 

"Don't tell anyone yet. But we hope it's soon. That's why we're having sex in the hospital. It's... a critical time. We usually don't do it here."

"You... a baby?"

"Yeah. Rey's already my family. We live together. The whole world thinks she's my girlfriend anyway. She said she's not getting younger. And she wants a kid."

"Rey doesn't want kids."

"Well. She specifically told me she wanted a baby. Asked me to put it in her."

He's glad, so glad to see Dameron's fists clench. Punch me. He thinks. Just give me a reason you bastard. 

"She always said she never wanted them."

"Yeah well, maybe she just hasn't found someone she wanted to have them with. Until now."

He lets the implication of his sentence hang in the air and there's almost a giddy joy in his heart as he walks in the room again. 

He gently wipes in between Rey's legs, and it speaks to her fatigue that she doesn't stir. Then he gathers her into his arms and holds her tight. 

Rey was his family. And soon they'd have kids. 

Dameron should start acknowledging that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay be honest with me - is it OOC? I've always imagined this as the inner workings of Ben. He's so in love with Rey you see (but of course our emotionally stunted tall loving giant doesn't see that) and it manifests in primitive ways - he's so caring for her, always has her welfare in mind and he's also been a tad bit possessive (a fact Rey secretly loves). I hoped I showed bits and pieces of that in the fluff pieces in the way Ben always has Rey sit on his lap whenever they hang out as a group in Falcon. But now that I explored it fully with his POV - what do you think?


	19. I Do Recall Now The Smell Of The Rain

**The Present**

30 weeks. 

It's 30 weeks and everything hurts.

The twins are still small for gestational age. 

Rose is seriously considering inducing her at 37 weeks because she's huge. Like 32 weeks belly huge. 

And her back hurts. 

And she can't see her toes. 

And her boobs. 

God she doesn't want to talk about her boobs. 

And she has a job now that she wasn't sick at all times of the day and she has the appetite of a hippo and she gained fifteen pounds. Mostly on the belly. 

And she has to pee. 

She always has to pee. 

That's why she's awake in the ungodly hour of 6 in the morning when she has 1 more hour to sleep. Because her son was pressing on her bladder. She knows it's him, the little monster. He's exactly like his father. 

Feeling vindictive towards said father who has the twin gene in his system that skipped his generation so his mother that is as tiny as her did not have to birth 2 Bens but she does, she kicks at his feet as she gets up to go pee, again. 

"Huh- wha- are you okay sweetheart?"

She's annoyed that he's cute. 

And annoyed that she loves him because she's pretty sure that's how she ended up knocked up with twins. 

He pumped her full of sperm that not only one but two managed to race to her egg at the exact same time and fertilize it. 

It's because of his cuteness. 

It's all his fault. 

"No. I have to pee! Again! And your son is kicking at my bladder."

She huffs her way around him, making her way to the toilet and he follows her, yawning widely. 

When she's done, he wraps his arms around her from behind as she washes her hand, cupping her belly and soothing a hand where he can feel his son kick kicking away at her belly. 

"Hush. Your mama needs to rest. And your sister too."

But his hand on her belly only excited the little one, causing his kicks to speed up, and against his better judgment, Ben laughs trying to smother it against her shoulder. 

She should be angry, she really should, except this was her fiancee and their son, and they were her boys and she loved them so, that she merely sighs and relaxes back against Ben. 

"You're carrying me back to bed."

If he grunts as he lifts her up, the weight of their children straining his back, he doesn't say anything. And she snickers as she buries her nose against his neck, sniffing him.He deserved as much. 

"I love you." She smiles into his skin, so thankful she can say it. 

He stiffens under her hold, before relaxing.

"I love you, Rey." He whispers as he lays her back on the bed. And he slides back down to press kisses to her belly. "And I love you both."

And he chatters mindlessly to her belly, and she sighs, through the discomfort because she loves her kids and their dad and she wouldn't have this any other way. 

\---

"Hey sweetheart. You ready to go?"

Ben walks in to their office and she smiles at him, holding a hand up to Poe, who was tallying out their plans for the month and how much surgeries they can cover and where to delegate specimens to. 

"Hey! Sorry, we're running a bit late. Do you mind waiting like 15 minutes?"

Ben nods but Poe shakes his head. "You know what, it's fine, we can finish this later. You can go ahead and have lunch."

She winces and feels bad. She can't just ditch him so she can go to lunch. "Oh... uh... you can maybe come? With us? To lunch? Then we can finish discussing it there?"

Ben's eyes widen at her suggestion and Poe was already nodding. "Sure. Sure. Where do you want to go?"

"We're going to Chipotle, I really want-"

"Yes, I remember."

She blushes. Chipotle was their thing. Back in Chandrila. Taco Tuesdays except they both get Burrito bowls and she loves guacamole and sour cream and he doesn't. And Ben doesn't know that, and she already knows how he feels. 

She sends a glance his way, but his face was a mask. So she takes his hand as they walk out of the office and into the morning air of Coruscant in the spring.

"Uh... about the other day, at Hux's birthday." She starts, caught in between Ben who kept a vise like grip on her hand and Poe who walked on her other side in a weird new way because she was always, always trailing after him before and this is really throwing her off. 

"It's fine. No harm, no foul, right Ben?"

"Yeah. As long as you don't touch my fiancee."

His tone was joking, light, breezy. Right? She forces out a laugh, and she sees Poe's eyes slit. 

"Yeah, we're all good. It's all... uh... good."

Oh my God, you know how it was every girl's fantasy to be caught in between 2 guys? It wasn't a fantasy at all. Especially when she's just probably day dreaming about them having a pissy fight about her, because that's just like her, to assume, the way she did with Poe all those years ago. The way she almost did with Ben. 

_You live in a fantasy Rey. Grow up._ She can still hear Poe say it to her, and he was right. 

This was nothing. She's just imagining the tension in her head. This was fine. It was all fine. 

"So, the research Poe and I are doing, it's great. I'm really glad I took your advice to come back to work."

She chatters, unable to stand awkward silences and they were still a few minutes away from the Chipotle. 

Poe starts at that information and looks to Ben. "You advised her to go back to work?" 

"Yeah. Luke said it was a once in a lifetime opportunity-"

See they were fine. They were having a conversation. She breathes a sigh of relief. It was all in her head. 

"and Rey was really bored at home. There's only so many things we can do, right sweetheart."

She blushes. That was a bit inappropriate, the way he grinned down at her, but that was fine, that was just Ben teasing, they do this. 

"Yeah. Rey never mentioned she wanted children. Ever. She always thought of them as a joke. I think the one time you mentioned wanting kids was when you thought we could wash them with the dogs. Remember? You had a dog phase?"

"Yeah. I mean, I would still wash my kids with the dog-"

"Why, I told you the dogs can scratch them-"

"It's cute for the photos!"

"Rey. You can't subject the kids to rabies for photos."

"There is no rabies in this country for house pets! If you haven't forgotten USMLE the protocol is no prophylaxis-"

"And monitoring the mutt for ten days! You can't seriously-"

Ben clears his throat, as they reach the Chipotle, and she realizes her head was tipped to Poe, and she was smiling, and he was smiling at her too, and it was just like those olden days, back when they were friends. 

"I'm sure I can wash the twins and Rey can wash the dog or vice versa. We won't have to do it together since we can help each other."

A shutter falls over Poe's eyes and he says nothing as they march to the front.

\---

She almost salivates at the sight of beef and guac and rice and cheese and she was so starved for this. 

"Man when was the last time we had good Chipotle?"

She was nodding her head as she poured sour cream she almost wept. "I know, I really missed this. I should have eaten this more."

Ben smiles at her. 

"Slow down. You'll get heart burn."

She groans because it's true. The twins had squished her stomach high up her ribs so it was easier to get reflux. 

She elbows him in the side, sneaking a piece of his pulled pork and smirking when he glares at her. 

"Your genes have the twins, I have a claim to your pork."

"I told you we can halfsies."

She giggles because Ben finally learned the term, and she nods, knowing she'll take him up on the offer.

"You're well trained my young padawan."

She mimics his uncle and Ben shivers nudging her away with an elbow as well. 

She turns to Poe and grins. "Ben's resigned himself to the fact that we split our food because I want to taste everything."

"I know. I remember. You used to ask me to do it. Remember, that one time in the Italian place."

"Yeah, but you said you don't do halfsies." She interjects quickly before Poe can walk them down memory lane, because that's just... something she hadn't discussed with Ben. 

He knows of Poe, and how he broke her heart, but he doesn't know Poe-Poe and just how deep the ties ran. 

"Remember when you made me wait for an hour and half at the Chipotle because you took the wrong bus and left late because you were chatting with Armitage?"

She blushes because it's true, that did happen. "Hey, I mean, I have very bad direction sense! And I got there in the end!"

"Yeah eventually I just made you meet me at the chapel. That way I won't lose you."

"It was our first week there Poe! Cut me some slack, I'm not always lost!"

"You're the one who mentioned you're perpetually lost!"

She laughs at that because it was true, she really did have bad direction sense so she turns to Ben. "Oh my God, be lucky you met me now, back in med school I always got lost in the hospital itself because my brain just can't comprehend right or left-"

"I can't imagine that. You're such a great driver."

Poe scoffs. "Nah, she's reliant on her GPS."

Ben shrugs and pulls Rey's plate to his and passes her his own. 

"Or people change. You don't know Rey now. She's not the person she was four years ago."

The truth of it rings hollow as the smile in Poe's face vanishes, and his jaw squares and he takes on that cocky look that she knows, _knows_ is asking for trouble. 

"You may be right. But I knew Rey then. And people don't change all that much. Not when it counts."

There was the edge of a threat in there. And she sees Ben cock back to reply so she grips his hand and smiles at Poe. "Well yeah, for instance, I still love my steak burrito bowl, more than pulled pork. But anyway did I tell you Ben, that Poe actually volunteered to cover the Jakku part of the research so I won't have to leave, and then wedding planning can proceed as per normal?"

Ben's feathers settle and as they go down the menial talk of wedding planning she feels the familiar burn on the back of her throat and wonders if it's her son against her stomach or the stress of Ben and Poe together than caused her reflux. 

\---

"Sorry, Rey, I have a surgery that's going to overrun. I think I won't make lunch?"

It was the first time since she got pregnant that she won't be with Ben for lunch. 

"Oh. Okay. I can eat at my desk."

"Eat something good!"

She smiles and hates that she misses him and she's so needy. "You too. I love you."

He pauses for a second. 

"I love you too."

Then he clicks off.

\---

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

Poe was always somehow beside her these days, working late with her in the office as they tried to get their project off the ground.

"I can't get the numbers to come out from the software."

"Well did you input the numbers on the excel correctly?"

She growls at him and he laughs. "Right, right, technologically challenged, here let me see."

She shoves the laptop to Poe who starts looking at her work and it's easy, so easy to revert to the way it was. To when he used to save her ass when everything overwhelms her. 

"Hey Poe?"

"Yeah? I think your format is right, but your software is out of date, again. I keep telling you to update it."

"Ugh. You know I hate updating things."

He scoffs and kicks at her foot, the way he did way back then. He used to kick at her or threaten to hit her or sometimes actually hit her on the shoulder when he's pissed at her. She was a bro to him. 

"If you don't update it would be like the iPhone gate of 2012. You'd lose all your photos and shit."

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember that, you blamed me for making you update your phone."

"You told me you won't be friends with me anymore if I didn't!"

"I was joking, clearly!"

It was easy. So easy. 

Then again things with Poe had always fallen into place for her, until the minute she threw her feelings into the mix and blocked the gears that was their easy friendship - the way they took to each other like they've known each other all their lives. 

"Hey, Poe. Where did we go so wrong?"

He sighs, not looking up from the computer, still clearly irked at her ability to just air out her feelings to him. It's not like she did it to everyone else, in fact it was something that was difficult even with Ben. 

But Poe was Poe, and it was easy with him. She'd forgotten. 

"We were both stressed, it was the wrong time, and we both just didn't try to make it better after that."

"You said you were too tired for it, and you had no time for it."

"So did you, Rey. You were the first person to say it."

"When did I-"

"When I asked you about Dr.Kenobi, and why he called me to ask if you had some attitude changes lately. And you told me you had no time for me or for anyone else in your life and all you wanted to be was a doctor. And that was fucking bitchy of you to say Rey. So forgive me if I was also stressed during that time, as I also had exams to finish and lashed out at you."

He was right. They both made mistakes. They were both too prideful then. 

"Why didn't you talk to me after."

"Why didn't you?"

She swallows and shrugs. "I tried, Christmas, then New Year-"

"You were dating fucking Matt the Radar Technician, Rey. Am I just supposed to insert myself when you had a boyfriend?"

"That's no excuse. Why didn't you talk to me then?"

"Because I didn't want to be friends with you when you had a boyfriend Rey. And if you ask me why we both know you're lying to yourself."

She never considered it before. That he was jealous of Matt. That he's always been jealous. 

"You were jealous of Matt?"

Poe sighs and shoves her laptop back at her, her stats now beautifully displayed. 

"Update your software Rey. I'm done here."

And he stalks out of the office. 

\---

She rants about it to Ben as she dried her hair from the shower. 

"And then he was like - update your software. Can you believe it? What a prick."

He was busy reading his patient files and nods and hums absent mindedly. Taking pity on him she wraps her arms from behind him and kisses his neck. 

"You're working too hard."

He pats her hand and mutters. "I know, but it's catch up work from my leave."

She laps at his ears and he stiffens under her hold. 

He turns to glare playfully at her. "Sweetheart-"

"You can catch up with me instead?"

She grins as he tumbles her into the bed.

"I love you, Ben." She mumbles after when she's sleepy against his chest.

"Love you." He croaks, and holds her a little tighter. 

She was content. Thoughts of Poe driven away from her mind. 

Like... she wasn't even thinking about it. She shouldn't. She was in bed with Ben. And that was all that mattered.

\---

"Okay. I'm sorry. I was a bad friend. I didn't... I wasn't the friend you deserved. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you think I left you alone with Bazine, but I want you to know that I really was on your side. I did the best that I could. But I stand by what I said. I shouldn't be faulted for being friends with you and Bazine. I feel like you made me choose. And it's unfair to me then, because I tried to stand by you, I really did. But I want to put it behind us. We both made mistakes. I told you that before. I'm just fucking sorry, Rey. Can we just... restart this? Go back to being friends?"

He had her favorite ice cream flavor from Ben and Jerry's. He remembered. And she almost cried. 

"Can we be friends again?"

He sighs and plops the ice cream pint into her hands. 

"We work together, we have the same friends. I'm tired of it being awkward when we all collectively hang out with each other."

"You once told me a man and woman can't be just friends."

He grins and points to her belly. "You're not single anymore. I think we can make that work?"

\---

"So I think I'm friends with Poe again."

She rubs her belly on their drive home and Ben turns to her suddenly, confusion in his eyes. 

"Friends?"

"Yeah."

She shifts, trying to get to a position where none of her kidneys were pressed under a fetus. 

"I think? He said because we work together now, and have the same friends, something like that, and he apologized for the Bazine thing and I apologized for taking it further than it ought to have gone. Anyway, I think we're at bygones be bygones stage now, so it's all good."

He scoffs at her and she turns to face him, accepting the fact that her children will forever be pressing on something they ought to not be pressing on.

"What?"

"Suddenly, after all this time, he wants to be friends? I don't trust that."

She sighs and reaches for his hand. "I know you think I still have some feelings for him, but trust me, I'm over it. Because of you. And Poe never saw me that way anyway, so it doesn't matter. And we're getting married and you knocked me up twice over. I think he knows there's no way. And there is. No way. Because I love you Ben. You made me believe in love again. And the way I love you is so much greater than the way I loved him."

He swallows and shakes his head, hands gripping the wheel. 

"Don't do that, Rey."

"Do what?" She tries to turn to look at him, but this was a comfortable sprawl and she doesn't want to lose it. 

"Don't make me out to be your goddamn hero or something. Like I saved you from all this."

"But... you did. Sort of? If I never met you at that bar, I mean... I would never have moved on. Your love did save me."

"Yeah. My love." He says acerbically. 

"Ben, what's the issue here? Is it because I'm friends with Poe?"

"Nothing." He bites out fast, before blowing a breath and speeding a little. "Can we just talk about something other than Poe please?" 

\---

They do. 

She forgets how easy it was. How simple it was. Back then with Poe. 

Once the animosity is behind them, and Bazine a speck in their history, and he was trying, really trying this time around.

"Can I tell you something?"

He grimaces, it's usually a preface to her sharing something so uncomfortably intimate and he doesn't want to know. 

"It never stopped you before."

"It's about Ben."

He shifts in his chair, still not looking at her, but it's okay, she knows he doesn't mean to be rude, he's just uncomfortable but he's trying. 

"What about the perfect Ben Solo?"

"I just... sometimes I feel like I'm choking him you know. Like... I'm doing to him what I did with you. Like pressuring him to... to be my knight in shining armor. Like I'm asking him to be something he's not. He didn't... the baby wasn't his idea. It was mine. And the marriage was his mother's and I feel like I just... somehow sort of forced him? And... you were right, when I came back to work it was because he asked me the same thing you did. He said we spent too much time together and he felt that... it was too much. I was too much. And then yesterday he asked me to stop thinking of him as my hero. Is it me, Poe? Like... do I just really ask for too much?"

It was weird to talk about the father of her kids with the man who she used to love. Who up until a year ago, before she slept with Ben Solo she was convinced she still loved. But underneath all of that, this was still Poe. This was still the man she loved as a friend, as a brother before she saw him as a man. 

And she trusted him still, inexplicably. 

"Rey. You don't ask for anything you don't deserve. If Solo doesn't see that he's an idiot. You're warm. You like to spend time with people you love. You really make the time. That's just who you are. Anyone who asks you to change that is an idiot."

"You asked me to."

"Well yeah, I was an idiot."

She laughs at that but seemed to be pacified with his answer. Poe always made her feel better.

"But you should also know that he's just human, and sometimes, you do tend to think of the best of someone too much. And it's both uplifting, because you really truly believe in someone and you give them 100% support. But sometimes it's scary you know? Because what if they let you down, and it's going to hurt them to hurt you. But again. If they let that get in the way, the're idiots."

She mulls his suggestion over and seeing the point in it. Maybe sometimes she did put Ben in a pedestal. Something to think about. 

"Rey?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not an idiot now."

Well what the hell was she supposed to say to that?

\---

She crawls into Ben's lap in their bed that night and lays her cheek over his chest, where she can listen to his beating heart.

"Ben? You know I don't... expect you to like be perfect all the time right? Like... if you need anything I am here for you too? I'm not fragile, and I won't think less of you if you don't... you know, help me or whatever. There's no pedestal okay? I just... I'm so thankful for you, just exactly as you are."

His arms wrap tight around her, holding, clutching. 

"Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I let you down, and I feel shitty."

"You won't. Ever. Let me down. I love you as you are Ben."

He just holds her tighter and clings. 

\---

"You can go Poe, really."

"I'll take you home."

"I can wait for Ben."

"He's late, and you haven't eaten yet and you're pregnant. Last I checked he was still in surgery."

She sighs and rubs at her belly. 

"Yeah, he's been working late a lot, lately."

There must have been a frown on her face because Poe punches her lightly on the arm. 

"Come on. My treat. I'll get you nice Mexican food."

"With Tamales?"

He rolls his eyes and picks up her bag and slings it across his own shoulder. 

"Let's go preggo."

She chucks her pen at him, and pulls her phone out and leaves Ben a voicemail, saying she went home ahead with Poe.

\---

She wiggles in her seat as the cantina served her tamales and her large burrito bowl with extra guac and extra sour cream.

"Your wife's really cute." The cantina owner pats Poe on the shoulder as she takes the first bite and lets out a loud _mhmmm_ as the tangy flavors hit her tongue that was truly beyond her control. 

"Oh... uhhh... she's not-"

"Oh no, no, we're not-"

The owner looks between the both of them and nodded understanding. 

"Ah well, it's the modern world. Babies come before the rings, and it's fine. So is it a boy? A girl?"

Rey sighs and so does Poe knowing this will be a longer conversation if they explain. "It's both, it's twins." She pats her belly as the owner beams. "Ay, you very strong aren't you hombre?" Poe gets double pats on the back as the cantina owner walks off, promising them a free dessert. 

Rey giggles as she digs in to her food. 

"What is it about you and me, that we always get mistaken for a married couple?" She wonders aloud. 

"I don't know, were we always mistaken?"

"Yeah! Remember, after the suturing workshop, on the train, and there was this dad that got up and offered me a seat? I was wearing my favorite blue dress? And we're 100% sure he assumed I was pregnant with your kid. At least now I really am pregnant."

"Oh shit yeah, I remember that day. It was awkward. You asked me if I thought you looked pregnant and there was no way I can answer that."

She laughs and threatens to punch him. 

"Well, at least I'm actually pregnant this time, so I guess that's a level up."

He looks at her under his lashes, and his jaw tightens. "Yeah. I guess so."

\---

Ben was outside their house when Poe pulls up to their drive way. 

They ended up staying later than they should have over frozen yogurt. 

"Where were you!"

He almost yells as he wrenches her out of Poe's car. 

"And you weren't answering your phone!"

Her phone died. And she had no battery pack or a wire. A hazard she always had. And Poe used a different brand of phone. 

"Sorry, I sent you a voice mail-"

"Saying you were going home! That was five hours ago Rey!"

There was a crazed look in his eye. And she wraps her arms around him. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"Fuck. I gotta call Hux and Rose. I was really fucking worried, Rey."

He cups her face and presses a desperate kiss to her lips. 

"Maybe if you didn't work all the time and actually spent time with her, you wouldn't have had to worry." Poe mutters from inside the car as he glared at Ben, hands knuckle white on the steering wheel. 

Ben stiffens against her and she presses a hand to his chest, stopping him from moving. "Ben, don't."

She whirls on Poe. 

"Thanks for taking me home."

She moves to close the door but Poe kills his engine and goes out of the car, and rounds up to Ben again. 

"I've been with her more than you have. Do you know her ankles are swelling? She has backpain. And you make her wait in that office. She's tired a lot. Which you would know, if you're not in the OR for for-fucking-ever. Just say if you don't want this Solo. She doesn't need you."

"What the fuck are you on man? This is my family, my kids, my wife-"

"She's not your wife yet, isn't she?"

"ENOUGH!" They both turn to Rey who was glaring at the both of them. 

"Poe, apologize to Ben. He's doing his best. He's working. He's here for me. You don't know just what Ben has done for me, and you would never understand. You don't get to talk to my future husband like that! We're friends, but you've crossed a line. I think you should go."

Poe's eyes turn mutinous as Rey tucks her arm through Ben's and tries to lead him inside. 

"He's just using you, Rey."

Rey doesn't even bother replying to him, and just motions for Ben to get inside.

\---

"I'm so sorry about that."

Ben looks down on her as he moves to the bedroom and picks up his bedding.

"Where are you going?"

He glares at her. "The guest room. I don't want to make you spend the night with someone who's just using you."

"Ben, don't be like this."

She reaches out to grab him but he moves out of her way. 

"What have you been telling him, huh, Rey? Have you been complaining about all the ways I'm not Saint Poe to Dameron himself?"

She feels her own anger rise. "What the hell are you saying? Poe was just saying you've been leaving me alone for too long. And he's not wrong Ben. You've been so busy with work, you don't even get lunch with me-"

"Because I am working! I am catching up on my surgeries! Again, I told you, just because we're not always together doesn't mean anything. We can't always be together, Rey!"

"I know that! That's why I defended you to Poe!"

He throws the pillows and the blanket to the wall. 

"Again with motherfucking Poe!"

He moves to punch the closet but Rey's horrified gasp stops him. 

She feels the tears spring up to her eyes. "Why are you being such a fucking boor. I didn't do anything!"

Her voice shakes and Ben's face falls and he crosses the bed to wrap her in his arms. 

"Sorry. I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to. It's... Dameron gets under my skin. He just... I just I know I've been busy. But that doesn't mean you can replace me with Poe."

"I'm not!" She's horrified that he would even think it. Because there's no one that can replace her Ben. He's the one who showed her it was safe to love someone again. 

She's never going to exchange that for Poe.

"If my friendship with Poe bothers you then I... I won't."

Ben sighs and rocks her side to side. "I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm just saying... don't air our dirty laundry to him. If you miss me, come find me, if you want me to do something, tell me. Don't... don't make him a part of us? Okay?"

He has a point. She shouldn't bottle up all her feelings about him and then rant to Poe. It was unfair to him. 

"I miss you, is all." 

"Rey. You know I love you the most right? I'll... I'll be more present. I promise."

\---

34 weeks.

And she's huge as a beluga whale. 

"Stop it."

She hisses at her belly as her son gave her heart burn while her daughter found her ribs, and she's at the height of discomfort, struggling with her salad, her pizza slice and her quart of milk that was supposed to be lunch.

Ben was still in surgery, and she finished clinics late. 

She wanted to sit down at the attending's lounge and put her feet up and eat in silence, but then she had an alert from the lab, some paperwork that needed her signatures to submit for a new grant so she doubled back to the building that housed the clinics after she already made her trek back to the main hospital to deal with it and she was still sitting in her office chair struggling to focus with all the ruckus in her abdomen, and the damned hiccups. 

"Hey Rey, have you proof read the abstract to the New England- what's wrong?"

She hisses as her daughter kicks at her ribs, hard, and she groans, and of course Poe was coming in to her office. 

"The one with the outcomes for radiation after suspicious drop met lesions? Yeah give me a sec-"

"Fuck the abstract what's wrong with you?"

She sighs and leans back on her chair as another hiccup comes from her mouth. 

"Baby boy is giving me GERD, and baby girl is kicking my ribs. I know it's squishy there guys, mama knows. But a little bit more okay? They're still too small. But there's two of them and not much space."

She expects Poe to move on now. He never knows how to handle her sick. Once she broke her ankle, nearing the end of their relationship and he took the stairs with her, only asking how she got injured and moved on from it. 

He wasn't a comforter, or a nurturer. 

He wasn't like Ben in that sense. 

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

She blinks her eyes open and stares, dumbfounded at him. 

His hands were clenched at his sides, and he looked uncomfortable as ever, but he was asking. 

He catches her expression and his lips firm up in an even thinner line, his thick lashes brushing his cheek as he looks down and away from her. 

"I know. I should have asked you before. When you broke your ankle, or the time you had really bad GE. I should have been there. But I'm here now Rey. And I want to be here now. I'm trying to be a friend here, Rey."

He really shouldn't say that to her. It was inappropriate and Ben wouldn't like it. 

He was already antsy about her working with Poe, and with his recent behavior lately, Rey can understand where Ben is coming from. It's not nice to have your significant other working so closely with someone who for all intents and purposes seems to be wooing her.

"I have a fiancee, and I'm pregnant. Poe. You know it's never going to happen right? I mean, forgive me if I'm mistaking your cues here and if I'm assuming too much, but I want it clear that we're professional, and that our relationship will never be more than that. Because we're going to work a lot together and I don't want any misconceptions-"

"Are we? Just professional?"

She remembers all the fights they had before the last one that officially broke them. 

She remembers and she wants to run under a hole and just never come out. 

"Yes. We are."

"That's bullshit and you know it. You're still in love with me."

The nerve. His nerve. 

"How dare you-"

He lunges for her. He never did that before. He grabs her by the shoulder taking her by surprise. 

"These past few months, we're back to where we were. You're talking to me again. You were opening up to me. You said it yourself. Solo is not there for you. He doesn't love you Rey. Not in the way I do."

"No. Ben loves me."

"If he does, why is he pushing you away? Why does he look haunted and guilty all the time? Solo's selfish. He needs you. But he doesn't love you. Not in the way I can. Leave him Rey. Be with me. I can raise these babies with you. It was always meant to be us. The dogs, the 2.5 kids. The house. The picket fence. It was us. This was meant to be our life."

She wonders how long she waited. How long she wanted for this moment to happen. For him to ask her, for him to tell her he loved her. 

And she's surprised, even at the knowledge that she loved Ben. She's surprised that she doesn't really give a shit. 

Because she loves Ben. She fell in love with Ben. Because Poe missed his chance and let her go and because he did she found Ben. 

And it was a sudden clarifying realization because she loves Ben wholly, fully and truthfully. 

She loves him because he's the guy who sings Celine Dion songs in the shower. 

She loves him because he hogs the blankets but makes sure to hug her tight. 

She loves him because he always gives her the last piece of everything they eat.

She loves him because he's so patient with her, and finds all her quirks amusing. 

She loved him because it was like coming home when she thinks of Ben. He's just warm and cozy. 

And Ben. 

She really, really loves Ben. Not as a Poe rebound or a Poe substitute, but because he's Ben. 

"Poe."

"No, Rey. No please."

Her own eyes fill with tears because in another life, if they made different decisions it would have been her and him. And they would have been fine and perfect.

But she doesn't want the fine and perfect. She wants this messy clusterfuck she has with Ben. 

"I will always, always be thankful for you. You were a friend when I needed one the most. And I loved you with everything I was. But Poe. That's not who we are anymore. We're too late."

He shakes his head, shaking, this time really shaking. "I can't... I can't lose you, Rey."

"I think we lost each other a long time ago. But that doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

"We have so much history..."

She holds Poe's hand. And smiles at him. And for the first time she can breathe. "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It's the only way to become what you were meant to be. And then move onwards. To better things."

\---

36 Weeks

She made it. 

She really truly made it. 

She and the twins made it to full term.

So Rose and Phasma were at their new house, where they fully moved in, to throw her a baby shower. 

"So let me get this straight - Poe told you he loved you."

"Yep." She had to tell Rose that, to explain why he wasn't invited to her shower. Or why in particular Ben would not appreciate having him at this shower. 

"And you still work with him?" Phasma asks in bewilderment as she carries the cooler filled with mocktails as if it was nothing. Gosh, Phasma was such a cool girl. 

She leads them to the patio where the party was set up and she catches a glimpse of Ben hanging the baby bottle pinata with a strip of his abdomen showing, and she grins. 

Gosh her future husband was so hot. 

"Well, Ben's not quite happy but we did sign a contract, and we had a grant-"

"And Ben's not happy because he loves you. Not friend loves you but like - loves, loves you." Rose had stars in her eyes as she laid down the party favors on the small gift table and Phasma rolls her eyes. 

"Yeah. He does."

"And you love love him too."

"I do, I really do." 

They both sigh dreamily and Phas looks like she wants to pummel herself with one of the mocktail bottles when Ben siddles over to her, and wraps her in his arms and presses a wet kiss to her cheek. 

"Save me from my mother, sweetheart?"

"Awwwww.... I want to say I called this like way, way before."

Phasma chuckles and shakes her head. "You lost to your own boyfriend Rose. Armitage called early-spring, you said summer."

Rose scowls at Phasma and shakes her head. "If anyone lost it's Dr. Skywalker. He said it's next year."

Ben groans and Rey merely laughs resigned to the fact that their friends have been betting on them for forever. 

"But honestly you two, I am so happy for you. You guys finally saw clearly and admitted that you love each other."

Rose screams and Ben stiffens behind Rey, and her brows furrow as she turns to him. 

"Something the matter?"

He smiles at her, but it looks stiff and forced and he releases her, shaking his head. "It's nothing, sweetheart. I should get the damned table my mother wants set up."

He kisses her temple and flees, and Rose continues to chatter about them, but Rey has a sinking feeling in her heart. 

\---

"I will always be with you. It's pretty, kid."

There were two ignited yellow and purple sword night lights beside the calligraphy he made on the wall, just above the mahogany wood crib he had especially made and delivered. 

"Yeah, it went well with the yellow and the purples."

"Don't deny it you designed this room with Kylo and Kira Ren in mind."

He blushes because it was true, he and Rey were big Galactic Battle fans. 

"Yeah, well, the trooper mobile was Rey's idea so..."

Han looks over at him, and he shakes his head. "I heard about what happened. With Rey. And Poe Dameron."

Ben curses under his breath, Luke was always such a tattle tale. 

"Yeah, well..."

"I'm surprised you didn't punch the lights out of him."

He smirks and settles the lego box on the highest shelf of the toy cubby. Rey didn't believe in his toys and her toys. The twins were going to share everything. He thought it was a good idea. 

"Yeah well, I was going to, but Rey put him in his place. And she told me, so I have no reason to worry. Besides if I punch him, Rey would be mad at me."

"But Luke says you hover."

He shrugs. He had a pregnant wife that was about to give birth any moment. He had to be there especially since he was the one who forced her to go back to work in the first place. 

"He went to Jakku. So he's out of my hair for a while. That helps too. He leers at my wife."

"Not your wife yet kid."

Han pulls a deep sip from his whiskey tumblr and sits rigidly on the rocking chair by the nursing table. 

Ben grins at the thought. "Yeah, well... soon enough."

"You seem... excited."

He surveys the nursery, having put away the last of the presents and deemed it worthy enough to present to Rey. She cried at his present for her - her much beloved Kylo Ren's saber sword from the movies in full replica to be mounted on top of his famous line. The twins will love it. 

"Well, it just makes it easier. Dameron would stop mooning after her, once we make it official. Rey's more or less my wife anyway. In all but paper."

"And your feelings."

He stills, the weight of the saber sword in his arms as he figures out how to mount it.

"Dad, we discussed this."

"I just think it's fair for Rey to know all the facts."

"What facts?" His tone was low, dangerous and biting. 

His dad shrugs and Ben almost growls at him in irritation. 

"Don't give me that Ben, I'm just saying, the Dameron kid sounds like he loves Rey, and well, from what Luke said Rey loved him once before you walked in to the picture. If what you're saying is true, and you don't love her-"

"Dad!" His eyes quickly swivel to the door. Rey can walk in, and hear this. 

He goes to it, closes it, locks it. 

"We're not talking about this dad."

But Han presses on. Pointing with his whiskey tumblr. 

"Benjamin. It's true. This boy loves her, and just because you feel... I don't know possessive over Rey, doesn't mean you have the right to rob her of someone who loves her for the right reasons."

Ben drops the sword and grabs his dad's tumblr. "How can you say that? She's carrying your grandchildren!"

"Yes! And you're making a fool out of yourself. You're so scared to lose her you would lie to her. So scared to not have her you would use her like this. You just told me, that you don't have feelings for her. I'm not comfortable with you fooling this woman because you look at her and see some sort of hero who saved you-"

"But she did, dad! She did! I was in a bad place, in Boston. You don't know... Snoke and the Army... and what happened that night. I was... I wasn't okay. And she walked in to the bar. And she walked in to my life. And it wasn't hopeless or miserable. She took me in when my own family left me behind, and abandoned me. She's why I'm here, she's why I'm alive. I cannot lose Rey. I won't know what to do with myself."

"So you trick her into thinking you're keeping her because you love her, when all you want from her is what... a sick need to be seen as a good guy?"

Ben throws the tumblr, smashing it against the door. 

"Ben-"

"What does it matter dad? When the end result is the same? When I'd still be here, with her, for her, raising this family with her-"

"She'll miss out. On someone who wouldn't think that loving her was a burden, was a thank you."

Ben was about to retort when static comes through beside the crib, and he sees it, the baby monitor, that his mother had gifted them, that they were testing earlier. Him and Rey. 

The monitor's receiver which was in his room. Their room. 

"Fuck."

He wrenches open the door, crunching through broken glass with his shoes and runs to the master's bedroom where Rey was, a pool of water between her legs, and she was clutching her stomach, the monitor shattered on the floor beside her. 

Her eyes were red rimmed, and glassy. 

"Rey, that wasn't-"

"My water broke, Ben. Get the car."


	20. All Of These Years You've Been Lonely, Knowing Not What You Should Do

**The Meeting**

He was a year out from the Marines and there were still screams in his head. 

He thought it would go away. 

When his mother pulled him out of that division, risked her office, her presidential bid, to get him out from Snoke's clutches.

It had been a simple mission at the start. He was antsy, unsettled in Harvard in a surgical post that felt like it was hollow. He was replacing hips and knees for crying out loud. And that's how Snoke found him. 

Every surgeon's downfall is his own hubris. 

He wanted to be big and great. He wanted to be like his grandfather, the famed Anakin Skywalker. Darth Vader himself who was a lauded war hero, who died in Pearl Harbor. His mother never told him of the truth. Of how he staged the bombing of the Germans in Naboo so Naboo would be forced to declare war, so his grandmother could get specialist care in America. 

His mother never told him that his grandfather cause hundreds of children to die in that bombing. 

So all he imagined was a war hero soldier, Anakin Skywalker. 

It was how Snoke preyed on him. How Snoke managed to manipulate him into signing up for the Marines. 

The 2 year training was hell, he had to undergo residency again to train as a flight surgeon, and then do the basic military training. 

Deployment was like a drug - he felt the weight of it, the drama, finally being a life and death surgeon. 

Another Vader. He remembers. That's what Snoke wanted. Another Vader who would co-sign on the murder and torture of war criminals for his own personal gain. Another Vader who like for Palpatine would give him the name General.

And he handed it to him on a silver platter. Just like his grandfater. Vader who was lauded as a hero because he got all those patients out of that hospital, not knowing it was them, the doctors, who bombed their own station.

A violation of the Geneva convention. 

A violation of the Hippocratic oath. 

That was how he found out, the truth that his mother kept buried due to her Senatorial bid post-Korean war. His grandfather was a war criminal, who bombed children and caused them to die. 

Snoke held it against him rationalized that all is fair in war especially when the means would justify the ends. He could be a hero, just like his grandfather.

Initially he was okay with it. Snoke would use the American Marine Corps base as a cover for torturing soldiers from the opposing sides. It was all a part of trying to capture Bin Laden. And end the war. And he believed in it. Believed it was his patriotic duty to do so. 

And then they started losing patients. 

They'd die of starvation, heart attacks. 

They'd die in their hands under the guise of getting medical treatment. 

He knew what they were doing. 

This was torture. 

And after what he saw on Starkiller base, the decimation, the torture, the screams - he wanted out. He sent everything he had to his mother's office, and the Senate officially launched an investigation. He was acquitted and protected, his identity kept secret. 

Snoke jabbed himself with barbiturates before they can prosecute him. 

It was a fate that he, whose hands are bloody. 

He whose hands have tortured those soldiers, withdrawn anesthesia and analgesia whilst he was operating on their mangled ribs to extort information. 

He was dismissed with honors from the military, and lauded as the country's most respected trauma and orthopedic surgeon. 

He can still hear the screams in his sleep. 

He deserved none of this. 

He deserved to go to hell. 

To die as Snoke had - in shame, in agony. As payment for what he did. 

He was a doctor who tortured his own patients. He was worse than a monster. And he realizes it had been that way since forever. He never had empathy, not even while he was in med school. He was a high functioning sociopath who didn't really give a fuck about his patients, as long as he can cut into something interesting and have glory. Maybe, in the beginning it was about saving lives. 

Maybe. 

In the end it had been the thrill of the glory. The thrill of being able to do something not many people can. 

In many ways it was a God complex. 

Maybe he was just a monster incapable of feeling for other people. Empty. That's how he feels. Empty. When his patients are sentenced to death, he just feels empty. So divorced and so detached from what is going on around him. No capacity to feel that deep seated sadness for another human being's suffering. Even when he listened to those tortured and horrified screams - he felt nothing. 

A means to an end. 

It took the notion of him being a murderer to spur him into action. Even that was intrinsic. Even that was about him. What was wrong with him?

We all die anyway, that's his main thought. 

God, he was sick. He shouldn't be allowed to be here. 

There were incessant emails from Amilyn Holdo offering him a job back in Coruscant. 

It feels like coming back with his tails in between his legs. 

Especially since his uncle had to save him, again. 

The vials lay heavy in his coat pocket. 

As was the email he was going to send out - his last act - to expose himself, and the entirety of the First Order Marine Corps Medical Unit. 

Ben Solo was supposed to die on the night he met Rey Kenobi. 

And then before he pressed send to his mother she sat on the bar stool next to him, tipsy, a bit crazed around the eyes. 

And she had offered to have sex with him. 

"Rey. Why did you approach me?" He asked at 4:29 AM. He should have been dead by now, he thought. He should have had respiratory failure, heart choked with an overdose of barbiturates and be in hell by now. Instead he's sitting in the bar with her. 

She looks at him deeply, for a second, before her hand reaches over to his. She was so small, so tiny, and her hands grip on his. 

"Because you looked so sad. And I didn't want you to be sad. You have eyes too pretty to be sad. I'm here now Ben. You're not alone."

Him. 

A dirty, red handed, good for nothing trash piece of human being who was so beyond redemption for all the things he did. Who deserved nothing, and could never possibly atone for what he did. 

She saw something in him that was worth saving. And so he sat there, beside her, as she told him all about Poe Dameron and the six years that have led her to this conference. Afterwards he let her lead him to her room. 

He crushed his phone under his foot. 

With shaking hands he flushed the contents of the vials down the toilet, crushing them into fine dust before flushing those vials down too. 

And then he washed his face, and his hands shook. It was the next morning, and he was still alive. Still here. Because of her. 

He exits the room and sits next to her on the bed where she was sprawled and drooling and heavily drunk. 

He spends the rest of the night looking at her, until the moment he had to leave to give his presentation. 

He was going to turn his life around. 

He was going to to everything he can to deserve Rey Kenobi saving him when no one else would have. 

\---

**The Present**

"Fuck. You."

He winces as Rey's hands tightens around his as another wave of contraction hits her. 

They didn't have time for an epidural. She had been in labor the entire day, and when he water broke, well... it went downhill from there. 

"Okay, just breathe with me sweetheart. Like we did in those classes." He exaggerated his breathing as Rey screamed out and started breaking the bones in his hand. "Ah, Rose I want to push, I need to push!"

"Not yet, okay, not yet? You're not crowning yet."

"BEN! FUCK YOU!"

He blubbered and he nodded. Getting behind her and hugging her close, both his hands now clenched tightly in hers. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry sweetheart."

She was crying now, big gulping sobs and she turns her face to his neck. "I can't. I can't do it. It hurts too much."

"Okay, okay baby. I'm here. I'm here. I'm so sorry."

Another contraction hits and he can see the spikes from the tocogram and Rey wails against him. 

"Rose!"

"Okay, okay, that's it, baby one's crowning. Rey. When I tell you to push, you push okay?"

It took thirty seconds for the next wave of contractions to hit. "Now. Push now!"

She does, bearing down and grunting, and he could hear his bones crack where she gripped but he didn't care, he had to be here, for her. 

"Rey, you're doing great. You're doing so great." 

It took her five pushes, and then he heard crying, loud and angry and wailing. "Hello."

Rose raised him up, her hands on his neck and his butt and he was covered in blood and lanugo and he was so bald and he loved him already, and Rey wept in his arms, her hands clutching his. 

"Hi. Hi baby."

He presses a kiss to her temple and she sinks against him and he's laughing and crying when Rey breaks his bones again. 

"Okay, that's baby 2. Let's cut his cord, okay?"

Rose made quick work of the cord and handed the baby off to the midwife to get cleaned and have his APGARs. 

"Rey you ready?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

Baby two was an easier push, and her cries even louder than her brother's. She was allowed to have her skin time with mommy, since no one was pushing her out of the way. And his son was brought on over as well, a little bit cleaner but still wrinkly and annoyed. 

"Okay, skin time, yeah?"

Rey leaned back more against him as Rey tucked both babies against her breasts, and their annoyed cries quieted down to sniffles. 

"Apgar 8,9 for baby 1 and 7,9 for baby 2. They're beautiful you guys."

Ben slotted his head against Rey's neck, marvelling at the tiny babies lying on her chest. 

His babies. 

His children.

Oh, God, he was a dad. 

These were his kids. 

Kids he just spoke to inside her belly. 

They were here, finally, at last. 

His hand reaches out for one cheek, and then the other, and then he's crying too, crying because he's never imagined that there would be so much space in him for this. Just this. 

He turns his head to nuzzle at Rey's cheek, and she smiles at him. "Ours Ben." Her head presses against his, and he lets go of one baby to cup her cheek, and turn her head, and press his lips to hers, and they're both smiling and blubbering through it.

\---

Rey slept as he cradled both of his babies in his arms. They passed their hearing test, were clean, well fed. 

He performed the developmental assessment himself. All reflexes accounted for. 

He loved them. 

His little tykes. 

He loved them so much already. 

A quiet knock comes before the door opens and in pours his parents. 

"Hi!" 

His mom started crying the minute she saw him with the babies. 

"Hey, ma."

They approach slowly, the giant it's a boy and it's a girl balloons hitting the ceiling and Ben shushes them and points to a sleeping Rey.

"We'll come back tomorrow, when she's more rested. I just wanted to see my grandkids."

She touched a soft hand to the pink and blue bundles nestled in Ben's arms and his dad hovers behind his mom, a sheepish look on his face. 

Ben wasn't ready to go there, not on this day, not when his kids were just born. 

"Wanna say hi, grandpa?"

Han crumbles at the word and touches the tiny booted feet. 

"They're beautiful Ben."

He then kisses Ben's head and pats his cheek. "You deserve all this love, son."

His eyes water again and nods, understanding what was unsaid by his dad.

His mom wipes her eyes and nods at him. 

"I expect full cuddles tomorrow. You rest now. You should sleep when they do."

"Yeah, I will. I just... wanted to hold them for a while, I guess."

Leia nods and kisses his head, the way Han did before they whispered their goodbyes and tiptoed out the door. 

He holds his kids in his arms. Putting them on his thighs as he sits on the lactation chair, rocking them back and forth. 

They were still in burrito forms, and they were so small, each one of them almost fit on the palm of his hand. 

"Hi."

His voice was hoarse and croaky, and he grins at the innocent sleeping children breathing on his arms. 

"I'm dad. You may remember my voice. I hope you do. I want you both to know, that I love you both, so so much." 

He starts crying again, because here, so precious, and so beautiful, cradled in his arms. 

Here was all his world, and all his universe. 

"I'm sorry. You got me as a dad. I'm not the best out there. And I'm going to suck, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try so hard, to give all I have to you both. And mom. There's not much good in me, but whatever there is left, you both will get."

"Don't say that."

His head snaps up, and sees Rey, pushing herself gingerly up on her elbows, to peer at him. 

"Don't say that Ben."

"Hey, sweetheart."

He wants to wipe at his tears, but his hands were filled with baby. 

"You want to hold them?"

She motions him beside her, and making sure each baby is tucked in his arms, he walks to her, and hands her their boy first, cradling his baby girl and sitting beside her on the bed. 

She leans his head on his shoulder, as she coos at their son. 

"Your dad... don't listen to what he says."

Her finger traces over his son's cheek. 

"He's the kindest, warmest, most amazing man I know. He loves you both so much, that even before you came, when you were just a wish in mama's heart, dada made sure to make it happen. He held mama's hand when she was sad. He always gives her a reason to smile, and no matter what, your dad loved mama so much. So much so that he even hurt himself so he wouldn't hurt me."

Ben stiffens, his eyes turning over to Rey, who was still steadfastly talking to the twins. 

"You see, your dada will do anything for us. So don't listen to him. He's everything kind and good, and wonderful. And mama loves him so much. Mama will always love him. So I expect you both to do the same."

"Rey..."

He was moved beyond words, at her ability to love him so fully, at her ability to forgive him for everything. 

"I told you. You didn't need to pretend. I was okay to just love you. I know you're afraid, Ben. But your father he's wrong. I don't want Poe. I don't want someone to love me. I realize that... when Poe told me he loves me. I didn't care if he did, because it didn't matter. Because I love you. And our life together. You exactly as you are. You don't need to return my feelings, okay? You just... you just have to let me love you."

"I do love you Rey."

"I know. I know that, Ben. And that's enough. So please. Don't lie to me anymore, okay? Stop hurting the both of us."

She kisses his shoulder, and he carefully passes his daughter to her, so he can cradle her against his chest. 

"And you're okay? With just this? Because Rey... if I could... love someone... I would love you. But I can't. I really can't."

She nods, and leans against him sighing in relief. 

"I have to be honest, it's not like I didn't know. You stiffen everytime I say it. Everytime you have to say it. I was happy, initially of course. To think... well... I guess I still have romance in my bones. But I meant what I said before. I'm okay, if you just let me love you. I'm okay to stay your friend, your partner. I'm happy with what we have."

"I'm so sorry Rey."

"Be sorry you lied to me. That's all you have to apologize for."

"But you deserve-"

"Stop. I'm a grown up. I can say what I deserve. And right now I want you. And our children. And the rest of our lives. We don't have to be more than what we were Ben. We were happy like that. We can be happy like that again."

"If you're sure-"

"I love you, Ben."

She looks him in the eye, hurt was there of course, but so was forgiveness, so was acceptance. 

"I love you. Because I do. I don't expect you to return it. It's not a product I am selling. I want you with me. I want our kids to call you dad. I want you inside me. I want you by my death bed on the day I die. I just want you as you are, because that's how I love you. Just be with me. I don't care about the rest. 

"I can do that."

He swallows, because it had to be said. 

Because he lied to her, and broke her heart and here she was forgiving him. 

No more lies. 

But it had to be said. 

"The night you found me. The first night. I was going to kill myself."

He wonders if he should be saying this around the babies. If they'll understand and be messed up somehow. 

He refuses to look at Rey, won't be able to go on if he sees her. 

"I wanted to die, Rey. Just die and be over and done with. You don't know what I did at the Marines. You remember that news blurb, about doctors torturing prisoners of war? That was my unit Rey. It was me. And my boss. General Cornelius Snoke. He had this idea, that we use the med bay as a cover to extract information from soldiers of the other side, to get information on Bin Laden. I dosed them with amphetamines. I operated on them and refused to give them analgesia when they woke up. And I felt nothing, I was just doing my job, doing what my superior officer told me to do. And then I killed one. Lor San Tekka was his name. From the Iraqi core. He was an innocent man, who just caught appendicitis on the field. He trusted me, and I turned him over to Snoke. He died of sepsis. And... I couldn't. I couldn't stay there anymore, not because I was horrified for San Tekka, but I worried for myself. For what it would mean for my license that I had a patient who died from medical malpractice. So... I called my mother. I released everything I had on Starkiller Base. Snoke committed suicide before Senate could get to him. That's the kind of man I am Rey. And that night, by the bar, I was going to pump myself with the same drugs Snoke used on himself with every intention of meeting him in hell."

Her breath hitches and he shakes his head. 

"But you came to me. And you talked. And you told me I wasn't alone. And I don't know Rey... something about you made me want to be a better man. I went to therapy, I testified at the Senate, I helped shut it down. But there were more powerful people supporting it than just Snoke. You saved me. And our children, they'll grow up with this legacy, but I want them to know that they're more than this. Because they saved me too. They gave me a chance, a hope, a fresh start."

He sighs and looks into Rey's eyes, wet with tears her lips still quivering and he knows it's too much for one day. Too fucking much. But it had to be said. 

"I'm incapable of the love you want. The flowers, the rainbows, the sunshine, the fast beating heart and the I can't live without you. But Rey, I am glad you're here, I need you with me, you keep me grounded and sane, and I know it's a big burden, but it's true. I need you. And because I need you, I love you. And I will spend the rest of my life thanking you. It's all I can offer. It's all I have left. But if you take it, if you are okay with it being just that, then I would be glad to give all I have to you. And our children. Because this is the only way I can love, Rey. I can't be selfless. I can't say I love you for you. I can't say you make me feel like it's all okay. I just really need you, Rey. I really, really need you. And I'm afraid that's the only reason why I love you. And you don't deserve that. You deserve so much more than that. But that's all I can give. That's all I can ever promise."

She doesn't say anything for a while. Just cradles their children against her. 

Then she whispers. "So need me. Need us."

Her lips quiver and her tears spill. "I can't imagine what it was like. I don't want to imagine it. I'm so afaid that if I didn't come up to you that night, you would have died and I would have missed out on you. So need me. Need me all you want, and never leave."

His heart hammered in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. "And is that enough for you"

"Ben. It's you. As long as I have you, I don't care."

And he kisses her because he was relieved. The truth was out and she was still here. 

The truth was out and she didn't care. 

He had a family. 

He had his life together. 

And he would damn well make it work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go Ben is a diagnosed sociopath. That's why he has issues with his definition of love. Sociopaths can definitely form romantic attachments but like Ben there's always an underlying sense of power/gain to be had from the emotion. It's never the pure love that he wants for Rey. Though Ben's sociopath behaviors stem from his PTSD - so he's not labelled as a personality disorder per se because his change occured because of this major trauma he experienced. (For more info: https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/sociopath/can-sociopaths-love-or-even-fall-in-love)
> 
> So Rey on the other hand is very dependent on Ben. She once lost Poe, a man she loved because she made too much demands on him. So in return she makes zero demands on Ben. 
> 
> But now that it's all out in the open - they can finally begin healing. Okay guys, we're pulling out of angst-ville.


End file.
